Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Schumi]

That's what I though, but -500F isn't possible either, so it's a poor improvement.

That's the joke.

England win the World Cup

Get it now?

Ooh. I'm allowed one more:

[John83]

That's the joke...

I'll have the hit the smilie limit in reply. It's not merely weak, it's obscure (who knows Farenheit these days?), badly converted and long. Frankly, it would have made a weak one liner.

[strangeirish]

1.A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

2.At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."

[hamish]

LMAO - great doctor joke OSO

About a month after God created Adam and Eve, he decides to stop by the Garden to see how they are doing. He comes upon Adam and asks "How are thing going with you and Eve."
Adam replies, "Well, everything was going just great until a few days ago. Then Eve started getting moody and cranky. She hasn't been very cooperative and neither of us understands why. Now this morning she woke up to find blood all over her legs."
God asks "Where is Eve? I need to talk to her."
Adam replies "She went down to the river to get cleaned up."
God replies "Oh no! I'll never get that smell out of the fish."


On the Second day God says to Adam, "I have some good news... and some bad news."
Adam responds, "Well tell me the good news first."
"Alright my son, the good news is I will give you both a brain and a pen!s... the bad news is I'm only going to give you enough blood to run one at a time."


After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?"
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss."
And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want
you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"


There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, "before any of you can enter heaven you must answer one question".
So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, "how long did it take for God to create the world?" the nun replied, "seven days". So there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".
Then ST. Peter ask the second nun, "who were the first man and woman"? the nun replied, "Adam & Eve". so there was bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".
Then he asked the third nun, "what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" and the nun said, "oh my that's really hard", then there was bells ringing and fireworks.

[strangeirish]

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men."
She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl.
"Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

[strangeirish]

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[osarusan]

A woman has been in a coma for a long time, and her husbans comes to visit here every day, but he has almost given up hope that she will recover.

One day the hospital staff are giving here the usual sponge bath, and when they put the sponge between her legs, she seems to show some flicker of life and her pulse speeds up a little.

The doctors call the husband into the hospital and tell him the news. He cant see why they are so excited. So the doctor spells it out for him -"We believe that oral sex might actually be beneficial for her". The husband thinks this is ridiculous, and refuses outright. But the hospital staff convince him that he really has nothing to lose, and finally, still muttering protests, he agrees to do it.

He goes into the ward. and the curtains are pulled around them for privacy, while all the doctors wait outside.

As the doctors listen, they can hear the womans pulse going.....
BEEP..........BEEP..........BEEP...........BEEP... .......BEEP..........BEEP, and slowly it gets faster.........BEEP.......BEEP......BEEP....BEEP.. .BEEP..BEEP.BEEP.BEEP

The doctors are delighted, as their plan is working.

THen, suddenly,

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEP.

They pull back the curtains to see the husband looking at them furiously.

I knew it, he says,

"I bloody choked her".

[strangeirish]

Oldie but still good...

[paul_oshea]

A radio station in Ireland ran a phone - in competition to find the
most embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four
were:





4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself
right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the
eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'if you don't let me go
right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last
night'. After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of
my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The
last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were screams of laughter.





3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at
home, but my

parents had gone out for the evening, so i invited my
girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love,
we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend
that I give her
a
piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to
miss the call we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom
of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people
yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My
entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles,
cousins as well as my
friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were
frozen on the spot
in
a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since
then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.





2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she
finally
got to
the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no
price tag.
The
checkout girl got on the public address system, which
boomed out across the
store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX
SUPERSIZE'. But it got
worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word
'Tampax' for the 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business
like tone, his
voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you
want the kind
you
push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a
hammer?'

[Magicme]

Little Aaron, who was Jewish, was doing very badly in math. His
parents
> > >>had
> > >>tried everything: tutors, and everything else they could think of.
> Finally
> > >>in a last ditch effort, they took Aaron and enrolled him in the local
> > >>Catholic school.
> > >>
> > >>After the first day, little Aaron came home with a very serious look
on
> > >>his
> > >>face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went to his
room
> > >>and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the
room
> > >>and little Aaron was hard at work. His mother was amazed.
> > >>
> > >>His Mother called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he
was
> > >>done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was
> back
> > >>hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day
> after
> > >>day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
> > >>
> > >>Finally, little Aaron brought home his report card. He quietly laid it
> on
> > >>the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great
> > >>trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Aaron
got
> an
> > >>A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his
room
> > >>and
> > >>said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
> > >>
> > >>Little Aaron looked at her and shook his head, no.
> > >>
> > >>"Well, then," she replied, "was it the discipline, the structure, the
> > >>books, the uniforms??
> > >>
> > >>"No", said little Aaron.
> > >>
> > >>WHHHAAATTT was it then???", she asked.
> > >>
> > >>Little Aaron looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school,
> > >>when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't
fooling
> > >>around."
>

[sligoman]

It's degrees Celsius, not Celsius degrees, and it stops around -273°C. Even Farenheit doesn't go that low.

Trust the UCD fans to turn this thread into an education lesson.

[Magicme]

The National Poetry Contest Had Come Down To
Two , A Yale Graduate And A Redneck From East Texas.
They Were Given A Word, Then Allowed Two Minutes To
Study The Word And Come Up With A Poem That
Contained The Word. The Word They Were Given Was
Timbuktu.

First To Recite His Poem Was The Yale Graduate. He
Stepped To The Microphone And Said: "slowly Across
The Desert Sand, Trekked A Lonely Caravan. Men On
Camels, Two By Two, Destination: Timbuktu."

The Crowd Went Crazy! No Way Could The Redneck Top
That, They Thought As The Redneck Calmly Made His
Way To The Microphone And Recited:

"me And Tim, A' Huntin' We Went.
Met Three Whores In A Pop-up Tent.
They Was Three, And We Was Two.
So I Bucked One, And Timbuktu."

The Redneck Won Hands Down

[Schumi]

Trust the UCD fans to turn this thread into an education lesson.

Trust the Sligo fans to take four days to work out what's going on.

[sligoman]

Trust the Sligo fans to take four days to work out what's going on.

See my location? I live in a place with no internet connection and didn't get on here til last night, duh!.

.

[strangeirish]

CLASSIC REDNECK WOMAN....

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, - 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come arunnin. 'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' - and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "I call them by their last names."

[hamish]

moses.jpg

Thanks to Mork for sending this e-mail and for Shakedown for trasferring it to here.

[strangeirish]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim
out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because
she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news".

The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so
rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of
another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

[strangeirish]

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.

"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.

[hamish]

Two women and a man are in the back of a bus. The first woman whispers, "The man next to me is w@nking!" Her friend says, "Just ignore him." To which she replies, "I can't! He's using my hand!"

A man goes to see the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "I need you to stop masturbating." The man asks, "Why? It doesn't make you go blind." The doctor replies, "I know, but it's disturbing to the other patients."

This is supposed to be a true story but I reckon it's an Irish urban myth.
Usual court case, gurrier up for GBH. Gurrier sitting beside council, noisily chewing gum. Annoyed judge calls court official, "Tell that young man to stop masticating". Court official whispers to gurrier's council, "Will ya tell that fcuker to take his hands out of his fcukin' pockets"

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Driving to Galway!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well, Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Galway." "Great," replies the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously throbbing his knob. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Galway!"

RFLMAO - I'd forgotten this one
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.
Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?"

He answers, "Pepper."


Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"
Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"
Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."
About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

[strangeirish]

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."