Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

Ash.....We need to talk.....I guess that was a bee side joke too!

[Ash]

Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so
Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again,
wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back
and forth along the railing, killing him.
.
.
.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.




Boom Boom!

[BohsPartisan]

Old man is walking is dog down by the Shannon estuary. The dog is his life, he walks it every day. At this one spot he always lets the dog of the lead. The dog never strays far. This one time however the dog sees a Salmon leap and gets excited. He jumps into the water in an attempt to chase it. Suddenly a strong current takes the dog away and pulls him under. A passing German tourist, seeing the old mans dismay jumps in and swims to where the dog went under. He dives down re-emerging from the water a minute later with the dog in his arms. The dog is unconscious but the german puts him down on the river bank and performs CPR on him. After coughing up some water the dog jumps up, shakes himself dry and satrts wagging his tail. The old man is absolutely overjoyed and can't stop shaking the german's hand.

"That was amazing" says the old man "are you a vet?"

The German in disbelief replies "Vet? Look at me, I'm fckin soaking!"

[Raheny Red]

Q. What do you call a fast bun?


A. Scone.




Q. What's the fastest town in Ireland?



A. Tuam.

[sligoman]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Kerry and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Kerry fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Kerry fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Kerry fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Kerry fan, then who are you a fan of?" I'm a Mayo fan, and proud of it,"
Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, are you a Mayo fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Mayo, and my mum is a Mayo fan and my dad is a Mayo fan, so I'm a Mayo fan too!" Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Mayo fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Dublin fan."

[Magicme]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a story book myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f---ing map again."

[Raheny Red]

i bought steve irwins wet suit on ebay for $200, when i got it id had a hole in the chest. i feel ive been stung.

Like when you bought a Dublin City 2006 season ticket

[samabu92]

This might have been on B4.

Wee Johnny comes home from school early one day and finds nobody about so heads up the stairs, when he suddenly hears funny noises coming from one of the bedrooms.
Opens the door and there he sees his mammy on top of daddy and them shagging away.
The mammy shouts "Get out, Get out Johnny and go downstairs and I will explain what I was doing"
Mammy gets dressed and goes down to wee Johnny and explains;" Poor daddy is very sad these days because of his big tummy, so he wanted me to sit on it and try and flatten it back down"
Wee Johnny replies " Thats strange mammy because when you go shopping, wee jimmys mammy next door comes round and blows his tummy back up again and he doesnt look too sad to me"

[Magicme]

Blind man enters lesbian bar by mistake. Finds his way to bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while he yells to bartender in loud voice," Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, I think it only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things....

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is ablonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6 foot, 200 pound blond woman with a Ph.D, a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

Now, think about it seriously sir,do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[paul_oshea]

do ye know what i cant understand?!?!



german...


do ye know what i can't get over?!?!


a 12ft wall!!

[DmanDmythDledge]

do ye know what i can't get over?!?!

Your leg with jokes like that!!!

[ali2005]

Heres one:

U2 are doing a concert in Glasgow.

Bono asks the crowd for some silence.

He then starts to clap his hands.

He says into the microphone:

"Everytime I clap my hand a child in Africa dies."

Then someone in the front row screams:

"Well stop fukin clapping then!"

[BohsPartisan]

Family Planning

[strangeirish]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed; "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked; "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said: "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said;

"I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink , but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied;

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

[ilovejam]

two peado's on a beach, one says to the other......sorry could you get out of my son!

[First]

CLOCKS

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

" Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man.

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."

[Magicme]

My mother sent me this!

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night
together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have
sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the
counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to
put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked,
"What kind of a friggin' pervert do you think I am?"

[CraftyToePoke]

A man walked into the produce section of this local
supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only
sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some a******* wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the
way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like
people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Monaghan, sir" the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Monaghan?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and
football players!"

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Monaghan."

"No shiit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for"?

[Magicme]

Oi Crafty!! Got that as a birthday card but with Liverpool on it. Funnily enough it was from a guy from Limerick?!

Ummm methinks me understands ur slagging Monaghan girls as whores!

[John83]

The Republic of Ireland football team.