a few jokes

[mouldymurphy]

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in the tree stump in the NE part of Central Park."

The interpreter looks to the hood and says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

[mouldymurphy]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love andcompassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...






(wait for it...)






"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[mouldymurphy]

heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realises that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care.

She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No, honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile." The look on Her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

[dahamsta]

That second one was absolute class murphy. I was wetting myself even before I got to the punchline.

Lucky I was wearing my incontinence knickers, I'll tell ya!

adam