Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Class photoshop, though thank goodness it wasn't of the epileptic Bedouin from Arabia or StrangeIrish would be sharing a Latte with Salman Rushdie!Originally Posted by strangeirish
Very, uh, retro...?
I was listening to a bit of Beethoven's 6th in A Flat earlier.
It was quite good but tomorrow I'm going to see if it sounds better in A House. * *
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
A new sign at the AIB drive-thru Bank in Cabinteely reads:
'Please note that this Bank has installed new drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. LOWER your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.
********************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check make-up.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26.. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
How do you tell a kebab to be quiet?
Ssssshhhhh kebab.
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.
Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player .
Last edited by the 12 th man; 14/10/2010 at 11:21 AM.
The Chilean Miner rescue is finally over. The slow process was accomplished, Juan by Juan.
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Stolen for FB.
I believe they are all doing well except for one of them who is suffering from severe anxiety as he realised he forgot to clock in.
Last edited by Magicme; 14/10/2010 at 4:35 PM.
At a recent job interview:
Q. What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
A. Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
Q. And your strengths?
A. I'm Batman.
#NeverStopNotGivingUp
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from a vegetarian club.
I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's retarted brother.
(Im so sorry!)
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
One for the pub tomorrow!
Germaine Defoe was at a party and comes up to this woman and says: "I fancy you, get your coat, you're coming back to my place". The woman replies "You're a little forward aren't you?"
Forget about the performance or entertainment. It's only the result that matters.
whos that? is he related to Jermain Defoe
jermain man
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