What's six inches long and wont be getting sucked on Valentines day?
Whitney Houstons crack pipe!
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
...
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!'
Apparently police have found a note from Whitney Houston. It's 38 seconds long and spans 5 octaves.Originally Posted by SkStu
DID YOU NOTICE A SIGN OUTSIDE MY HOUSE...?
Chuck Norris died earlier on today... but he's okay now.
DID YOU NOTICE A SIGN OUTSIDE MY HOUSE...?
Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes, the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You?
- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these f *cking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about f*ck knows what!
Why did the Tibetan monk set himself on fire?
To get to the other side.
I'll bet Rick Astley hate's lent.
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you,
I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish
I see Pippa Middleton has won the "Rear of The Year" competition.
I wish I could enter it
Long Live King Kenny
A golfer hits a sliced shot and the ball goes into the rough.
When he goes in looking for it, there is a leprechaun, on the ground beside his ball.
" l'm so sorry." The golfer said. " But that was my ball that hit you! "
" You got me fair and square! " Said the Leprechaun. " You can have three wishes."
The golfer replied," l don't want anything! l'm just glad that you are all right."
... As he walked away the Leprechaun thought to himself, " that fellow is a good one
l will give him the three wishes that l would like, Great golf, money and good sex."
One year later the same golfer hits another slice and the ball ends in the rough.
Up pops the little Leprechaun again. " That was me that caused the ball to go into
the rough, So.. Now tell me! Hows your golf? " " lt's great, l'm internationally famous now! " The little man nodded, " And how's your wealth? " The golfer laughed, " lt's
fantastic! l just reach into my pocket and out comes a £ 100 note that l didn't know l had! " The little man nodded again. " l fixed that for you as well! And your sex life! Hows that going? " The golfer blushed, " lt's not bad ." The little man said, " Not bad! l hope it's better than not bad! " The golfer blushed even more. " Well to be honest, it's once or maybe twice a week. " The Leprechaun looked shocked, " l don't
think that once or twice a week is good enough! l had hoped for more that that! "
The golfer said, " Well, you know...Once or even twice a week is not all that bad for a catholic priest in a very small parish!! "
Long Live King Kenny
Really jinxy? Really?
https://kesslereffect.bandcamp.com/album/kepler - New music. It's not that bad.
Well, jinxy, you certainly play a better short game than Trainee...
Hello, hello? What's going on? What's all this shouting, we'll have no trouble here!
- E Tattsyrup.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting. Nearly put me off my sandwich.
awh jesus christ i never read trainees lol
apologies
Long Live King Kenny
Need an answer..? Doogle it!
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
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