Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**First** · 19/02/2007, 9:51 AM

British & Irish Governments Plan Ceremony in Croke Park Northern Ireland Minister Peter Hain has announced details of a joint ceremony before Irelands crunch game against England in Croke Park on the 24th February.

The significance of the game is not lost on GAA followers and republicans who remember the infamous shooting of 14 players and supporters by the British Army on the 21st November 1921.

However according to GAA spokesman Ulick Magee a plan being devised by the GAA and the Northern Ireland office, will attempt to draw a line under the incident.

"We've spoken to the British government and they understand the significance of the event back in 1921. Back then 14 people were killed by British forces so in the spirit of the peace process and friendship we're proposing that we shoot 14 of their lot before the match. Then maybe have fireworks afterwards or something." Said Mr Magee.

Government Reaction
The plan has had a mixed reaction from Downing Street. Prime Minister Tony Blair thinks the idea has merit but said that it needs to be done properly and with dignity.

"Frankly I think its a small price to pay for progression in Anglo-Irish affairs, but I think the idea of getting Ray Houghton to do the shooting would be too much for many English fans to take particularly after his goal against us back in 1988. And he's Scottish which is worse."

Proposed Victims
According to informed sources, the GAA and Number 10 have already drawn up a list of names for those to be shot. The list, which is not yet agreed, is thought to be a compromise of people that both the Irish and English public dislike. Among the names are moaney-hole singer James Blunt, foul mouth idiot Jade Goody, Trinny & Suzannah, Man Utd donkey Rio Ferdinand, cream cake expert Vanessa Feltz, "comedian" Russell Brand and any of the blokes who do outside broadcasts for Sky News.

But discussions took an ironic twist when both sides agreed on shooting Belfast singer Brian Kennedy, but neither side agreed on what nationality he was. GAA representatives claim he's British with their Foreign Office counterparts claiming he's Irish. The Irish claimed no Irishman should sing or dance in such a manner and the English saying he couldn't be a Brit because he had no tattoos on his forearm and didn't wear Ben Sherman shirts. However there was eventual consensus that he should be shot regardless of his nationality.

Plans agreed
The shooting will be carried out by members of the 2nd Infantry Battalion from Cathal Brugha Barracks in Dublin. The original idea to get the FCA to carry out the executions were dropped when they revealed that their rifles are in fact made of baked-plastercine. Similarly the Garda Emergency Response Unit was discounted for fear they'd shoot more innocent civilians then claim overtime for it.

**gustavo** · 19/02/2007, 9:52 AM

http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/182...rishIndian.mp3

**First** · 19/02/2007, 10:00 AM

OH my God

**willymccann** · 19/02/2007, 12:20 PM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The
Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days."

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods
and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back as the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She
enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What
is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone" The
Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says,

Listen very carefully for....the.. ..last... .time I said...

"BRING POSSE"

**strangeirish** · 09/03/2007, 10:09 PM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years."

**strangeirish** · 13/03/2007, 2:19 PM

These three guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.

The first guy says �It�s gotta be the booze, I�m always drunk � The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy�s thinking, �Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!� and runs into the room.

The second guy says, �It�s the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.� The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn�t believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door.

The third man said �It�s gotta be the weed, I�m always tokin� up� The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can�t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him.

One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He�s got an empty bottle in one hand, he�s completely naked, hasn�t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. �I�ll never drink again!�, he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.

The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in �I�m gay!� he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.

The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago. The devil asks him if he learned anything.

The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek�

�You got a light, Man.�

**paul_oshea** · 13/03/2007, 3:08 PM

dont get it....

**strangeirish** · 13/03/2007, 3:45 PM

Originally Posted by paul_oshea

dont get it....

Eh, he didn't have a lighter for 100 years, so he couldn't smoke his weed. If ye didn't get that, you must have had one yourself today!

**John83** · 13/03/2007, 3:57 PM

St. Peter is on the door (well, the Pearly Gates if you prefer). A freshly dead soul turns up. "So, how'd you die then?" asks Peter.
"Figured my wife was seeing someone behind my back. I went home early, found her there half dressed and started searching the place. I found the ******* hanging off the edge of the balcony. I stamped on his fingers and he fell. It's not that high, and I was really ****ed off, so I lugged the fridge over and chucked it after him. I think I had a heart attack then."

Peter sends him on his way, and soon a second guy arrives.
"How'd you die then?"
"I was doing some yoga on the balcony when I slipped on the remains of last night's curry. I managed to grab onto the next balcony down, but some nutter started stamping on my hands. Last thing I remember is being flat on my back, in agony, and something big, rectangular and white falling."

Peter lets him in, and a third guy arrives.
"How'd you die?"
"Picture me stark naked, hiding in a fridge..."

**dahamsta** · 13/03/2007, 4:00 PM

I love that joke, although in the version I have he just says: "I was in this fridge..."

**paul_oshea** · 13/03/2007, 4:52 PM

Eh, he didn't have a lighter for 100 years, so he couldn't smoke his weed. If ye didn't get that, you must have had one yourself today

no i understood that, as in he was stoned and just sat there doped for 100 years and then turns and asks for a light, i just dont get it as being a joke?

who are the soundest people in hospital?

The ultra-sound people!!!

---------------------------
how did luke skywalker know what darth vader had gotten him for christmas?

he felt his presents.......

**strangeirish** · 13/03/2007, 5:41 PM

Originally Posted by paul_oshea

no i understood that, as in he was stoned and just sat there doped for 100 years and then turns and asks for a light, i just dont get it as being a joke?

The tear rolling down his cheek was the hint...

**Lev Yashin** · 14/03/2007, 3:31 PM

what do you call a scottish cloakroom attendant??

Angus McCoatup

**paul_oshea** · 15/03/2007, 1:47 PM

what did jesus say to david when he was on the cross??

i can see your house from here....quality i love those jokes

**strangeirish** · 17/03/2007, 2:51 AM

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**paul_oshea** · 19/03/2007, 4:02 PM

what did jesus say to david when he was on the cross?

Don't eat my easter egg ill be back on sunday......

blasphemous i know but funny!

**3 Heroes** · 27/03/2007, 6:17 PM

I see the Pakistani's are going to give up playing Cricket.....It seems Bob Slaying is now their favourite sport

**pineapple stu** · 27/03/2007, 6:28 PM

Oh dear...

I hear he's going to be cremated; Pakistan at least want to be able to say they brought the Ashes home...

Red&White · 28/03/2007, 12:01 AM

Originally Posted by strangeirish

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb, and for a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me".

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. I'm new to this. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 23 years."

That's brilliant!