Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**Bluebeard** · 23/01/2009, 3:24 PM

A woman gets onto a bus carrying her baby. As she's buying her ticket, the driver says
'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'

Shocked and appalled the woman says nothing, but takes her ticket and goes to find a seat near the back of the bus. She sits down next to a man, and, seeing her distress he asks her what's wrong.

'That bus-driver has just been incredibly rude to me - I've never been so insulted in my life! I really feel I should go and give him a piece of my mind!'

'That's terrible, love! You stand up for yourself' the man replies. 'Go and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you.'

**Den Perry** · 26/01/2009, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Bluebeard

A woman gets onto a bus carrying her baby. As she's buying her ticket, the driver says
'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'

Shocked and appalled the woman says nothing, but takes her ticket and goes to find a seat near the back of the bus. She sits down next to a man, and, seeing her distress he asks her what's wrong.

'That bus-driver has just been incredibly rude to me - I've never been so insulted in my life! I really feel I should go and give him a piece of my mind!'

'That's terrible, love! You stand up for yourself' the man replies. 'Go and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you.'

brilliant

**kingdom hoop** · 29/01/2009, 12:05 PM

Ok, a flash of inspiration just penetrated my brain and a 'joke' was formed.

"So, you know that food safety scare we had with the pigs and all that there a few months back, yeah?" "Yes, I remember." "Well anyway, I think most people are back eating pigs and enjoying the tastiness once again." "Yeah, haven't heard much about it since, presume everyone is." "You're right, except there is this one place where a boycott continues." "Go way, hadn't heard that, where is it?"

"Well it's in the Midlands of England, this strangest of strange cities - goes by the name of Notteatingham."

Whatcha think - stand-up comedian or stand up and get my coat?

**Lev Yashin** · 29/01/2009, 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by kingdom hoop

Ok, a flash of inspiration just penetrated my brain and a 'joke' was formed.

"So, you know that food safety scare we had with the pigs and all that there a few months back, yeah?" "Yes, I remember." "Well anyway, I think most people are back eating pigs and enjoying the tastiness once again." "Yeah, haven't heard much about it since, presume everyone is." "You're right, except there is this one place where a boycott continues." "Go way, hadn't heard that, where is it?"

"Well it's in the Midlands of England, this strangest of strange cities - goes by the name of Notteatingham."

Whatcha think - stand-up comedian or stand up and get my coat?

COAT! NOW!

although i have one i made up...probably worse.....

what do ya call a dinosaur who wears baggy jeans goes on about his bitches and loves his bling????

A Velocarapper

**noby** · 29/01/2009, 12:34 PM

Taxi for two!

**strangeirish** · 29/01/2009, 1:26 PM

Firing squad! Did you ever wonder where jokes originate? Not here, obviously.

**2legged tackle** · 29/01/2009, 1:53 PM

Did ya hear there makin a fourth Back to the Future starring Barack OBama.
Guess what there callin it???

**pineapple stu** · 29/01/2009, 2:39 PM

Generally, you have to put the punchline in the post too, or everyone will wonder what you were smoking.

**Lev Yashin** · 29/01/2009, 2:51 PM

Originally Posted by 2legged tackle

Did ya hear there makin a fourth Back to the Future starring Barack OBama.
Guess what there callin it???

Back to the future 4?

**John83** · 29/01/2009, 4:06 PM

Originally Posted by shannonman

Back to the future 4?

Barack to the Future?

**pineapple stu** · 29/01/2009, 4:08 PM

Where'd you get the coconut?

Em, smiley, I mean - smiley?

**John83** · 29/01/2009, 4:22 PM

Right click on it, then select "copy image location". Paste it somewhere.

Teach a man to fish...

**Schumi** · 29/01/2009, 4:26 PM

Originally Posted by John83

Teach a man to fish...

http://www.iloiloriver.com/philippin...-shortage.html

**2legged tackle** · 29/01/2009, 4:30 PM

Originally Posted by John83

Barack to the Future?

I thought it was so obvious the punchline wasnt needed, anyway fairplay john.
Nice one for the effort stu.

**Schumi** · 29/01/2009, 5:39 PM

I thought you were aiming for a blaxploitation type title.

**noby** · 30/01/2009, 7:31 AM

I thought it was so bad you were embarrassed to type the punchline. Seems I was right.

**2legged tackle** · 30/01/2009, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by noby

I thought it was so bad you were embarrassed to type the punchline. Seems I was right.

Cant say you werent right. I'll make that the end of my postings.

**Magicme** · 11/02/2009, 8:37 AM

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerer’s Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".