Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[MysticMon]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. ; ; I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."


ababab

[Magicme]

Yes Us Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[Mr Maroon]

Penalty for Perjury

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

[willymccann]

Customs Declarations

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course.. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[pass&move]

..........The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering
aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just
lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all
of a sudden...
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I
ahm sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee'.
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the
next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a
tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture..
There's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in
the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that
smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up
and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that
he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe...go back man, you was right. Ees not a bacontree.'
'Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
'Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

/
Ees....
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Ees...
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
... Eees a Ham Bush!'

[Terry-Lander]

What's the longest sentence in the English language?

I do.

[Magicme]

I fell asleep with my mobile phone under the pillow last night and when I woke up it was gone and there was 50c in its place. Bloody Bluetooth Fairy.

[willymccann]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. 'Your ****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!'

[stann]

i fell asleep with my mobile phone under the pillow last night and when i woke up it was gone and there was 50c in its place. Bloody bluetooth fairy.

Made me laugh out loud that one.

Got a text joke over the weekend that ran something along the lines of: "Was on holiday in France last week. Great time. Got involved in a strawberry stomping contest in the local village. Just lost out in the final to a woman with no legs. Jammy c**t!"

[inexile]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished

to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was

picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up

prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope



with trembling hands and read the letter.



Dear Dad:



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing

you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I

wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been

finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all

her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and

the fact that she is 25 years older than I am.



But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a

trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for

the whole winter! We share a dream of having many more

children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing

it for ourselves and trading it with the other people

that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the

meantime we will pray that science will find a cure

for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it..



Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care

of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to

visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love,

Your son Jeff


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at

Tommy's house. Just wanted to remind
you that there

are worse things in life than a report card. That is

in my center desk drawer.



Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Mr Maroon]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time ... the reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought!)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)

[strangeirish]

'Nuff said...

[anto1208]

I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever.

So far so good.

[pass&move]

BIKER STORY

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on
the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps
back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.

An Irish Times reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and
brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist from the Irish Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have
this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living ?''
The biker replies, 'I'm an unemployed traveller from Tuam'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The Irish Times to see if it indeed
brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page: *

TUAM KNACKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

[CameramanConka]

When I was a child in the 70's I loved Gary Glitter.

Didn't know the feeling was mutual.

[CameramanConka]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over quota on Pikeys . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the ****ing gates'.

[MysticMon]

[FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=6][COLOR=#444444]God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'


Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3] [/SIZE][/FONT]
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[inexile]

After a British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the
Captain announced:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good,
so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and
.... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking
to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, 'bye jaysus you should see the back of
mine!'

[OwlsFan]

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" He asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races. Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".

His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologised. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"

"Your f *#kin' horse phoned!"

[strangeirish]

How beer works...No sound. None needed!


Click!