Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[sligofan4ever]

I'm sure these have been posted up before but they never get old .

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

Yo momma so stupid she think Fleetwood Mac is a new burger at McDonalds.

Yo Momma so old when she went to school, there was no history class.

Yo momma so stupid, she tried to give a jellyfish brain damage for stinging her.

Yo momma so bald when she had a shower, she got brain-washed.

Yo momma so stupid that when the bartender told her drinks were on the house, she got a ladder.

Yo momma so small, she can sit on a matchbox and swing her legs.


[SIZE=4][COLOR=#400040][/COLOR][/SIZE]

[stann]

Oh my!
I hope they haven't been.


Two blokes sitting on a park bench.
One says to the other "It's nice out."
The other says "Yeah... I think I'll take mine out."

[Magicme]

Did you hear about the gay ghosts?? They kept putting the willies up each other!

[Magicme]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn,that the doctor saidhe only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said,'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make loveagain?' Carolyn agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eighthours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed andturned until he was down toonly four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only havefour hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....

...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

[strangeirish]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Eyes
Eyes who?
Eyes yo new president!

[paul_oshea]

class

[6yardpunisha]

Barack Obama's presidency is in doubt.....it appears the cork hurlers arent happy about it

[corkboy360]

[hula4]

gardai stopped 4 ku klux klan members in coolock this morning, they said the were going to kilbarrack!!

[oldyouth]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors: Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.


…………. So they buried Debbie.

[Magicme]

Another of my Mum's gems!

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If they want fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can' t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache .

11. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[paul_oshea]

Sing along at the opera, i think that would be rather difficult to do unless you were bilingual at least, whatever about not being able to sing. Either way its hillarious. Imagine the faces on those beside you bopping yer head clapping and singing along.

[anto1208]

I think a church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence.

[brendy_éire]

What's the capital of Iceland?
€4.50

[sligoman]

Strangeirish, an army captain, is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. During an inspection he notices a camel tied up outside the mens barracks. He asks a soldier why is it there, the soldier replies 'Well Sir, their are 250 men here and no women, sometimes the men get "urges". A month later, the Captain has "urges" of his own. He puts a ladder behind the camel, drops his pants and has sex with it. He asks the soldier 'Is that how the men do it?'

The soldier replies 'No, they usually ride it to the brothel'

[strangeirish]

...with Sligoman in the back there...

[Noelys Guitar]

Man walks into a bar and sees someone with an orange for a head having a drink.

Curiosity gets the better of him, so he goes up to him and says, "Sorry, mate, I don't mean to be rude but I can't help but notice you've got an orange for a head".

Other bloke says, "Ah, well, there's a story behind that".

"What happened?".

"Well, I bought this old ****ing lamp at a car boot sale, all beat up and dusty and that, and I get it home and think, "I'll probably be cleaning this up and a genie will come out". So I did, and what do you ****ing know, out comes this genie".

"And?".

"Well, he says to me, "For releasing me from that lamp, you have three wishes". Great I said, I've always wanted a million euro's. So there's a flash and next thing I know I'm surrounded by money".

"Carry on".

"Then I said, I've always wanted to shag Kylie Minogue. Another flash, and there's Kylie on a big ****ing waterbed, legs spread, beckoning me over with her finger".

"****ing hell. Then?"

"Then I said, "I've always wanted an orange for a head".

[OwlsFan]

...with Sligoman in the back there...

Are you sure that isn't he on the far left ?

[GalwayRed]

I have CDO its the same as OCD only ive arranged the letters in alphabetical order....as they should be

[gustavo]

Some Top Tips from Viz



Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat *******.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.