Love Letters

[A face]

ORIGINAL LETTER:


Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like
the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly
sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole
entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to
wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I
won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I
did a stupid thing. I can handle you being ****ed at me, I absolutely
deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us,
what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is
weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there
are songs I can't listen to, and I just ! feel beyond crushed. I don't know
if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I
know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is
something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid,
but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't
imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that,
and you could say that my behaviour didn't reflect that, and you would be
correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of
your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is
nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to
know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever
imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life,
and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure
if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today,
then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together,
although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep
your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work
today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am
hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.
Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that. I am so
sorry.




Elizabeth





RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken wh@res I couldn't care less about". You
did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry
the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is
"a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit
at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran
that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent
removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more
amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but
twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I
didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't
care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world
revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans,
I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider
someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is
that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're
the average run of the mill c*m-guzzling blond who commands about as much
respect as your average child p@rn collector. I could be wrong but, it's
pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my
place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up
tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a
hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I
eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel
dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the
time it happened. By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in
spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder
thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.


PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.



Talk to you never,
Brad

[hamish]

Meeeoooooowwwwwwww. LOL

Where the fcuk did you get that A Face????

Let's have more.

[Gerrit]

I'll never write a loveletter again. My last one was 4 pages long and I spent over 2 hours writing it (including the draft). My competitor won the battle with a text message which was 2 sentences long Talking of wasted time, energy and emotions

[Drumcondra Red]

Its fairly safe to say I have never written a love letter, I have my natural wit and charm to win over the ladies, before you ask... Yes I'm single!

[crc]

Ahhh, there's nothing quite like revenge!

[Risteard]

My competitor won the battle with a text message which was 2 sentences long Talking of wasted time, energy and emotions

Did u get d letter i sent u?
Tink i signed d wrong name.

[paul_oshea]

i never really cared until i met you, and now it kills me to the bone. how do i get you alone?how do i get you alone?