Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[dahamsta]

Never heard this one before meself...

A couple of lads from Cavan are out hunting for pheasants or something in the woods in a remote region between Cavan and Longford when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. Well, the other fella doesn't know what to do, but he has a moment of inspiration, and he whips out his mobile phone and he rings RTE.

He gasps to the operator in Montrose and he tries to explain the situation as best he can, and says: "Please put me through to Joe Duffy on 'Liveline'
as fast as ye can."

So the operator puts him through, and he starts blabbing away to Joe Duffy: "Joe, Joe, ye have to help me, I don't know what to do! Me best friend is
dead! What can I do?"

Then Joe, in a very calm and soothing voice, says: "OK caller, just take it easy. I can help. First, let's just make absolutely sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The lad's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK Joe, now what?"

[gustavo]

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the
bell
for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The
driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the
bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the
electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants
him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over
there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that banana?" The executioner
gives
the man his banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished,
the
executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts
through
the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner
can't
believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner,
"that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his
job
back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to
go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is
killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric
chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to
the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the
chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that
banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The
executioner sighs
and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and
the
executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair
blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there
smiling
in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well,
would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again
he
rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three
of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all
the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The
man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish?" asks the
executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that banana out of your
packed
lunch." The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all,
skin
included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion
volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there
alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't
understand how you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin.
"It's something to do with that banana isn't it?" he asked.
"Nahh," said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."

[gustavo]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband
>> > >> > in bed with
>> > >> > another woman. With superhuman strength borne of
>> > >> > fury, she dragged
>> > >> > her husband down the stairs to the garage and put
>> > >> > his penis in a
>> > >> > vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
>> > >> > handle.
>> > >> > Next she picked up a hacksaw.
>> > >> >
>> > >> > The husband terrified screamed,
>> > >> > "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?
>> > >> >
>> > >> > The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,
>> > >> > "Nope. You are.
>> > >> > I'm going to set the garage on fire

[Citymark]

Q. What do you call a homosexual dinasour?
A. Megasorearse!

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinasour?
A. Melickalotofpuss

Q. What do you call a paediofile dinasour?
A. BARNEY!!!

[A face]

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today,
the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to
clear up certain things that have occurred since the
beginning of the month.  When filled with illusion, I
wrote you my letter.  I asked for a bicycle, an
electric train set, a pair of  roller blades and a
football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year.  Not
only was I the first in my class, but I had the best
grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to
you, there was no one in my entire neighbourhood that
behaved better than me, with my parents, my  brothers,
my friends and  with my neighbours.  I would go on
errands and even  helped the elderly  cross the road.
There was virtually nothing within reach that I would
not do for humanity.
What sort of balls do you have leaving me a f ucking
yo-yo, a poxy whistle and a pair of f ucking socks.
What the f uck were you thinking, you fat f ucking son
of  a b itch.  You've taken me for a sucker the whole
f ucking year to come  out with this f ucking s hit that
I found under the tree.
As if you hadn't' f ucked me enough, you gave that
little p rick across the  road so many toys he cant
even walk into his house.  The little c unt  didn't
know what to play with first.  I soon fixed that for
the little f ucking  f aggot.  Please don't   let me see
you trying to get your  big fat f ucking a rse down my
chimney next year.  I'll f uck you up, I'll
stick the  biggest f ucking pitchfork I can find right
up your hole.  I'll throw rocks at your f ucking
reindeers and scare them away to f uck, then
you can f ucking walk home you b ollix, just like I have
to walk since I didn't get  the f ucking bike I asked
for.


F UCK YOU SANTA,

LITTLE JOHNNY.

[Gunthers Mask]

Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
A woman won't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy!!

[A face]

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director...
To: All staff
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the staff Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a trad jazz band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the
CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a
non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate
this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't
be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party
-
the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for a
doggy
bag take-home kit in little foil containers. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the
dessert
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the loos. Did I miss
anything?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. OK???

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like
Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there
is
no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition,
folks, like those pumpkins at Halloween or green pints on Paddy's Day or
family
feuds during the Christmas Top of the Pops, or broken hearts on Valentine's
Day.
Could we lighten up?

FROM: Pat Smith, HR Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? Vee bloody gans? That's it I've had it with the whole lot
of
you!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether
you
like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of
death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar,
including organic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now!

FROM: Karen Jones, Acting HR Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat a speedy recovery from her
stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the
rest home. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday
Party
and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy
Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas

[Ash]

Sky Sports are aggressively expanding their portfolio, and have just acquired
the rights to the world origami championships. Fans without premium channels
are, however, up in arms

Sadly it's pay-per-view

Boom Boom!

[paul_oshea]

i dont get whats funny about that.

[Peadar]

i dont get whats funny about that.

origami = paper folding
Pay per view = word play on "paper" view

Paul = Sap!

[paul_oshea]

ya as i say i dont see whats funny

[patsh]

[size=2]A SUNDAY league football team is so desperate for players that one Sunday they are forced to play with a chicken in their team. Surprisingly, the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next putting in a perfect cross.At half time all the team mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.On the way the ref starts chatting to the chicken. `Great first half mate.'Thanks,' replies the chicken, `I try to keep myself fit. It's difficult finding time, but I do an hour in the gym each morning before work.`What do you do?' asks the ref.`I'm a chartered accountant,' comes the reply. At which point the referee brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team mates gather round and start complaining to the referee.`Sorry lads, says the referee, `I had no choice. Professional fowl.'[/size]

[carrickharp]

Cracker

[Ash]

When my grandmother was 60 she started walking five miles a day.
She turned 97 today, and we have no idea where she is?

Boom Boom!

[Macy]

If this carries on I'll be dishing out warnings....

[Ash]

Just got sent this .....

A kid goes into his mother in the kitchen and asks her for the scouring pad.
Then he puts it on the floor and starts jumping up and down on it.
His mother asks "What are you doing?"

He says "Is this the way to harm a brillo?"

[Peadar]

The boss was in quandry - he had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. But it was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the following day with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went over to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her: "Debra," he said, "I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." "Could you jack-off?" she said. "I feel like shít this morning!"

An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. Entering the examination room, the doctor says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

Q. What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde?
A. A bottle blonde doing cartwheels!

Q. Why don't Dublin girls talk when having sex?
A. Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

[strangeirish]

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."



Bada boom bada bing

[Green Tribe]

1. Take taxi from your place to Glasgow
Airport.

2. Get flight to London Heathrow Airport.

3. Catch American Airlines flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth
Airport.

4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.

6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles

7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -
follow for 2.9 miles

8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles

9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

10. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

11. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0
miles

12. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

13. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

14. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8
miles

15. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

16. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles

17. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

18. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now THAT is the way to f*cking Amarillo...

[paul_oshea]

reporter to gordan strachan after a match:

"gordon any chance of a quick word?!"

"velocity"

and off gordon goes. legend.

this lad is walking up in belfast when all of a sudden he is grabbed from behind and shoved up against the wall. teh man pulls out a gun and says to him,
"what religioin are ye?"
"what?"
"what religion are ye?"
"jewish, im jewsih"

"well i must be the luckiest fooken muslim in belfast today" and bang