Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[paul_oshea]

quality, heard that one a while ago but forgotten, love those sorta jokes!

[Aaron]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.

The next man in line thought this was interesting and was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could
have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...


























'Mop and bucket, Till 5

[strangeirish]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men, totally naked, sitting on
a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one
in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious
critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in
contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman, hearing the curator's explanation,
approached the couple and said,

"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

The couple asked "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
than the
curator of the gallery?"

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all.
They're just three Irish coal miners.
The guy in the middle(Sligoman) went home for lunch."

[anto1208]

quality, heard that one a while ago but forgotten, love those sorta jokes!

Did you hear it here

http://foot.ie/showthread.php?p=613102#post613102

[Lev Yashin]

what do you call a fish with no eyes???



a fsh

[Magicme]

Some more gems from me mammy!

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and
in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping.


I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."


"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten euros," the man says.
"Ten euros?
This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar.
He never did any of that ****e".


KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.


4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE..

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.


24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

[strangeirish]

Bubba goes to the Revival and listens to the
Preacher. After a while, the Preacher asks anyone with needs to come
forward, and be prayed over. Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn, the preacher says, "Bubba,
what you want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to
Pray for my Hearing."
So the Preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear,
and the other hand on top of his head, and prays a while. After a few
minutes, he removes his
hands and says, "Bubba, how's your Hearing now?"

Bubba says, "I don't know, Preacher, it's not
until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge."

[bellavistaman]

What do you call a condom filled with money??

Johnny Cash

[paul_oshea]

Two ducks flying over Norn Iron.
One says to the other "quack quack"
and the other says "I'm sarry I canna go any quacker"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in."
OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?"
he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!"
the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"


if anyone wants to here a good one liner, but might offend, pm me!

[John83]

if anyone wants to here a good one liner, but might offend, pm me!

Post it in spoiler tags with a caveat like that.

[strangeirish]

Einstein's birthday is March 14. He would now be 127. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

[Pauro 76]

The weather here is crap at the moment. Its like being a Muslim in Iraq. Either Sunni or Shi-ite.

[paul_oshea]

classic.

that will be my new line.

[Pauro 76]

classic.

that will be my new line.

Stolen off some comic at the Edinburgh festival. Great gag though!

[anto1208]

This is my new favourite joke

I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off

[declan hide]

This is my new favourite joke

I went for a job interview as a Blacksmith yesterday, he said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said "No, but i've told a donkey to f*ck off

top drawer!

[DIFChick]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says :

"Well, that's great.........that's really great ....... some a***hole has got my pen."

[strangeirish]

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says :
"Well, that's great.........that's really great ....... some a***hole has got my pen."

..I likes that one.

[DIFChick]

Me likes it too! Felt I had to contribute with something seeing as it is Friday and sunny

I used to work in health care at home, so have loads of hospital jokes. Here's another one.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...


A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

...I'll get me coat...

[paul_oshea]

teacher is explaining to a class that we were created by God. Little kid pipes up to say, "But my mum says we're descended from apes!"

Teacher replies "I wasn't fcuking talking to you Leroy"
------------------
Little sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mum,"frank brown showed me his willy2day" b4 mum could protest sally said "it reminded me of a peanut!" , Mum says "really small was it sally??"

Sally says "No salty!".

DIFChick, was the nurse female i hope so for his sake