Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**pineapple stu** · 26/06/2007, 6:07 PM

Originally Posted by 3 Heroes

Doesn't work

Got an extra e in there. Galway Harps' link is the one.

**KoemansCC** · 26/06/2007, 7:21 PM

Garda� in Galway have suspended the investigation surrounding the body of the man found in a freezer at the back of a fish shop in the old city....

Apparently it was just a big cod all along..........

**strangeirish** · 29/06/2007, 1:59 AM

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they WOULD do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was REALLY impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

**Dricky** · 29/06/2007, 11:13 AM

Not sure if this is here already but LMFAO...

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify
the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note
asking
me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?' The blonde
said,
'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take
a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurised?' The blonde said, 'No,
just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.

**strangeirish** · 04/07/2007, 1:57 PM

Police in Liverpool have performed a controlled explosion on a suspicious car, apparently it was taxed AND insured.

Glasgow to host new Islamic festival, Ramavan.

**Macy** · 05/07/2007, 7:19 AM

A major flood hit on Monday evening .
Epicentre: Rotherham, England.
News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing �30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Rotherham. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said: "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings including, benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Pound-stretcher.

Can You Help?
Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster.
Clothing is needed most of all, especially:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockfort boots or any other product sold in Primark
Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference.
Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

**3 Heroes** · 08/07/2007, 6:12 PM

Sol Campbell is rejoining Spurs, he heard their strikers are Bent and Keane

**Blue Man** · 09/07/2007, 6:04 PM

not sure if this has been posted but....

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman is totally starstruck and stammers "You're D...D...David Hasselhoff"!!!. Hasselhoff replies, "Yea I am but these days I just want to be called 'The Hoff' ". So the barman replies "Ah i see, no hassle, Hoff!!

Brilliant!!!

**Sligo Hornet** · 10/07/2007, 7:28 AM

Originally Posted by Blue Man

not sure if this has been posted but....

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman is totally starstruck and stammers "You're D...D...David Hasselhoff"!!!. Hasselhoff replies, "Yea I am but these days I just want to be called 'The Hoff' ". So the barman replies "Ah i see, no hassle, Hoff!!

Brilliant!!!

jaysus......that's ****e I'm afraid!

**joeSoap** · 24/07/2007, 9:10 AM

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Irish Government's FAS scheme and employ people from Limerick. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Limerick area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gadgets.

It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.

However....Ferrari got more than they bargained for.

At the crew's first practice session, not only were the Limerick pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

**Ceirtlis** · 24/07/2007, 2:30 PM

Did ya hear Macy Gray died last night?.......

She tried to say goodbye and she choked.

**strangeirish** · 27/07/2007, 2:39 PM

A man and his wife were driving home one cold night when the wife asked
her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to
see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He said,
"OK, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to keep warm?" the wife asked. He said, "Put it in
between your legs. It's nice and warm there." Giggling she asked, "But
what about the smell?"

He replied, "Just hold his little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

**paul_oshea** · 27/07/2007, 2:44 PM

3 bird watchers sitting in a pub chatting one night, first man says i call my wife a dove, because she is petite, second man says I call my wife a flamingo cos she is tall and slender, third man goes huh I call mine thrush cos shes an irritating cnut!

**the 12 th man** · 27/07/2007, 4:27 PM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would
regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

**ollie** · 27/07/2007, 5:28 PM

I like that one

**Magicme** · 27/07/2007, 5:51 PM

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him
is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and
jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may
know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?" The guy
replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas
." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take
this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes
into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father
Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years." Saint
Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe
and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets
a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can
this be?" "Up here ... we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you
preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."

**strangeirish** · 27/07/2007, 7:45 PM

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

A: In case he got a hole in one.

*Exits stage left*

ClassicStuffHere

**shedite** · 30/07/2007, 9:35 AM

Anyone listen to Today FM's Gift Grub this morning. On Monday's they always do jokes. Seems every joke today was from the last 2 pages of this thread. They're watching us!