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Thread: 2018 - month by month predictions

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    2018 - month by month predictions

    So, time once again for my predictions for the season ahead. If you’ve had the dubious pleasure of reading previous attempts (and filling in a Mr A questionnaire along the way) you’ll appreciate that doing this on Shrove Tuesday is perfect timing – I can predict with 100% confidence that at least one of these predictions will fall flat as a pancake!

    February

    • Waterford United are renamed Power City for the new season. Owner Kim Jong Lee hails the start of a Glorious Revolution.
    • Peak6 rename Dundalk O’Real Irish Theme Park FC and deny they aim to Americanise the club and flog tacky merchandise to tourists. Shillelaghs and báiníns go on sale in the club shop.
    • Despite every club vying to have the fourth highest budget (fact!), foot.ie sees an absence of innuendo, whataboutery and hysteria. For two hours. During a nationwide internet outage.


    March


    • The FAI dust off Jon Grabby’s report and do some serious marketing. An unfortunate typo in ads on Grindr for ‘Live Cork Action’ produces few new fans but, with Cork winning 3-0, at least one happy ending. The FAI give up.
    • Drogheda United riff off manager Tim Clancy’s name with posters for ‘Patriot Games’ before home matches. A bad run sees new posters proclaim a ‘Clear and Present Danger’.
    • A reformed Blur support Nigelharps at a Finn Harps benefit gig. The Donegal Democrat prints the club’s PR photos, sending thousands to Specsavers complaining of vision problems.


    April


    • Limerick Injunction threaten to sue Dahamsta unless the lyrics to ‘Limerick, You’re a Lady’ appear on every page. Dahamsta compromises and replaces Russian Bride adverts with Limerick Brides, but – for maximum irony - only in the Totty threads.
    • The Bray board apologise for announcing Johnny Rotten instead of Johnny Ronan as the Carlisle Grounds developer: ‘One was a controversialist, a nihilistic egomaniac punk who broke society as we knew it. The other was a musician.’
    • Sean St Ledger is at the centre of a tug of love between Pats, Sligo, Galway and Mrs Sheena Woffington, 52, of Lr Rydham St, Cobh who fancies the ar5e off him but doesn’t want her husband to know.


    May


    • Sporting a giant ginger afro, Paul Doolin returns to management with Athlone Town. The FAI launch a thatch-fixing investigation.
    • The real Power City sue Kim Jong Lee for trademark infringement. He sticks his fingers in his ears and shouts ‘Blaa blaa blaa, I can’t hear you.’
    • At Belfield a section of fans sings ‘you’re not sanguine any more’ as the UCD keeper returns to action after a blood injury against Longford. They are outed as Trinity College spies sizing up UCD before their annual Colours thrashing. ‘We blew our cover,’ one says. ‘Nobody in UCD is that clever off the cuff.’


    June


    • O’Real Irish Theme Park FC sport their new European kit of green Aran sweaters and trousers belted with baling twine.
    • Shamrock Rovers field ten players in all their games. ‘Might as well start the way we’re going to finish,’ shrugs Bradser.
    • The FAI instruct clubs to replace family areas with ‘zones for problem children’. In protest Bohs rename their ground Dalymount Park for Problem Children, Cobh rename theirs St Colman’s Park for Problem Children; Shels continue to play in Tolka Park for Schooligans.
    Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
    - E Tattsyrup.

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  3. #2
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    July

    • Limerick Injunction sign Alan Judge. To sit on the bench, obviously.
    • The FAI AGM ends in uproar when a question is asked immediately after John Delaney’s oration. A tearful waitress apologises and admits asking ‘are ye ready for yeer coffee now?’ was provocative and uncalled for.
    • The WHO honour Pineapple Stu’s presence on foot.ie by adding him to the food pyramid as one of your five-a-day.


    August


    • Peak6 bow to pressure and build a stand to facilitate Europa league matches. Dismayed fans find it has whitewashed walls and a straw roof. The FAI launch a thatch-fixing investigation.
    • Robbie Keane returns to Ireland from India as Wexford Youths player-manager. He tells journalists: ‘Playing in a struggling league, half-built facilities, locals who speak pidgin English – but the one advantage it has over Kerala is I can drive home to Tallaght after training.’
    • Waterford bakers sue Waterford Blaa FC claiming infringement of a protected food status. A spokesman says: ‘We need the dough.’ Kim Jong Lee promises vengeance and reminds them that Nostradamus predicted the last antichrist would rise in the yeast.


    September


    • Finn Harps become billionaires when they strike oil in the foundations of their new stadium. ‘More delays finishing it - we’ve no luck,’ sighs Ollie as Harps announce that Chelsea is now its feeder club.
    • A Portacabinteely fan finally registers on foot.ie. David Attenborough is despatched to find him.
    • After a humiliating 8-0 home defeat to Pats, Kenny Shiels calls his team big girls’ blouses. The team take it as a compliment. ‘Derry Girls hi. Sure we’re broke to the bone. What about ye hi?’ they ask.


    October


    • Mrs Sheena Woffington kidnaps the doc and holes up in the Commodore Hotel. Freed, the doc calls it a case of mistaken identity. Nobody on foot.ie falls for that one.
    • Fans nationwide are furious when O’Real Irish Theme Park FC run out of sodas and potato chips during their last home game.
    • Hackers highlight BonnieShels’ taste in the Celebrity Totty thread, replacing his avatar with a headshot of Mrs Brown. He reposts it in the thread with the comment ‘phwoarr. Nearly as hot as Grimes!’


    November


    • Stephen McFail lives up to his name when happy-go-lucky Rovers fans denounce the Leinster Senior Cup, League Cup, League title, FAI Cup and Her.ie ‘Biggest R1de of a Team of the Year’ award as a poor return for the season.
    • John Delaney tweets: ‘Fantastic season. 1000% increase in attendances. More goals than ever. Fans love my leadership.’ Donald J Chump tweets: ‘See! I’m not the most deluded person on Twitter.’
    • Kim Jong Lee finally gets his brand: though not the first to really f@&! with your head, Waterford Crystal Meth become the first LoI club to have a street value. Careful dealing allows him to double the budget just in time for the 2019 season….
    Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
    - E Tattsyrup.

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  5. #3
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    Bravo sir. Bravo indeed.
    Upwards to the vanguard where the pressure is too high.

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    Worthy of Dublin Opinion at its best - and that's seriously high praise.

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    Portacabinteely is genius.

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