What did he say ??

[A face]

What did he say ??

[A face]

"My mate Ken is standing at a communal bus stop on a lashing wet Monday morning. He's there 20 minutes, soaked, cold and really ****ed off. Two little old wans waddle into view, pulling their two tarten little trolly bags behind them, scarfs wrapped around their heads to keep off the rain. One of them asks Ken "Has der been a number 5 along here son?" Ken replies that there hasn't been any bus along for the last 20 miuntes. Suddenly a bus does come around the corner but it's not the right one for any of them.

It pulls over to let some passengers off and the two old wans make their way over, while one is standing in the stairwell the other walks up to the driver and says "C'mere yung filla, how long will de next number 5 be?"

The driver looks at her...looks down the length of the bus and says "Bout as long as dis one love!"

Quick as a flash, the little old dear in the stairwell says "And will der be a monkey drivin' dat one too?!" "

[hamish]

A few years ago, I was in my local shop. across the road, buying a huge bag of cheap, soft footballs to supplement the pile of "real" footballs which I used for heading practise with my girls footie team. The balls had lovely designs and I was standing there admiring them and chit-chatting with my buddy, the then shop owner. Into the shop comes a former teaching colleague, a nun, and we went through the usual blather about the school etc etc etc. Then, out of the blue, she took a look at the bag I held and exclaimed out loud, "God, Noel, you have the most BEAUTIFUL BALLS!" I swear, I kept talkin and a straight face while everyone else suddenly found urgent things to do. If I had stooped yapping for one micro-second, I was fcuked.
Anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd love to hear your stories.

[Peadar]

Anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd love to hear your stories.

I was working in an office in London back in 1999 which was predominantly staffed by women. Being a cheeky young Irish lad, I had a good bit of banter going in no time.
I needed to get access to a PC which was in a corner desk.
In order to get at it, I had to get by an elegant Indian woman who was in her mid 40's.
Not thinking about how it would sound, I said, "Can I get inside you please?"
This was greated by cheers and wolf whistles from the other women in the office, shouting, "now there's an offer you don't get everyday!"

Mortification!

[tiktok]

A good few year's back there was a small Indie film playing in Cinema World Douglas, starring Eric Stoltz and Quentin Tarantino.

I walked up to the ticket desk in front of a good many people and, as I tend to do, gave the title of the film I wanted to see to the ticket girl, the phrase this led me to utter was......

"Sleep with me please"

[KR's Post]

Don't know if this should be posted in this topic, BUT..... A while back, i'd say 2 years i was in a classroom chatting to me mate (Ive since left school). A lovely hot sunny day and the windows had just been washed and were as clear as anything. Anyway well into the conversation and my mate spots a fella outside he wanted to talk to. He called and called as he ran towards the window and to my astonishment put his head right through it thinking it was open, smashing the glass to bits. I was shocked and concerned as you'd be, but we had a laugh about it a couple of days later.... He was fine!!!! What must the friend outside be thinking...............

[hamish]

Nice one, tarzan1, I recall something similar happening in my neck of the woods. A local family, sadly not in the best of states, complained all the front windows of their house were broken. Now, it was a habit of the Dad to whistle for his dog who jumped into whatever the nearest aperture in the house was open and this included the windows. When the council replaced all the glass, the putty was still wet when said Dad whistled for his mutt again and, you can guess what happened - the hound jumped straight through a window sendiing the relatively intact pane flying into the front room! This is a true story - you could not make it up.
On a more football related story, when I was Athlone PRO, we had Shane Curran, current Roscommon Gaelic captain with us for a few seasons. I heard a story which I wish was totally true but I'm certain, knowing Shane, that most of it is. When Curran was 16, he took part in some Bobby Charlton course and apparently got a recommendation to attend a few sessions at Manure's training ground. There were hundreds there with Curran involved in the goalkeeping sessions with Alan Hodginson (goalkeeping coach, ex-Sheff. Wed.). In the middle of it all, the bold Alex wandered down to view the various groups doing their thing. Curran spots him, breaks away, tears across the pitches, through all the various groups and runs up to a bemused Ferguson. "Hey Alex, I'm Shane Curran from Castlerea, in Roscommon in Ireland, how about giving us a contract, go on I won't let you down". Now Ferguson, to put it mildly wasn't too taken with this upstart and proceeded to berate Shane and put him in his place. He told him to go back to his group and if he improved his discipline and showed potential then the coach would inform him if he had any prospects etc etc. A very annoyed Curran then told Fergie, "Fcuk you anyhow, Ferguson, maybe it's just as well, if ya couldn't handle Paul McGrath, then ya haven't a hope in hell with me". I asked Shane was this story in any way true but all he did was give me a sly wink. Feed the myth, I suppose. In the event, the story reached the Indo via my usual Town press releases and did I get a bollocking from Pat Devlin, manager at the time, who wanted to offload him to Blackburn Rovers. It's a story you would love to be 100% true. Town seem to specialise in daft keepers with Mick O'Brien in the 60's and 70's cut from the same cloth.

[Kerry Blue]

About ten years ago a friend of mine visited his cousin in New York for the first time. He lived out in the suburbs somewhere and one day my friend asked him if he could borrow his car to go into the city. Surprisingly his cousin agreed, so off he went, trying to get used to a left-hand drive automatic car on the right-hand side of the road. He didn't do too bad but on the way back he got a little confused at a junction and turned onto the left side of the road and straight into another car. He didn't do a lot of damage, but the middle-aged woman driving the car was absolutely livid. While she ranted he was getting worried that he could be in serious trouble as he had no licence or insurance. When she then asked him if he had anything to say he got the brainwave of talking to her as Gaeilge! When he finished she stared at him momenterily and then said: 'This goddamned country is full of foreigners!' Then got back in her car and went off. As my friend said of it afterwards, it is one good reason to keep our native language alive.

[Fair_play_boy]

Just a few months ago, I drove the kids to school as usual, leaving my wife at home. I was in work about half an hour when my wife telephoned the office and I happened to pick up the call. Hello darling, she says, in a sexy voice. Just calling to say you took off today in such a rush, and I never said good bye.
The conversation was lovely and intimate, and we planned a romantic evening out, and she offered to call the baby sitter. She said that Colette would probably do it.
I asked: Who is Colette?
After a short silence, she said, This is Paul, isn't it?
It was a total stranger who had dialled the wrong number! She stayed on the line long enough to have a laugh about the misunderstanding.

[paul_oshea]

Now Ferguson, to put it mildly wasn't too taken with this upstart and proceeded to berate Shane and put him in his place. He told him to go back to his group and if he improved his discipline and showed potential then the coach would inform him if he had any prospects etc etc. A very annoyed Curran then told Fergie, "Fcuk you anyhow, Ferguson, maybe it's just as well, if ya couldn't handle Paul McGrath, then ya haven't a hope in hell with me". I asked Shane was this story in any way true but all he did was give me a sly wink. Feed the myth, I suppose. In the event, the story reached the Indo via my usual Town press releases and did I get a bollocking from Pat Devlin, manager at the time, who wanted to offload him to Blackburn Rovers. It's a story you would love to be 100% true. Town seem to specialise in daft keepers with Mick O'Brien in the 60's and 70's cut from the same cloth.

i can tell ya knowing shane currans tis true.

[paul_oshea]

these stories mighnt sound funny, but if ya knew my cousin i tell ya then you would be ****ing yourself with laughter:

went down to galway one night, to meet a few lads, anyhow went out to a niteclub good craic, but my cousin gets chatting to this lad i had never met before, and all i could hear your man saying now and agin was "are ya sure ya dont have any drugs" to which my cousin looked bemused just kept chatting. anyhow they were chatting for half an hour and eventually my cousin comes back talking to me, and he goes "ya know he has changed an awful lot" and i said who? "niall kenny" who? "niall kenny in our year in school, why wouldnt you talk to him" i said thats not fooken niall kenny ya monkey ya. then he goes "jees you know ye he kept asking me for drugs the whole time and said he had just swallowed a load of pills, i didnt think that was like him at all". thats my cousin for ye a little dopey at times. LOL

same lad when we were younger, 6 of us cycling down the road, two groups of three cycling beside eachother. anyhow me cousin is in the inside closest t the path. Im on the outside closest to the white line and another lad in the middle, anyhow we are all chatting away and me cousin is looking at the lad in the middle and I am too, and we are listening to what he is saying, then I start talking and all of a sudden I hear a bang and the lads are gone. I look around and couldn’t see them, then I saw me mate saying come back come back. I cycle back to them and there’s me cousin spread eagled lying on the windscreen of a car ( cycled into a park car! i mean how the hell can you not see a parked car in front of ye??!?!?!). I was like what the fook I culdnt stp laughing, my cousin was getting more and more thick, but couldn’t move as he had nearly castrated himself when hitting the crossbar doing his superman impression. From this day I just cant understand how that windscreen didn’t smash.


Theres a few more I will add later..

[paul_oshea]

shane, jason and evan is the ordering of them.

evan is the one you are on about.. got his balls caught in barbwire jumping the g.a.a grounds and sued!!!

[paul_oshea]

Another one about me cousin.

We were again all fairly young about 14 or 15 going to the indoor swimming pool. One of the lad’s mothers was bringing us in their new
Mitsubishi lancer ( and I mean two days old new ), anyhow driver and passenger in the front, four young lads in the back. Me cousin was sitting closest to the
Window on the left side of the car, I was out on the right side by the window(safest), with two in the middle ( one of them was the lad who was cyclin with us!! ). Anyhow
About a mile out from the pool, me cousin starts feeling sick and looks as yellow as anything, so one of the lads rolls down the window for him, me cousin is
Tapping him saying im gonna be sick, im gonna be sick, his mouth now full of womit, and the lad he was saying to was like “mrs Mulvihill eh mrs Mulvihill ( too shy to ask
Her to stop ) then bang, instead of out the window he turns his head and as he turns all the spew comes out. On the back of the front seats, on the heads
Of mrs Mulvihill on the heads of her son ( our mate ) and finally on the side of one of the lads faces in the back and on the trousers of the other. Hilarious I couldn’t stop laughing, because the best part was, I didn’t get any!!! Everyone else got plastered but me. LOL mrs Mulvihill was disgusted, their new car ruined already!!!

Same lad again, we were all locked up in the same persons house, when his family had gone away one new years eve, my cousin got extremely locked and started
Throwing Christmas cake all over the kitchen and bedroom. Later on that night one of the lads got sick everywhere followed by another, out mates sister came home,
Cleaned up everything and used a toothbrush that was in the sink to clean the vomit from the sink and round the inner toilet. Next morning me cousin says there is a horrible taste in his mouth, so down he goes ready to wash his teeth, picks up a toothbrush, brushing away and he goes, “jees this fooken toothbrush tastes of sick, or at least I think it does, but the taste in my mouth is so bad I cant tell”, to which the lads were ****ing themselves knowing full well what that toothbrush had been used fr the nightbefore.

I tell ye this lad is something else.

[KR's Post]

then I saw me mate saying come back come back.

And you say your cuz is thick!!!!!!

[paul_oshea]

And you say your cuz is thick!!!!!!

i never said thick!!!

ya but you see ye im telling ye it happened so quick, and all i heard was a slight bang. dont worry i was ****ed off with meself big time that i didnt get to see the "whole event".

[KR's Post]

my cousin was getting more and more thick,

[Peadar]

And you say your cuz is thick!!!!!!

He meant, odd, cross, mad, annoyed, type of "thick."

[KR's Post]

He meant, odd, cross, mad, annoyed, type of "thick."

So did i.... Look here what he posted.

then I saw me mate saying come back come back.

I meant he is as thick as his cuz!!!

I was like what the fook I culdnt stp laughing, my cousin was getting more and more thick, but couldn’t move as he had nearly castrated himself when hitting the crossbar doing his superman impression. From this day I just cant understand how that windscreen didn’t smash.


Theres a few more I will add later..