Nutty Yanks II

[strangeirish]

Juicy tale about fake 'manhood'





THE arrival of 'The Glazerator' may have caused huge waves on this side of the pond but it barely caused a ripple on the other side where the discovery of 'The Whizzinator' was a far jucier one.

And how could you not love the revelation that an NFL player was caught with a fake penis in his luggage, designed for circumventing drug tests.

Better still, the security men searching Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith's luggage found bags of white powder that they initially suspected was cocaine.

But when it tested negative he confessed that it was dried urine (hope they didn't try a taste-test!) and his bag also contained a €150 device called 'The Original Whizzinator'.

This is basically a prosthetic penis with an attached bag and users are advised to cough loudly to drown out the sound when they open the valve.

Smith instantly produced the "it's-for-me-cousin" excuse - plausible considering drug-tests are mandatory for lots of non-athletes in the US, under employment contracts or parole rules.

But the fact that he has twice before failed drugs tests for marijuana and was also thrown out of one university for using it doesn't help him.

Of course the Whizzinator incident spawned thousands of humourous columns and blogs.

One witty scribe, noting that it was a tube of toothpaste that actually set off the metal detectors and got Smith caught, wondered "what one earth does he clean his teeth with?"



From the Indo and all puns will be accepted!

[fosterdollar]

Let's see now...

That was a bit of a c0ck-up now wasn't it?

[hamish]

Tools of the trade for drug cheats.

[Macy]

were customs taking the píss?

[hamish]

The guy thought he'd get away with it = reDICKulous!

Getting coat........

[Troy.McClure]

Just as a comparison, here is the baseball stance on performance enhancing drugs from the official site. Im sure youll agree that they are very very tough.

TESTING
• Every player will undergo at least one unannounced test during the season. Players may be randomly tested additional times, including during the offseason, irrespective of a player's country of residence.

PENALTIES
• The penalty for a first-time offender will be a 10-day suspension; second time, 30 days; third time, 60 days; fourth time, one year. All suspensions will be without pay.

SUBSTANCES
• Coupled with new federal legislation, the list of banned substances will include not only steroids, but steroid precursors and designer steroids such as THG, as well as masking agents and diuretics.

[strangeirish]

The guy thought he'd get away with it = reDICKulous!

Getting coat........

And you are on your way to the penal colony..................

[paul_oshea]

he must have been getting the willies going through customs.

he must have been fairly hard-on it.

i should do stand up.

[hamish]

Well deserved too - I'll jack the puns in right now!

[strangeirish]

Just as a comparison, here is the baseball stance on performance enhancing drugs from the official site. Im sure youll agree that they are very very tough.

TESTING
• Every player will undergo at least one unannounced test during the season. Players may be randomly tested additional times, including during the offseason, irrespective of a player's country of residence.

PENALTIES
• The penalty for a first-time offender will be a 10-day suspension; second time, 30 days; third time, 60 days; fourth time, one year. All suspensions will be without pay.

SUBSTANCES
• Coupled with new federal legislation, the list of banned substances will include not only steroids, but steroid precursors and designer steroids such as THG, as well as masking agents and diuretics.

Not a big follower of America's pastime, but their stance on steroids is a complete joke. I mean look at Giambi. Belting them into outer space last year and now he couldn't hit a feckin' beach ball. Barry Bonds has had three knee ops so far this year alone. Hiding something Barry? As for this year, a quick look at the stats and it is shocking to see how many less home runs there are compared to this time last year.

[pete]

All yank sports are riddled with steroids. Baseball hitters don't exactly need to be fast so have massive bulk.

Theres also a massive percentage of american sports players with criminal records.

[Troy.McClure]

One of the administerative guys of the NFL I think it was (say the yank version of Chairman Milo) was complaining to the Senate committee about bringing in a no drug policy accross all sports in the US... "a no drug policy would mean a level playing field between sports".

The mind boggles

[Metrostars]

The problem with drugs and most especially steroids in Major League Baseball is a big problem here. Baseball never had any real rules so in the late 80's and 90's they became very popular amond baseball players and the number of homeruns went sky high. There is no doubt that "greats" such as Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa and Jason Giambi took them, all you've got to do is look at pictures of them 15 years about and look at them now. Mind you, Giambi ask really slimmed down since he stopped taking them. A reason that the Baseball commissioners never did anything about it until now is because the game took a bit in 1994 when they lost a season due to the strike that year.
Drugs seem to be less of a problem in the NFL while in basketball, the big problem is the use of recreational drugs. The sport with the toughest rules in the US is ...soccer. MLS does frequent testing of all players. Caught once and your contract is nullified and are banned.

[hamish]

The problem with drugs and most especially steroids in Major League Baseball is a big problem here. Baseball never had any real rules so in the late 80's and 90's they became very popular amond baseball players and the number of homeruns went sky high. There is no doubt that "greats" such as Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa and Jason Giambi took them, all you've got to do is look at pictures of them 15 years about and look at them now. Mind you, Giambi ask really slimmed down since he stopped taking them. A reason that the Baseball commissioners never did anything about it until now is because the game took a bit in 1994 when they lost a season due to the strike that year.
Drugs seem to be less of a problem in the NFL while in basketball, the big problem is the use of recreational drugs. The sport with the toughest rules in the US is ...soccer. MLS does frequent testing of all players. Caught once and your contract is nullified and are banned.

Great to hear the good news about US footie. By the way, is it true what I read in the latest World Soccer magazine that Metrostars are being shunted to Houston or San something-or-other?? Hope it doesn't happen as I believe even Baseball and NFL fans are getting really p!$$ed off at these clubs being moved all over the country.

[Metrostars]

Great to hear the good news about US footie. By the way, is it true what I read in the latest World Soccer magazine that Metrostars are being shunted to Houston or San something-or-other?? Hope it doesn't happen as I believe even Baseball and NFL fans are getting really p!$$ed off at these clubs being moved all over the country.

The Metrostars are trying to get a new stadium built in New Jersey but there have been a lot of set backs dealing with the corrupt NJ politicians. So much so that they are treatening to leave NJ if they can't get approval to build. I don't think it will come to that but it's very disheartening having to watch the Metros play in front of a 15K crowd in the 80K Giants stadium.

[hamish]

Hope everything works out Metrostars - it must be so frustrating supporting a club not knowing what the future really holds. Athlone Town are at a crucial stage at the moment with regard to our new stadium - hopefully it will work out and we will be there in a season or so.