Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[hamish]

that mccartney one is class

good man hamish the one liners are teh best. i do be cracking them up at work with all these one liners.

Glad to see I'm helping with the aul work productivity Paul. LOL

[hamish]

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
Nice t!ts!

A Geologist is giving a tour of his laboratory, the tour walks past a very large seismometer and one of the tourist asks “what this?” the Geologist replies “that is the world most sensitive seismometer” the tourist asks again “Really? How sensitive is it?”
The geologist says, “Here let me show you.” and walks up to the seismometer opens up a control panel and screen and starts typing away, then he says “Well according to this you have farted twice in the last hour.”

God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."

Whats the Cuban national anthem?
Row Row Row your boat

[hamish]

A new priest was performing his first mass and was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After the mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous i take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous so he took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh!t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off of his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said “take this and eat for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”

12) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”

13) The recommended grace for before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

[Hulsey]

Wayne Rooney rings Alex Ferguson one Monday morning. "Me ma bought me a jig-saw to calm me down and stop me robbing cars and comitting other assorted crimes, but it won't work. None of the pieces fit together properly." So alex tells his young striker to bring the puzzle over to his house and he'll give him a hand with it. Upon entering Alex tells the youngster to go into the sitting room and set it up while he goes and makes some tea. Alex returns a couple of minutes later and takes one look at his table before screaming at Rooney "Wayne put the fcukin Frosties back in the box!"
-------------------
How does a man utd fan get into a honest business?
Through the sky light!
------------------
Whats the difference between a man utd fan and a Dildo?
A man utd fan is a real pr!ck.
-------------------
Why do people take an automatic dislike to man utd fans?
It saves time!

[hamish]

Quickies

I used to be a boxer they called Picasso as I was always on the canvas.

A friend said, "My wife's an angel". I said, "Your'e lucky, mine's still alive

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Connemara?
Anywhere else they would call it a teethbrush.

Why do women rub there eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Superman is flying about, checking out the city to see if it is crime free. He sees Wonderwoman naked on one of skyscrapers.
He thinks to himself "Hmm, I've always wanted to ah@g that one. I'll just use my light speed to go down, give her one, and then fly off!".
So anyway, he does so.
Wonderwoman exclaims "Holy ****, what was that?"
And invisible man, who was on top of her, goes "I don't know, but, suddenly I've an awful pain in the hole"

CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp c.ock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine."


What did the iraqi woman say to her husband? 'Does my bomb look big in this?"

[hamish]

Two Iraqi blokes talking in the pub and the first one shows the other a picture and says,"This is my 1st son, he's a martyr". He then shows him another picture and says,"This is my 2nd son, he's a martyr" and then he shows him another picture and says,"This is my 3rd son, he's going to be a martyr" and the other one turns round and says,"Yes they blow up so fast these days".

There are these two penises walking down the straight, and they see a gay bar. one turns and says to the other "Hey, let's go in there and get sh!t faced!"

A Beeslowman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Beeslowman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Beeslowman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Beeslowman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[hamish]

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell,
where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the Devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in Hell. "No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Ronald Reagan with sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, giving him a blow job, Bush looks in disbelief, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle that."

The Devil smiled and said,
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Love that one.

[hamish]

Stevie Wonder was over in Dublin to do a concert and stayed in The Gresham Hotel the night before.
The waiter asked him would he like a snack and he said he'd love a cup of coffee and some biscuits.
Waiter brought him coffee and a plate of Cream Crackers.
Afterwards, the waiter asked him was the snack ok.
Stevie replied, "Yeah, coffee was great but those books were fcukin' lousy"

[hamish]

Why do people take an automatic dislike to man utd fans?
It saves time!

LOL Great Manure jokes Hulsey.........just forwarded them to my mates around the country.

[Peadar]

This was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at the Man United the other day:

"Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house"

[hamish]

This was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at the Man United the other day:

"Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house"

LOL

I don't know whether this should be in a thread of its own but it's funny enough. Got it from a buddy a few days ago.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh!t, that they had attained the holy p!ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b@stards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w@nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw@ts.


John

[strangeirish]

Devil in Church

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly Satan appeared
at the altar. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the
evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan

"Don't doubt it for a minute", returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?"

"Yep", was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan

"Nope", said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

[Thunderblaster]

Gary Glitter has just being convicted and sentenced to death in Vietnam. He was asked to make his last will and testament. In his will, Gary asked that he would be cremated and that his ashes be put into an etch a sketch so that the children can still play with him!!

[Thunderblaster]

Get Knob to Zero!

Turn knob below to load gun.
Hit target to release prizes.
6 shots. 30 seconds time limit.

Also on a fire extinguisher!!

Free and direct horn!

[Hulsey]

Why do man utd fans whistle when they're on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe.
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What does a man utd fan do when they've just watched their teambeat Lille?
Turn off the playstation.
-------------------------
What do you call a pregnant man utd fan?
A dope carrier
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Whats the difference between a busload of man utd fans and a hedgehog?
On a hedgehog the pr!cks are on the outside.
-------------------
Whats the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead man utd fan in the middle of the road?
Thre are skid marks in front of the dog.

[pineapple stu]

Would it not be easier to put that up as one post?

[sligoman]

Would it not be easier to put that up as one post?

Yes, but then his post count wouldn't go up as much.

I'll merge all of them when I get a chance later on

[carrickharp]

Start them of young

[carrickharp]

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".


Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[sligoman]

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently sueing the Word Perfect organisation for Termination without Cause .

>Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
>Caller: Yes, well, I m having trouble with WordPerfect.
>Operator: What sort of trouble??
>Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
>went away.
>Operator: Went away?
>Caller: They disappeared.
>Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
>Caller: Nothing.
>Operator: Nothing??
>Caller: It s blank; it won t accept anything when I type.
>Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??
>Caller: How do I tell?
>Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??
>Caller: What s a sea-prompt?
>Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
>Caller: There isn t any cursor: I told you, it won t accept anything I
>type.
>Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator??
>Caller: What s a monitor?
>Operator: It s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
>Does it have a little light that tells you when it s on??
>Caller: I don t know.
>Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
>power cord goes into it. Can you see that??
>Caller: Yes, I think so.
>Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it s
>plugged into the wall.
>Caller: Yes, it is.
>Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
>were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??
>Caller: No.
>Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
>the other cable.
>Caller: Okay, here it is.
>Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it s plugged securely into
>the back of your computer.
>Caller: I can t reach.
>Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??
>Caller: No.
>Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
>over??
>Caller: Oh, it s not because I don t have the right angle - it s
>because it s dark.
>Operator: Dark??
>Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
>coming in from the window.
>Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
>Caller: I can t.
>Operator: No? Why not??
>Caller: Because there s a power failure.
>Operator: A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we ve got it licked
>now.
>Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
>came in??
>Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
>Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
>like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
>it from.
>Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
>Operator: Yes, I m afraid it is.
>Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??
>Operator: Tell them you re too ****ing stupid to own a computer