Quotei have to say that is one of the funniest articles i've read all year !
this cracked me up!Originally Posted by NeilMcD
a great antidote to all the anti kerr stuff . i can just see dion fanning writing something similar except not being ironic.
Dear John letter to our football future
Tom Humphries
LockerRoom: John, this journalism lark has run its course for me, so I'm sitting down now to apply the final falsehoods to my application for the Irish soccer manager's job. I know, I know, I know, John, you have said you shall be out on the plains, like a quiffed Hemingway, big-name hunting rather than sitting indoors like some disgruntled clerk with a letter opener.
Fair play. So, John, I say to you as winsomely as possible: come and get me baby.
First, let me address the concerns which you have expressed, albeit obliquely, about the previous manager. John, you want a chap who will make the necessary changes at the right time in a big match. I am that chap. (You are right on football matters so often, John, that it shocks me that you haven't been invited to be a TV panellist.)
It is in this area of playing personnel that Brian Kerr made a critical bungle. On the bench against Switzerland he had no players of international quality. He virtually wrote his own P45. Your hands were tied, John. As the great Bill Veeck said once when he sacked one of his baseball managers, "It was either that or I had to go get me 25 new players."
Kerr sallied forth with no Chippy or no Gilesie. Silly man. All the preparation and passion in the world won't turn sows' ears into silk purses, and some of our players are no sows' ears.
Now, here's what I would do. I'd start with Giles and Brady in midfield and Stapo up front. Legends. I'd have Mark Lawrenson at the back with David O'Leary. I'd have Gerry Daly out wide, and up front - what the hell - I'd splurge and go for Don Givens in harness with Stapo. Just so we had plenty of width, I'd opt for Steve Heighway on the other wing. John, you'll notice I'm opting for a lot of fringes and quiffs here. The mark of a man, John. Lastly, Gerry Peyton between the sticks and Paddy Mulligan and Jimmy Holmes as the full backs.
Now that's a strong team. In 1977, they drew nil-all in Lansdowne with Bulgaria, thus failing to qualify for the 1978 World Cup. It was a three-team group and the lads came third. I could opt for them, as Gilesie himself did, or I could plump for the star-studded line-up with which Jack Charlton almost didn't qualify for Euro '88, until Gary Mackay scored that freak late winner against Bulgaria in Sofia. I could do that, or I could reunite the bunch with whom Mick McCarthy didn't go to France '98.
Any of those star-studded teams would buy a manager a second chance. We've seen that. Why didn't Kerr pick any of them instead of going with so many whiney mediocrities? Beats me.
As Irish manager, I will ask for more and I will do less, John. That's my pledge to you. I will make sure our great players are cryogenically preserved, making us the first nation to defy the aging process for the purposes of soccer. I will use the spare time to be high-profile and to do the sort of openings and nixers which reflect well on The Association.
Straight up, I should say, with due modesty, that I am uncontaminated by the National League. I had a youthful weakness for Bohs, but I'm straight now. As for youth players: I avoid them like chicken nuggets during a bird flu epidemic.
John, I don't bake the cake. I don't ice it. You bring me the cake and I'll put the cherry on the top. One million, baby. Netto.
This is a key time for Irish soccer, John, and there must be something brave and heroically crazy inside of you to make you want to be the figurehead. Looking at you, alone on the podium announcing that Brian Kerr had been rubbed out, I was stirred and inspired. Hence this application.
You are pointing us towards the promised land, a place of milk and honey in which winning is the only thing that matters. The beauty of living there is that we need to win just to survive. (Great title for the autobiography, by the way, whenever you get one of the loyal retainers to ghost it. Win To Survive!)
We're 70 million europeanos over budget on the new stadium wheeze and there hasn't been a shovel lifted in anger. To get a guy like me to do the management job is going to take at least a million a year, netto, and I'll have nowt to do with travelling to places like Gortakeegan on wet nights, thank you. You'll need a couple of the native sherpas for that sort of heavy lifting. Are they cheap?
(Speaking of help: I have taken the liberty of opening preliminary talks with that legend of the Irish game, Maurice Setters, about coming on board. The Hughton era is over. As I said to Chris one evening when I heard him disparage Maurice, "I knew Maurice Setters and you, Sir, are no Maurice Setters." He had no comeback.)
I think The Association is heading in the right direction and I want to be a first-class passenger on that journey, John.
I couldn't help chuckling at the spectacle of poor old Liam Tuohy being given a lifetime achievement award on the night of the Swiss game. Underneath the sound of all the clapping by people who couldn't pick Liam Tuohy out of a police line-up in which he was the only Caucasian, I could hear the scaffold being hammered together for Kerr. Closing my eyes and resting my chin on the fake sheepskin collar, I thought of that night when The Association permitted Tuohy to be rubbed out because Big Jack from England was new in town and wasn't to be bothered by any of the local yokels! Plus ca change!
Ah. We've always pined for a big man from abroad to give us some validation and discipline. I was born in England and have grown unfeasibly big. I can be that man, John.
It has been made clear enough, I think, to those chuckleheads in the domestic league rackets that what they may think or aspire to doesn't matter. This newsflash comes not a second before time. The big clubs in England don't bring Irish players through anymore. Chippy, Stapo and Davo? Crops like that will never be seen again. I blame the jinnyjoes who run the game here. They aren't making the Van Nistelrooys or the Henrys that the industry is looking for. Adapt or die fellas.
We have two options, John. We can work towards a new model of National League which will replicate the best European coaching structures and eventually produce games of higher quality and players of higher quality with a view to feeding those players into our national team. Sounds like bloody hard work, and for a mill a year I ain't getting out of bed to do it! Like the cut of my jib yet? There's more.
We can go back to shaking the trees for fellas who have Irish grannies. Men who feel passionate enough about this country that they would be willing to be pictured with a pint of Guinness and a green jersey. Why not? Or we can wait till the next time somebody mentions the words European Superleague and pray that somebody might put a few hundred million into a Dublin franchise that would fill the stadium that will bleed us dry otherwise. We can (with dignity) frantically hump that person's leg and hope that they produce some home-grown product for us.
I'm for holding our breaths till that happens! Seem like a plan?
Then there is the position of soccer in Irish society. It's heartening of course, John, that so many people still travel to Glasgow and Liverpool and Manchester on the weekend to see their local teams, but we shouldn't be complacent. There is no doubt having me move to a large house in Maida Vale, there to draw my huge salary and keep my household staff in order, would be a terrific shot in the arm for the domestic game. I will fly in to the Emerald Isle occasionally to open pubs and speak to television reporters. People love that. The Irish people are great fun and they've always been very good to me. Listen, John, win or lose we'll have a party and a sing-song because we have the greatest fans on earth and making them believe that is important.
John, I feel we have the GAA where we want them just now. Strategically, with their huge stadium, with their big games every Sunday, with their wall-to-wall television coverage, with that 2 million they are spending on coaching and development next year and with their network of clubs and local infrastructure, strategically John, they are cornered and they have no place to go.
For a couple of decades The Association has been emphasising that getting to World Cups and European championships is what matters. The dividend cheque is here now, John. We have won the war for the hearts and minds of the Irish people. Let's splurge! On me.
A series of steady hands on the FAI tiller has left us in an enviable position. The horny-handed sons of the Irish soil no longer dream of getting to Croke Park on All-Ireland Sunday. Nope, they dream of getting two years in digs while polishing boots and playing for the Chesterfield reserves and then coming home to catch up on their education. Keep hope alive, John, keep hope alive.
Working together, our strategy of growing Irish soccer from the top downwards can bring even greater prosperity, particularly to me. Being fourth seeds means even more big teams coming to Dublin. If we are to face into a period of prolonged mediocrity, the upside will be that as fifth or sixth seeds we will attract many more teams of higher standing than ourselves to the new Lansdowne. Where's the downside?
We stand on the threshold of a brave new era, John. Let's hold hands and jump together. You be Wallace. I'll be your Gromit.
© The Irish Times
In Trap we trust
i have to say that is one of the funniest articles i've read all year !
this cracked me up!
a great antidote to all the anti kerr stuff . i can just see dion fanning writing something similar except not being ironic.
What more is there to say.We have two options, John. We can work towards a new model of National League which will replicate the best European coaching structures and eventually produce games of higher quality and players of higher quality with a view to feeding those players into our national team. Sounds like bloody hard work, and for a mill a year I ain't getting out of bed to do it! Like the cut of my jib yet? There's more.
We can go back to shaking the trees for fellas who have Irish grannies. Men who feel passionate enough about this country that they would be willing to be pictured with a pint of Guinness and a green jersey. Why not? Or we can wait till the next time somebody mentions the words European Superleague and pray that somebody might put a few hundred million into a Dublin franchise that would fill the stadium that will bleed us dry otherwise. We can (with dignity) frantically hump that person's leg and hope that they produce some home-grown product for us.
I can see Dion Fanning dusting down a "source close to the FAI/the players/Liam Lawlor" as we speak
Sure he's a good writer, but I have no time for him. He is primarily a GAA fan and published 100+ reasons why GAA is better than soccer. He was also the catalyst for Saipan which I won't easily forgive him for.
Not sure why Gary Mackay's goal "was a freak late winner". Only one team qualified and we had the most points above Bulgaria, Belgium, Scotland and Luxembourg. Nothing freakish about that.
Jack Charlton's "star studed line up" in 1988 included such world class players as Chris Morris (transferred by Sheff Wed because he couldn't get his game) and Barnsley's Mick McCarthy and two players (Houghton & Aldridge) were playing for lowly Oxford. We didn't have a Damien Duff, Robbie Keane or Roy Keane then. Some excellent players of course in McGrath, Whelan, Brady etc but there were many weakenesses in the team.
It is often said Charlton was a lucky manager. Injuries robbed him of Lawrenson and Brady for 1988 Finals, a fully fit Whelan for 1990 and Quinn/Cascarino for USA where world class Tommy Coyne had to play up front.
And since he mentions 1978, that was the group where we had a perfectly good goal disallowed in Paris (was there to see it) and an even more bizarre one scratched out in Bulgaria which I have seen on video numerous times and can only assume the linesman was on the take. No one even close to offside. It was unbelievable.
If I had time, I'd write a skit back in reply which could feature Israel prominently and the cameo appearances of DOherty. Might yet...watch this space.
funny that, I'd say we didnt have them this time out either.
you don't have to like everything a good journalist says. it's the ones that you'd agree with on everything you have to watch - panderers and cheats.
because the fact that he got the goal was freakish. scotland weren't meant to win - awful weather, long range speculative shot. and thank god for it.Not sure why Gary Mackay's goal "was a freak late winner". Only one team qualified and we had the most points above Bulgaria, Belgium, Scotland and Luxembourg. Nothing freakish about that.
lowly oxford who had threatned a top ten finish in division on in 1986? won the league cup in 86 and also had irish legend dave langan. overachievers perhaps but 'lowly' I think not. mick mcarthy who went on to have a decent career with celtic and citeh? no world class but a decent pro in his day. the 88 side was pretty good. don't try and downplay it. how you can refer to houghton and aldridge as weakneses even if they were at oxford is baffling.Jack Charlton's "star studed line up" in 1988 included such world class players as Chris Morris (transferred by Sheff Wed because he couldn't get his game) and Barnsley's Mick McCarthy and two players (Houghton & Aldridge) were playing for lowly Oxford. We didn't have a Damien Duff, Robbie Keane or Roy Keane then. Some excellent players of course in McGrath, Whelan, Brady etc but there were many weakenesses in the team.
you're just backing up his point with this commentAnd since he mentions 1978, that was the group where we had a perfectly good goal disallowed in Paris (was there to see it) and an even more bizarre one scratched out in Bulgaria which I have seen on video numerous times and can only assume the linesman was on the take. No one even close to offside. It was unbelievable.
good article. I don't like everything humphires writes.. but thats pretty good
You know, if your name here was "UnitedFan" or "RedsFan" instead of "OwlsFan", I'd swear you were John Delaney himself!
the same israel that drew home and away with france and switzerland? shureley not!
He is seriously biased toward the gaa, would not be my favourite journalist by any means.
Although he does speak alot of truth there about the state of Irish soccer, he always is much more critical and sarcastic towards our game than gaa or rugby.
Much more handsome than him!You know, if your name here was "UnitedFan" or "RedsFan" instead of "OwlsFan", I'd swear you were John Delaney himself!
Hated the way he dealt with the Saipan mess when he wore his red devil's badge on his sleeve. Dunphy owned the airwaves at the time and the FAI's response I thought was poor. In reply to the Tommy Gormless interview, they should have supported the Manager and organised an interview between Mick and that guy who wrote his World Cup Journal - name's gone
It will be interesting to see what sort of job he makes as boss of the FAI. He seems to always win the power struggles but can he convert that into something tangible for Irish soccer.
maybe just maybe theres a lot more to be critical and sarcastic about in the way the fai run their affairs compared to the other two?
Perhaps, but speaking from a grass roots level where Im involved with both soccer and gaa, I personnally feel there is more deep rooted problems in the gaa in relation to a number of matters, largely political. maybe Im just at a good soccer club.....
The gaa cocks up something in this country and its a bit of a laugh, the fai do and its because they are a terrible organisation etc. i just feel sometimes we dont get a fair ride.
I see Humphries as primarily a sports writer - I don't think he has a "gaa" agenda as such - ie anti real football. He's a good writer who says interesting things in 1/10th the paper space afforded to the likes of Dion Fanning and Paul Hyland to make up complete waffle and PR spin.
he is a good journo IMO, he wouldnt have anything to write about in japan if we had a properly run camp and a efficent FAI.
I laughed when i read his article after the Cyprus again, he likened the defence to some kind of novelty act you might see in the Phonix park on a Sunday morning, pausing for a few seconds, laughing to yourself before proceding on.
Great article and actually highlights the role a strong EL could play in the international team if sufficient resources were dedicated to it.
Humphries is an excellent journalist and whilst he writes about hurling, and Dublin hurling at that, too much for my liking he's streets ahead of all the rest in this country.
And to balme him for Saipan is absolutely ridiculous. What was he supposed to do, not publish the article for the common good?
While Humphries is a good writer he is as stated above primarily a GAA fan. While he clearly follows football and has an interest his first love is clearly the GAA. While he may not come out with the tripe of some other GAA writers it is a bit much.
Thwe GAA get a very soft ride in the media here. If anybody mentions the "s" word (sectarianism) you get a flurry of what wonderful visonaries they were in building those wonderful stadiums.
The rest of your post is grand, full of decent points worth debating but this is too much. What do you want, journalists who just toe the official line? He's not a PR agent - if Roy Keane says those things to him on the record, it's his ethical obligation as a journalist to publish them.
Humphries is a good journalist who unfortunately writes airy-fairy rubbish on occasion. But I will never understand this attitude that he was in some way responsible for Saipan.
The approach of some fans to media coverage in this country would make me laugh if it wasn't so depressing. We b!tch and moan about rags and hacks while reading the Evening Herald and the Sun but one of the best ones out there gets a hard time for doing a good job or having the cheek to prefer GAA to soccer.
His fondness for the GAA over soccer is fairly obvious but when he puts his GAA writer hat on, he's the first of that group to criticise the GAA's shortcomings.
Agreed. His first love is obviously GAA, in particular hurling, but he certainly isn't a mouthpiece for he GAA authorities. He writes it as he sees it and doesn't make up stories or exagerate them to sell more copies of the IT. He has a good knowledge of football IMO. I don't like or agree with everything he writes but he is one of the better sports journalists writing for an Irish paper.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd" Johnny Giles
i dont think he rates the Eircom League or Eircom League supporters. Like, whens the last time you seen him down Tolka for the european games ?
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