Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**gustavo** · 31/12/2006, 1:44 PM

He's not going out tonight to celebrate cos he feels a bit ropey.

**sligoman** · 31/12/2006, 4:22 PM

Saddam has won the biggest **** in Iraq competition...the judges saw him and said he was well hung.

Apologies

.

**Magicme** · 23/01/2007, 8:24 AM

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters Restaurant.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand... " Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender,"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?"

**strangeirish** · 23/01/2007, 4:29 PM

(of course...there's always more contenders!)

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please
come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too
small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is
her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without
a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A
thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the
water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing
so hard.

NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

**anto1208** · 29/01/2007, 9:32 PM

I heard this the other day and laughed for about 2 hours

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Do you want to go riding bikes .

**Magicme** · 30/01/2007, 8:46 AM

ha ha....Anto...spot on...my family are afflicted with that & its soooo true!

**strangeirish** · 05/02/2007, 6:22 PM

Losing a friend...

**paul_oshea** · 06/02/2007, 1:19 PM

did you hear about the mouse that raped the elephant?

The giraffe put him up to it!!!!

do ye know why he then raped a hedgehog?

Cos he likes the rough with the smooth....

**dcfc1985** · 07/02/2007, 10:10 AM

Jade Goody has been attacked at her home by an intruder with a large knife. Police have arrested Shilpa's mother.......

Ma Shetty!

**sligoman** · 08/02/2007, 6:18 PM

In class, a teacher asks her pupils: 'What part of the human body goes to heaven first?' John, a student, replies 'The feet Miss'. The teacher replies 'Why do you say that John?'. John says 'Because I once saw my mother with her legs in the air screaming, Oh God, I'm coming'.

**John83** · 09/02/2007, 12:51 PM

Originally Posted by John83

The Republic of Ireland football team.

I'm going to reuse this one.

**3 Heroes** · 09/02/2007, 7:52 PM

The GAA are concerned about Croke Park being torn up by the rugger huggers. They were going to fertilise it on Monday, but Steve Staunton contacted them to let them know not to bother as he's bringing a pile of ****e to Croker in March

A brunette and a blonde pass a florist and the brunette spots her fella buying a bunch of flowers, she says "oh no, he always has expectations after buying me flowers. I don't feel like spending the next 3 days with my feet in the air!". The blonde replies "oh, don't you have a vase?"

**Magicme** · 15/02/2007, 8:20 AM

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says

"Whoa,

look at the size of that f*cker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out,

"Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker

fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and
takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that
f*cker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the
mother superior.

"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the

bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says,
"wonderful,
I'll cook that f*cker tonight,

The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans
back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table,

Pours himself a whiskey and says

"You know what?, You c*nts are alright."

**2legged tackle** · 15/02/2007, 11:46 AM

learn chinese in 5 min!!! haha
1) That's not right .......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ................................ Dum Fok
5) Small Horse ............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table .............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift .............. Chin Tu Fat
9) I thought you were on a diet .............. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
10) This is a tow away zone .................. No Pah King
11) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao?
12) Staying out of sight ..................... Lei Ying Lo
13) He's cleaning his automobile ............. Wa Shing Ka
14) Your body odor is offensive .............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
15) Great .................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

tings to do while out shopping!!

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts
when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring in pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick your
nose!

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the Mission
Impossible theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using
different size
funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack; when people browse through, say PICK
ME!

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!! And; last,
but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and
then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

**BohsPartisan** · 15/02/2007, 1:44 PM

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini
van
> > >when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells
out "Oh
fat
> > >boy, whip me, whip me!"
>
> > >Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,
obviously
did
> > >not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration,
he opens
the
> > >window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip
Colleen
>until
> > >they both collapses in ecstasy.
>
> > >About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by
the
> > >whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the
doctor.
>
> > >The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you
get
these
> > >marks having sex?"
>
> > >Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy
(let
> > >alone that she allowed the kinky ******* to whip her)
eventually
admits
>that,
> > >yes, she did.
>
> > >Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought
so,
> > >because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst
case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen.

**smellyfeet** · 16/02/2007, 2:29 PM

John and Mary were on their way home from a night on the booze,Mary say's to John,"John i need to go for a P11S", John replies, "go in behind that bush and i'll keep an eye out for ya". So she went in behind the bush. John could hear her taking down her knickers and felt a bit horny, so he stuck his hand in through the bush and start fealling her leg.Slowly moving his hand up her leg he felt this long/hard thing, He say's to her,"Mary, you should have told me you had a sex change, Mary replies,"John the only thing i changed is my mind, im having a sH1T".

**Peadar** · 16/02/2007, 3:02 PM

Originally Posted by BohsPartisan

"I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Classic!

**Jamjar** · 16/02/2007, 3:12 PM

A couple who are living together for years decide to get married. They set the date for 2 months away. The girlfriend tells the fella that she won't have sex with him until there wedding night. The boyfriend reluctantly agrees. After a few days the boyfriend is becoming increasingly frustrated, so he decides to take matters into his own hands, as it were. His girlfriend walks in and catches him, "Save that 'til we married she says", so the boyfriend apologies and zips himself up. A few weeks later the girlfriend arrives home unexpectedly early. Again she finds the boyfriend pleasuring himself. "I thought you were going to save that 'til we are married" she screams. "I am says the boyfriend, I've saved 2 pints of it already" !!

**Magicme** · 16/02/2007, 4:04 PM

Originally Posted by Jamjar

A couple who are living together for years decide to get married. They set the date for 2 months away. The girlfriend tells the fella that she won't have sex with him until there wedding night. The boyfriend reluctantly agrees. After a few days the boyfriend is becoming increasingly frustrated, so he decides to take matters into his own hands, as it were. His girlfriend walks in and catches him, "Save that 'til we married she says", so the boyfriend apologies and zips himself up. A few weeks later the girlfriend arrives home unexpectedly early. Again she finds the boyfriend pleasuring himself. "I thought you were going to save that 'til we are married" she screams. "I am says the boyfriend, I've saved 2 pints of it already" !!

This is a true story bout you and thats why your called Jamjar isn't it??