Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**hamish** · 04/05/2006, 6:04 PM

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

You're asleep, but others think you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You are proud of your cooker.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 3 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You wear black socks with sandals.

Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get Sky for the Shopping Channels.
You can go out on the town without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even hear it.

**strangeirish** · 04/05/2006, 6:09 PM

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, you think ye have problems, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I pee like a horse. Every morning at 8:00 I sh*t like a cow, then at 9.00 I wake up."

**strangeirish** · 04/05/2006, 6:18 PM

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge!

**hamish** · 04/05/2006, 6:38 PM

Hamish and Strangeirish in the woods.

Hamish and Strangeirish didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Strangeirish immediately wished that all the other people in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Hamish after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Strangeirish was amazed at Hamish's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the people in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Hamish then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Strangeirish could not believe it and complained that Hamish had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Strangeirish made his final wish, that all the other people in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Hamish for his last wish.

Hamish revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Strangeirish was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

**strangeirish** · 04/05/2006, 6:55 PM

.....Tit!

**strangeirish** · 04/05/2006, 7:08 PM

An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Hamish, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said,
"If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus."

**hamish** · 04/05/2006, 7:15 PM

SOME ARE NSFW
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic134.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic125.htm

Strangeirish interviews for a secretary

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic93.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic213.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic207.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic201.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic99.htm

http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/funnypic98.htm

Love is eternal
http://www.saviodsilva.net/09/fpics/pic.htm

**hamish** · 05/05/2006, 1:46 AM

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Two priest's were taking a p!ss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn't that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. I'm down to two butts a day"!

**Magicme** · 05/05/2006, 8:16 AM

Originally Posted by hamish

Only plays one song though

"Thanks for the mammaries"

Getting coat....

Or "Mammaries are a load of tits" (to the tune of Memories are made of this)

I'll get my coat.....not coz my joke is bad but to stop u lot starring at my tits!

**hamish** · 05/05/2006, 2:04 PM

Originally Posted by Magicme

Or "Mammaries are a load of tits" (to the tune of Memories are made of this)

I'll get my coat.....not coz my joke is bad but to stop u lot starring at my tits!

"Starring" at your tits? Is that some kind of position??

Anyway, I'm no good for you today Magicme amigo, just had a guided nerve bloc and am - literally - dead from the waist down.

**pineapple stu** · 05/05/2006, 4:16 PM

Originally Posted by hamish

from the waste down.

Rather unfortunate pun/typo...

**hamish** · 05/05/2006, 5:25 PM

Got this in a BBC Newsnight email today

An eleven-year-old who was sitting in the bath.

His mum came in and the boy looked down at his genitalia, asking her "are those my brains?"

"No," his mum replied. "Not yet, dear."

**sligoman** · 13/05/2006, 3:29 PM

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

**strangeirish** · 22/05/2006, 3:14 PM

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17 . You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

**strangeirish** · 06/06/2006, 7:07 PM

A Small Farm Boy

A little boy came down to breakfast, since they live on a farm his
mother asks if he had done his chores; "not yet", says the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well he is a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens,
and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks
a pig. He goes to feed the cow and he kicks a cow. He goes back
for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
How comes I don't get any eggs and bacon?
"Well" his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't
get any eggs for a week; I saw you kick a pig, so you don't get any
bacon for a week either; I also saw you kick a cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."
Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks pussy-cat
halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

**Magicme** · 08/06/2006, 10:08 AM

My new favourite joke.....

What do you call a deer who can use both its left and right legs?

BABMIDEXTROUS!

**paul_oshea** · 08/06/2006, 11:04 AM

should that not read bambidextrous?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Damn!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. a bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What goes clop, clop, clop, bang,bang,clop clop clop?
An amish drive-by shooting

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.