Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**the 12 th man** · 03/09/2010, 1:40 PM

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little sh1te has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

**osarusan** · 03/09/2010, 2:43 PM

Originally Posted by culloty82

(With apologies to Myles na gCopaleen)

Keats had recently taken computer classes, and after mastering the basics, soon he was readily browsing the Web. Perusing the various sites available alone, he endeavoured to create his own, despite Chapman's scepticism, and focused on his interest in military history, specifically the Afrika Korps. At first, the page was a tremendous success, drawing thousands of daily hits, before eventually interest waned, and eventually dwindled to zero. Disillusioned and disheartened, Keats pulled the plug, but was far from consoled by Chapman's smug reply "It was blatantly obvious that your venture would prove a failure. I explicitly warned that you were blogging a dead force!"

Get your coat ffs.

**juan** · 06/09/2010, 2:56 AM

Originally Posted by danthesaint

New on Channel Four!

Coming live and uninterrupted from Chile,

33 contestants,
...
4 months,

1 cave.

Dig Brother

Day 1 in the Dig Brother cave and the contestants are already beginning tofeel enclosed by their surroundings.

Coat. Hat. Gone.

**Ozymandias** · 06/09/2010, 10:41 AM

A woman with tiny tits goes into M&S and asks for a bra size of 32AAAA, but they don’t do anything in M&S that small. She then goes into Dunnes and asks for the same and again finds they don’t do anything there that small. After several stores and the same answer, she storms into Debenhams, marches up to the lingerie department, pull’s her top off and yells “Do you have anything for these?” to which the assistant replies “Have you tried Clearsil….?”

**strangeirish** · 07/09/2010, 3:12 PM

Wanted:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

**danthesaint** · 08/09/2010, 12:58 PM

I remember during the world cup shouting "rooney u fat stupid c*nt
u couldn’t score in a brothel.....

how stupid do i feel

**dahamsta** · 08/09/2010, 5:07 PM

**Magicme** · 09/09/2010, 12:37 AM

Dam you Adam, not I will have to bark at ducks from now on! GRRRRR.

**Supreme feet** · 09/09/2010, 2:14 AM

There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.

I must find an Italian, they're good at fixing games.

**Lev Yashin** · 09/09/2010, 12:19 PM

Originally Posted by Supreme feet

There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.

I must find an Italian, they're good at fixing games.

Or you could find a Pakistani...

**the 12 th man** · 09/09/2010, 12:22 PM

Originally Posted by Supreme feet

There's a scratch on my Call of Duty CD, and it won't work anymore.

I have the French version of Call of Duty game,when it loads up the only option is "quit".

**Mr A** · 09/09/2010, 12:32 PM

I ordered the American version but it turned up several years late.

**John83** · 09/09/2010, 4:42 PM

Originally Posted by Mr A

I ordered the American version but it turned up several years late.

Yeah, but few of the American reviewers are willing to admit as much.

**Bluebeard** · 09/09/2010, 6:41 PM

Was the Irish version of that not originally called "Just a bit of bother"?

**Stevo Da Gull** · 09/09/2010, 10:15 PM

Read this one today..

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?".
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea".

**Lev Yashin** · 10/09/2010, 9:50 AM

I sat down in front of the TV today and turned on Dave....
I wasn't even trying to be sexy.

**OwlsFan** · 13/09/2010, 9:34 AM

Originally Posted by dahamsta

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four Euro," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."

**Lev Yashin** · 13/09/2010, 1:38 PM

How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer??

Put him in the Microwave untill his Bill Withers.

**Deckydee** · 16/09/2010, 10:23 AM

After one hour in prison George Michael had a chocolate bar shoved up his arse by a fellow inmate.

Prison officers said it was just a careless wispa.

What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common?

Both will be free after eight weeks of heavy drilling.