Gary McPhee's letter to all St. Pats fans

[A face]

This is taken from the Pats message board

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First of all I would like to say how much i appreciate you making me feel welcome to this wonderful club.
As you all know last season i came to this club with a reputation for scoring goals, I'm sure many of you remember my famous strike down in cork that beat the rebel army. However an unfortunate incident in the tanning salon meant that I had to sit out the rest of the season due to the fact that my tan colour did not match my newly dyed hair. Alas I finished my first as the most prolific striker in the squad with an amazing 100% goals scored per game. (Note to self, see if shels are interested) Anyway come to think of it I'm the best striker this club has ever seen.
Anyway I want to tell you all how sorry I am for Fridays nights performance. It all started to go wrong at 10am that morning when i forgot to moisturise my skin. Then as if that was bad I ran out of Head&Shoulders. Anyway so I decide to go to the Tanning Salon and top up the oul colour. Anyway so I walk out and see that Toni&Guy are giving 10% of all wash and blow drys. So I went in and the receptionist tells me to have a seat and he'll make me a cuppa, what a guy and i really like his hair (Note to self copy his hair style)
So there I am, in the stylists seat after having my hair washed and this girl tassles my hair with the blow dryer when next of all HORROR!, the dryer became overheated and synged my beautiful hair and all i could think of was the slagging robbie doyle was gonna give.
So I left Toni & Guy and tell Johnny the bad news, he sounds really concerned about my hair and tells me that he'll have the physio check it out first thing.
Head down to Richmond and i can tell by Johnnys reaction that it's worse than I thought, no-one talks to me because their too stunned at whats happened. I hear Robbie telling a joke and all the lads looking in my direction, robbie is a good guy always cracking jokes etc but my hair is still nicer than his.
We get out to Bray and the place is a kip. I go through my pre-game ritual of washing and conditioning my hair, then i carefully try to cover up the bit thats been injured. When i get back in the dressing room Robbie is giving a speech to all the lads about the importance of not overwashing your hair, what the **** does he know the ******. Bazza and Johhny have to leave the room because it all becomes too emotional for them. Quigo ruins the Atmosphere in the room by telling us to shut up and concentrate on the game, what a ****** he just wishes hee had a tan like mine.
We're walking out onto the pitch and it's a pretty subdued atmosphere until everyone watches in awe as i make it onto the pitch. You all reacted with joy and it made me happy knowing that you appreciated the struggle i had to be fit for the game.
The game itself was nothing special, the ****ers kept lumping up high balls to me cuz they had a bet to see when my hair would lose it's style. I thought them tho, i got revenge tho, i just kept pretending to challenge for the ball. I could tell the fans we're getting ****ed off at all the lads for trying to ruin my hair and i appreciated the support but would you all please jsut stop and think for a second, Robbie's hair is a disgrace. I say target Robbie, sure he's got a **** strike rate even though mine has gone down to 50% I'm still the best striker ever.
About 20minutes into the second half johnny decided to take me off, he said it was becuase there was no base for attack but i know thats bull**** cuz he won €500 on the hair contest. As i came off you guys were tremendoud yet again giving me vocal support. I think you all appreciated the effort I made during the match even though I was clearly injured.
Anyway I think i've forgotten the reason why i wrote this letter to you all, it's just to let you all know that robbie doesn't use any conditioner so he should get more stick at matches but not too much. You cant blame him for losing the ball that gave away the goal, blame the hair gel that failed to keep the hair out of his eyes.

Love Gary McPhee
St.Pats Most Prolific Goalscorer Ever! FACT!

[A face]

The guy seems to be fair cut up over it .... in fairness, i think he should chill out ...... all strikers have bad hair days hit dry patchs .... he should be patient !!