The offside rule... for girls!

**A face** · 27/01/2006, 4:05 PM

The offside rule explained for ladies

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you
must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and
sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper
and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,
whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the
purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had
actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the
other shopper.

Understand it now, luv?

**The Stars** · 28/01/2006, 8:03 PM

post of the year....(pa)

**R�iteoir** · 28/01/2006, 8:06 PM

Offside Law

It is not an offence in itself to be in an offside position, unless you are playing football, in which case it probably is.

A player is in a simple offside position if any of the following conditions hold:

* he is nearer to his opponents' goal line than both the ball and the second last opponent
* he is nearer to the second last opponent than the third ball
* the fifth last opponent is closer to the goal than me
* the player is French
* the linesman is present

A player is not in a simple offside position if:

* he is in his own half of the court
* he is level with the second last ball
* he is at sea level
* he is wearing a cheese hat
* his wide receivers are all named "Andre"
* he is taken up by the rapture

Complex offside is more complex. It is only used in World Cup finals and on Egyptian holy days. It is partially explained in the diagram on the right, but it can never be understood fully by any one human being or their brain would trickle out of their ears, like that guy in the movie about salt.

----------------------------------------

Complex Offside:

An official FIFA diagram "explaining" complex offside.

Attacker D has passed the ball to Attacker C, who is possibly offside.

He IS offside because (1) he is "skewered" on a line between defender 4 and the ball; (2) defenders 1 and 2 have been neutralised by the streaker running in a figure-of-8 around them, making only 2 defenders in the half; (3) the referee has been bribed by players 3 and 4.

However, he is also NOT offside because (1) The triangle between players A, B and C contains a right angle (at B) and its area is less than 50 square metres; (2) the streaker is a Blue supporter and could be said to be the last defender; (3) Player C has been trying his best all game and the referee does not want to crush his dreams.

So: each rule has a points value: the offside rules have values of 3, 2 and 10 respectively, while the onside rules have values of 13, 1 and 1 respectively. These are added together (if it were a Wednesday they would be multiplied) to give 15 points offside and 15 points onside.

Therefore, player C exists in a state of quantum uncertainty between onside and offside.

The casting vote is given to Queen Elizabeth II as Supreme Overlord of Football. If the Queen is unavailable (i.e. strung out on heroin) then the vote passes to Queen Latifah; if she is unavailable then to the band Queen, and so on.

**Anto McC** · 28/01/2006, 9:22 PM

You haven't got one for LOI Referees and assistant referees,have you A Face

**onenilgameover** · 30/01/2006, 12:43 AM

Very good, very good...sorts out alot now I have to say...

BTW great sig Anto McC!

**Anto McC** · 30/01/2006, 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by onenilgameover

BTW great sig Anto McC!

Cheers

are you refering to the FAI bit?

**Eire06** · 30/01/2006, 1:08 PM

Aww now I like totally get it!!
Thanks A Face

**sligoman** · 30/01/2006, 4:47 PM

Originally Posted by Eire06

Aww now I like totally get it!!
Thanks A Face

Good, we would'nt want you getting all confused now

.

**onenilgameover** · 31/01/2006, 12:44 AM

Originally Posted by Anto McC

Cheers

are you refering to the FAI bit?

Sorry yeah...thats the one!

**joeSoap** · 09/02/2006, 3:05 PM

Ladies: You�re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop
assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you
must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them
with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no
money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop
and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,*whilst
it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and
buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it
would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

Dear Girls - you have just learned the offside rule. It's that simple.

**Eire06** · 09/02/2006, 3:08 PM

Posted already

**pete** · 09/02/2006, 3:09 PM

Merged...

**The Pie Man** · 25/05/2006, 10:31 PM

You�re in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper
HTH!

**anto1208** · 26/05/2006, 11:01 AM

never mind explaining it to women about 80% of men dont fully understand it either

**crc** · 26/05/2006, 11:11 AM

Brilliant!

ROTFL

**Magicme** · 26/05/2006, 11:17 AM

Pity its been posted about 3 times already.

**dahamsta** · 26/05/2006, 12:09 PM

Well, twice.

**Seagull** · 26/05/2006, 10:27 PM

There was a good one in last month's Four Four Two:
Offside is like love- you can't explain it but you know it when you see it!

**Magicme** · 29/05/2006, 10:01 AM

Originally Posted by dahamsta

Well, twice.

Ooops sorry but I did recieve it by email as well so that explains my confusion....glad to say am not confused by offside rule anymore tho....how did I get thro my years of watching football as a kid without understanding it?

**osarusan** · 02/06/2006, 9:52 AM

i came out to japan to watch the 2002 world cup.................brought my girlfriend along with me to watch the Saudi Arabia game, but in order to go (she wasnt too pushed either way, to be honest) she had to be able to correctly identify offside situations from my "test". She failed, but i brought her along anyway. In the end she made up a song about it to help her remember!!