Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Magicme]

did yer mother send ye that joke too Magicme?!?!

No but I have sent it to her! She will b forwarding to all her mates no doubt!

[paul_oshea]

the joke was clearly lost on you Magicme

[Magicme]

Did u not hear? Im blonde now!

[strangeirish]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from
an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the
next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news. The donkey died. "Kenny replied, "Well then, just
give me my money back. "The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and
spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey. "The
farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him? Kenny said, "I'm going to
raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" The farmer
replied.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain?" The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron

[Magicme]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
>> husband is at work.
>> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them
>> and hides in the
>> bedroom closet to watch.
>>
>> The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
>> lover in the closet,
>> not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>>
>> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The man says, "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball."
>> Man: "That's nice"
>> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>> Man: "No, thanks."
>> Boy: "My Dad's outside."
>> Man: "OK, how much?"
>> Boy: "$250"
>>
>> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
>> and the lover are
>> in the closet together.
>>
>> Boy: "Dark in here."
>> Man: "Yes, it is."
>> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
>> "How much?"
>> Boy: "$750"
>> Man: "Sold."
>>
>> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your
>> glove, let's go
>> outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I
>> can't, I sold my
>> baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did
>> you sell them for?"
>> Boy: "$1,000" The Dad says, "That's terrible to over
>> charge your
>> friends like that. That is way more than those two
>> things cost. I'm
>> taking you to church, to confession."
>>
>> They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy
>> sit in the
>> confessional booth and closes the door.
>>
>> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>> The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; You're
>> in my closet
>> now."

[Magicme]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Great! We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[strangeirish]

Frog 4 Sale

A blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete
instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the
instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is
specified:


1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog
to do what he has been trained to do.


She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing
happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store."

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn frog just sits there."


The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one more time!"

[Magicme]

Some more jokes from me mammy:

Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says: "Ere, a bunch of us are
heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always
end up Getting my head kicked in.

So?" Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a
hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says: "Fair
enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.

As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking
him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him
with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the
table and wipes up his Jelly baby blood. He then turns to Smartie
and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**king menthol

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a wanted ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you --- you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
"With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[Green Tribe]

Some more jokes from me mammy:

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a wanted ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person.
On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you --- you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
"With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Does yer mammy know Sir Hamish? That's his joke!
I suppose Monaghan isn't too far from Ballinasloe LOL

[paul_oshea]

this fella walks into a pub with a giraffe, they start sinking pints of guiness, after about 8 pints the giraffe falls to the floor and cant get up. The fella is still drinking away and the barman says to him:
"Don't leave that lying there."
Fella says "thats not a lion, thats a giraffe!"

LOL , there is a bit of poetic license with the spelling there ( for those that didnt cop on )

[Magicme]

Does yer mammy know Sir Hamish? That's his joke!
I suppose Monaghan isn't too far from Ballinasloe LOL

Ha....Ballinalsoe is miles and miles away! Thank God!

O'Shea were u nodding at me when u made that "for those who didnt cop on" comment? Am very very upset!

[paul_oshea]

of course not magicme!!! i was on about strange one, besides i hope we are not the only 3 sados who read this thread and its not completely obvious when ye read it, its def one of those jokes that you have to tell rather than read!!!! we're definately the only 3 sados who post though!!!!

[Magicme]

Stop calling me a Sado or will bate ya with me flip flop!

[strangeirish]

Stop calling me a Sado or will bate ya with me flip flop!

Slap him for me too, would ya?

[sligoman]

Does yer mammy know Sir Hamish?

Of course he does, Hamish knows all country women, pretty well too, if ya know what I mean

[strangeirish]

Of course he does, Hamish knows all country women, pretty well too, if ya know what I mean

LOL...Hamish, the bog trotting pimpmeister

[Green Tribe]

Good ol' Hamish, not even on forum and we're slagging him. I like that new name for him Strangeone...

[3 Heroes]

In response to the Rainbow Coalition; Sinn Fein and Labour are forming an alliance hereafter known as Guns n Roses

[Kildare Lad]

I called in to quit my job in the samaritans today...

the fu*kers talked me out of it.

[strangeirish]

A mental patient is walking down the street with a brown paper bag. A passerby asks, "What's in the bag?"
"A frog!" says the mental patient.
"Why do you have a frog in the bag?" asks the passerby.
"It's a theory I'm working on" he says.
"What's the theory?" asks the passerby.
"Well" he says, "Watch this". He takes out this legless frog and puts it on the bonnet of a car and yells "JUMP"
Frog doesn't move. Again he yells "JUMP". Still nothing. Finally he claps as loud as he can and yells "JUMP". Frog doesn't budge.
"There you go" says the mental patient. "That's my theory".
"What exactly is the theory?" asks the passerby.
"Well" says the mental lad, "It seems that if you cut the legs off a frog, it goes deaf".