Quoteguy walks into local Garda station and slaps his mickey onto the counter "here" he says,"breathalysze this cos I'm drivin it home tonight"
Yes, the officer.Originally Posted by strangeirish
Those 15 soldiers captured for straying into Iranian waters, 14 men and 1 woman...
Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it?
You can't spell failure without FAI
guy walks into local Garda station and slaps his mickey onto the counter "here" he says,"breathalysze this cos I'm drivin it home tonight"
British hostages are being released by the Iranians as an Easter gift. Tony Blair says f**k off, he wants an easter egg like everyone else!
was at the cemetery yesterday and I seen some grave diggers walking around the graveyard with a coffin..4 hours later they were still walking round with the coffin.
I thought to myself...these guys have lost the plot.
i like that joke.....was at the cemetery yesterday and I seen some grave diggers walking around the graveyard with a coffin..4 hours later they were still walking round with the coffin.
I thought to myself...these guys have lost the plot.
I like that joke...
why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide..
Some Anti Jokes
Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
------------------------
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
-----------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
------------------------------------------------------------
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt
to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated
rainforest.
------------------------------------------------------------
How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main?
None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leek by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Last edited by gustavo; 13/04/2007 at 11:37 PM.
ive seen a post an emial similar to tis doing the rounds for the past while yet fail to find any of it funny,,,, wheres the humour or am i so tupid i cant see it?
Well i nearly wet myself.
Probably only funny in type.
City definetly have the best bands playing at half-time.
O'Bama - "Eerah yeah, I'd say we can alright!"
G.O'Mahoney Trapattoni'll sort ém out!!
I don't find them funny much myself, but like lots of comedy, it's just about defying expectations - in this case, the expectation of a punchline. It works a little better if you use really hackneyed joke templates, like:
- Knock-knock.
- Who's there?
- TV licence inspector.
- Oh. Damn.
or
- Doctor, Doctor, my throat feels like it's on fire.
- You have tonsilitis. I'll write you a prescription for Augmentin.
You can't spell failure without FAI
A man asked a woman "do you still have your virginity?" She replied "no, but I have the box it came in"
Cheers sirhamish and strangeirish, heard it already though!Those 15 soldiers captured for straying into Iranian waters, 14 men and 1 woman...
Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it?
Mary walks ten miles every day in search of clean water for her family. For as little as 5 Euro a month you too can support a family in Galway
To get a bit high-brow about it I read somewhere once a nice explanation along the lines that comedy lies in the unlikely juxtaposition of precept and percept. 3 Heroes' one above is a great example of this.
The precept with the list of non-jokes being the anticipated punchline, the percept being that it never arrives. Assuming you like this kind of non-joke thing (which I do) then the subtle differences are added by the phrasing, rhythm, cadence and timings of the subsequent 'answer' sentance, which is why the one about the manx cat is the best.
On a whole nother note, I just heard the most foul joke in the world on Paramount tonight, but there's no way it's going up here!
more bass
Why don't deaf people skydive?
They haven't heard of it.
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the crap out of the guide dog
Guy walks down the street with a lady on his back. Someone asks him what he's doing. "I'm going to a fancy-dress party" he replied. "As what?".
"I'm going as a turtle. This is Michelle"
The glass isn't half full or half empty it's just too damn big!
Taxi!
Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months
What have Virginia University and Antarctica got in common? They're both minus 33 today
That might touch a nerve or 2.
Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot
cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just
staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and
takes a sip of his coffee."What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she
steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The
husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember
back then?" he says solemnly.The wife is touched to tears thinking that
her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes,I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember",said the wife, lowering herself into
a chair beside him.The husband continues. "Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or
I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies
softly.He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have
gotten out today."
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Man and Woman are in bed, Man lets off a fart and a being a little embarresed tries to cover it up by saying "1 nil"
Woman then lets off and say's "1 all". Man lets off again and say's "2-1" so the Woman lets off another and say's "2 all". The Man wanting to get one over on her tries to squeeze 1 more out but sh1ts the bed and say's "half time, change side's"
If you're in the penalty area and don't know what to do with the ball, put it in the net and we'll discuss the options later
FORM IS TEMPORARY, CLASS IS PERMANENT
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks