Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

A trucker picks up a lady hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a
monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles she asks the driver what the
monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with
the back of his hand sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the driver's legs, unziips his fly, pulls
out his foldoorum and proceeds to give the trucker a blow job. When finished,
the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything
back and jumps back up on the dashboard..
"See that" said the trucker.
The lady said "Yeah".
The trucker asked the lady "You want to try it?"
The lady said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Here's an old one I've just remembered.
A gay couple are driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a
stop sign, a massive truck smashed into the back of their car.. Furious, the guy in the passenger seat throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with
his hands on his hips, says
"I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!"
The truck driver, being a truck driver, laughs and says, "Ah, Suck my d!ck!"
The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get real big and
his face just lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to
his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?´ I said, `No, sir. I´m too scared.´ So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I´m sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."

Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"

[strangeirish]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

[hamish]

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

Tarnation!! - I was going to post that one later.

[John83]

Three guys were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 of the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They started getting friendly with a few of the women. One thing leads to another, and soon all three men have had sex with several of the women. Suddenly the Sheik enters the room.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Cop," said the first man." Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a Firemen," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a grin, "I'm a Lollipop Salesman!"

You forgot to mention the last line of that one Sirhamish, "Then we will sell your organ on eBay," said the sheik.

[hamish]

You forgot to mention the last line of that one Sirhamish, "Then we will sell your organ on eBay," said the sheik.

Heh heh Nice one.

NSFW - if you're in an office

http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/i...ring_squad.gif

[DmanDmythDledge]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

[the 12 th man]

Three Nuns in a Church in Spain giving it a spring clean so the Church is closed to everybody.The heat is sweltering as the Air Con is broken and the Nuns are close to exhaustion when they hit on the idea of taking off all their clothes to cool off.

The Nuns are marvelling at how much cooler they feel being naked when there's a knock on the door of the Church and a voice says"Open up,its only the blindman".The Nuns have no hesitation opening the door as their modesty will still be preserved.

They open the door and a cool looking guy with sunglasses walks in and says "Great beavers girls now where do you want these blinds?".

[hamish]

I've just recalled a story about some US politician who went to one of these right wing churches to "cure" him of being gay -after he was "outed", of course.
After he was "cleansed" and in a bid to resurrect his career he gave a big press converence with all his pastors around him.
Unfortunately, he kinda blew it when his final answer to the press questions included the immortal lines:
"I am back in the arms of the lord, he has cured me of the curse of sodomy. Today is a new beginning, I've put it all behind me"

[strangeirish]

A Russian women goes to her Gynecologist and he has her up in the chair.
"OK Petra, spread 'em"
"OK" says Petra.
"Hmmm" says the Gynecologist. "Have you had a check up here before?"
"No!" says Petra. " Just a Latvian and two Romanians"

[hamish]

A drunken man, smelling heavily of beer sat down on a tube train next to a Priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered his response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[redgav]

A man walks into the doctors....
Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What?"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man - "Not really."

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."

Doc - "That sounds stressful."

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"

Man - "Watch porn videos and eat Monster munch."
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I met a girl with a seashell tattoo on her thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you could smell the sea.
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Whats blonde,has six legs and runs through michael jacksons dreams?

Hanson.

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What has 8 legs and a big black c*nt?

The A-Team.

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what did the jewish peodophile say to the little boy in his car?

hey go easy on the sweets

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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door! and your wife is
yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!

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There are two fish in a tank one turn's to the other and says, "how the f*ck do you drive one of these?"

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After the only cow in a small Mayo town suddenly stopped giving
milk,
the angry townspeople discovered they could buy a new cow in Cork for
EUR200. So they raised the money and bought the cow, which produced

milk continuously.

Happy with their success, the townspeople decided to buy a bull to mate

with the cow and produce more cows like it. However, every time the bull
tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

Confused and upset, the townspeople consulted with the local vet.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away," said a town

elder. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side,

she walks away to the other side."

The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,

buy this cow in Ballincollig?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they

bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know
that?"

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, and said, "My wife is
from
Ballincollig."


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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
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Man walks into a sex shop and asks for a blow up doll.

Shop owner " do you want a white one or a muslim one? "

Man " whats the difference "

Shop owner " the muslim one blows herself up "
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Two Middle Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting. The older of the mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures -- they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily,
"he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.

"Yes", says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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A skeleton walks into a bar, and the barman says "what'll it be?".

And the skeleton replies "A pint and a mop.".
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[redgav]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres,Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.............

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees......

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"


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Three pregnant women in a doctor's surgery doing their knitting while waiting.

The first one takes a pill out of her bag and pops it. The receptionist says "excuse me madam could you tell me what it is that you just took?"

Multi vitamines said the lady, I want my baby to have a healthy start.

The second one takes a pill out of her bag and pops it. The receptionist says "excuse me madam could you tell me what it is that you just took?"

Calcium she replied. I want my baby to have strong bones.

The third one takes a pill out of her bag and pops it. The receptionist says "excuse me madam could you tell me what it is that you just took?"

Thalidomide she says.

"Thalidomide screamed the receptionist. Why on earth are you taking that?"

"It's this ****ing knitting" said the woman, "I just can't get the hang of the sleeves"


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What do you call a Jewish-Irish midget?



A Leprecohen!

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Whats Black & Bumps into walls??

Jordans baby
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Why would Mexicans and Blacks never marry?

They'd be afraid their kids would be too lazy to steal.
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Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

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Jill Dando's husband wanted to paint their front door green, but she was dead against it.

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Scenario - Little girl is taking a bath with Daddy

LG - Daddy what's that

D - It's my p*nis sweetheart.

LG - Daddy. Will I get one of those?

D - You will if your mum f*cks off to bingo.

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A guy is having an*l sex with his partner. He lubes up his c*ck and sticks it up, only to stop when she starts screaming "Ow! Ow! That really hurts!"

So he takes it out and lubes it up some more, then sticks it back up her arse. "OW! That's so painful! Stop!" she cries.

So he takes it out once more and puts handfuls of lube on, and all around her arse. He sticks it in for the third time. "OW! That hurts so much! That's excruciating!"

To which he replies:

"Excruciating? That's a big word for a six year old!"

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How do the Greeks seperate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar

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My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs
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Q. what did one lesbian rabbit say to the other?.

A. MMMMMMMMMMMM it is true, we do taste like chicken!

[strangeirish]

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When
time came to present what they found the first little boy walked up to the
front of the class and made a small dot on the blackboard. Puzzled, the
teacher asked him what it was.
It's a period, said the boy.
What's so exciting about a period, she asked.
Damned if I know, said the boy.But this morning my sister was
missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack and the man
next door shot himself.

[sligoman]

Girl's English:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I wont = I will

I want = I will get

I'm lonely = Will you go out with me

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

"Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

"How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English:

" I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

" I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

" I'm tired" - I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

"You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

" I love you" = Let's have sex right now.

"I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!

"Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

"Will you marry me?" = On Our Honeymoon...We Can Have Sex!!

[Dun Laoire]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly...He in the upper bunk and she
in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get
me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

" I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

" Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.


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Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss alps, were an

English guy, an Irish bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young

blonde Swiss girl with very large breasts. The train goes into a dark

tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When

the train emerges from the tunnel the English guy has a bright red hand

print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks the English guy must have groped the blonde in the

dark and she slapped his cheek.

The Blonde Swiss girl thinks; that English guy must have tried to

grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she

slapped his cheek.

The English Guy thinks: that Paddy must have groped the blonde in the

dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irishman thinks..................I cant wait for another

tunnel, just so that I can smack that English Cu*t again.

[CollegeTillIDie]

The English Guy thinks: that Paddy must have groped the blonde in the

dark, she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

And the Irishman thinks..................I cant wait for another

tunnel, just so that I can smack that English Cu*t again.

Classic

[strangeirish]

Subject: Married Life
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer. Bitch !


Footnote:
We divorced and split the house. She got the inside and I got the outside.

[strangeirish]

A British company is developing computer chips
that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are
always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.


Magicme???

[hamish]

A British company is developing computer chips
that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are
always complaining about men staring at their
breasts and not listening to them.


Magicme???

Only plays one song though

"Thanks for the mammaries"

Getting coat....

[strangeirish]

99 Rubber Boobs

You and I in the silicone shop
What can you buy with the money you got?
Save up hard, discip-lun
one by one, both WILL get done
back of shop, a tray tips up
out roll boobs of every cup...(size)
You and I can't believe our eyes
as 99 rubber boobs roll by

99 rubber boobs
rolling through the sliding door
Panic bells, it's red alert
"ATTENTION SURGEONS: STOP YOUR WORK!"
The receptionist, with mouth agape
rushes from behind the drapes
Business will go all pear-shaped
if 99 rubber boobs escape

99 rubber boobs
find the perfect exit route
worry, worry, super-scurry
comes the boss now - in a hurry
"This is what we can't afford!
Down that hill rolls next month's orders!"
Garbage men choke on their pies
as 99 rubber boobs bounce by

T'wards the school the boobs advance
Grade Six gym class wets their pants
Round the bend they enter traffic
looking very pornographic
Through the convent they then roll
mammaries out of control
All the nuns looked quite aghast
as 99 rubber boobs bounce past

(softly)
In the tyre-yard, down the road
In each tyre, a rubber globe
they've stopped bouncing, such a pity
but they all look bruised and gritty
If I COULD grab souvenirs
two I'd pinch for you, my dear
but providence should soon prevail
prepare for next weeks "fake boob discount sale"