QuoteGot this joke from a friend:
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Got this joke from a friend:
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Back to Edinburgh again. I love 4 and 9.
I'm not sure why I seem to read them as in Jimmy Carr's voice. Number 2 sounds like a joke Jimmy would say as does number 9.
The top ten jokes from this year’s Edinburgh Festival. Some made me smile and even laugh so thought I’d share…
The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:
• 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
• 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
• 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
• 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
• 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
• 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
• 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
• 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
• 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
• 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
A man goes into a maternity shop to buy his wife a bra. The shop assistant asks "What bust?". The man says "The feckin' condom!".
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
South African runner Caster Semenya has reacted with fury that she has to undergo a sex test. She's quoted as saying 'After winning the gold, this is a real kick in the balls'
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Jaysus. Is he/she still a friend?Originally Posted by Umberside
Oh and you can tell us the answer with the joke too. Guessing the answer to your joke on here doesn't really work.
I hate when somebody asks me a joke as a question. Inevitably (unless I've had the fortune of hearing it before) I'll have to go 'I don't know' at which point its slightly awkward!!!
Oh and having to laugh despite not really finding the joke funny. Another awkward one.
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
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Supposedly, the two funniest jokes of all time according to this lot: http://www.laughlab.co.uk/
Extratime.ie
Yo te quiero, mi querida. Sin tus besos, yo soy nada.
Abri o portão de ouro, da maquina do tempo.
Mi mamá me hizo guapo, listo y antimadridista.
Someone sent me a text earlier this morning, all it had was the letters a,b,g and n in it. To be honest I think it was bang out of order.
My job is so f*cking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f*cking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big f*cking dog to work. Every f*cking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single f*cking day.
Anyway, I drive these f*cktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and sh*t.
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick *******"
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
" one for the ladies out there " Why isit so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
" football is a simple game "
"Here is a ball.
Look at the ball.
I like the ball.
The ball is round.
Look at the round ball.
I like the round ball."
(Dwight Yorke's autobiography is on sale now)
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
This guy entered 10 puns in the national pun competition to see if he could win it but no pun in ten did.
Oh, I don't think those competitions mean anything. I mean, if you've seen pun, you've seen 'em all.
You can't spell failure without FAI
Nostradamus said that when a black man was elected to lead the most powerful nation in the world, then pigs would fly.
2009, Obama takes office in the White House and becomes the first black man to lead the most powerful nation in the world.
And what else has happened to prove Nostradamus correct?
Swine flu.
Coleman for Ireland
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went into a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
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I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
I like Tim Vine too.
So I bought this chess set, but it was no good and I took it back to the shop. I said "that's stalemate." He said "are you sure?" I said "checkmate."
Last year in Edinburgh there was a oldish chap as a guide on one of the open top buses going round he city, funny man, Going past one of the many graveyards there he told the same joke as above, that it was a little known fact that the inventor of the crossword was buried there, he couldn't remember his name but it was P something T something something.
It was a hop-on-hop-off bus so he also said if anyone wanted to get off to see the grave you had to go in the main gate and then it was two down and five across.
Last edited by stann; 09/10/2009 at 3:05 PM.
more bass
I’m halfway through the book of genesis & there’s no mention of Phil Collins yet
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Keep reading , theres a good section about him from when he takes over from Peter Gabriel as frontman
just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to **** off!!Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
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