Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[noby]

Zookeeper tells Paddy that a gorilla is in heat and they need someone to have sex with her. He asks Paddy would he do the job for 500euro, Paddy says he will on three conditions:

1. He won't kiss it.
2. His family must never find out.
and 3. He'll need a few weeks to get the money together

Subtle, but crucial difference.

[paul_oshea]

ya i read it like that alright the second time, as it makes a huge difference alright, if you want to make it funny.

[noby]

...if you want to make it funny.

Always a bonus in a joke.

[sligoman]

Yeah, meant it like that noby, whoops!

[strangeirish]

The wife is 5 months pregnant. The couple goes to bed. The husband
wants to have sex. She says that the OBGYN told her no more sex until
after the baby is born. He than asks: So what did the Ear, Nose and
Throat specialist say?

[strangeirish]

A bus stops and Trappatoni and a mate get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In Ireland we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said Trappatoni. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[shedite]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid this morning

[anto1208]

I'm not sexist,ageist or racist....which is apity cos i had a bloody good joke about Tina Turner!

by Jerry Sadowitz
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What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?

Half price bacon!

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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb?

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Why don't Muslims drink alcohol?

It might give the ***** a sense of humour.

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I cant think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

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Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

[strangeirish]

Monica Lewinsky has decided to vote for Barack Obama, claiming the Clintons left a bad taste in her mouth.

[Torn-Ado]

Why was Helen Keller unable to drive?

She was a women.

[paul_oshea]

Why was Helen Keller unable to drive?

She was a women.

so of all the conditoins helen keller had, she was actually a paraniod schizophrenic?!

[Bluebeard]

so of all the conditoins helen keller had, she was actually a paraniod schizophrenic?!

[strangeirish]

Byrne and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Byrne said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.
Byrne said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Byrne said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[Rovers fan]

What does DNA stand for?

National dyslexics association

[Block G Raptor]

A Woman Goes To Her Doctor's Office, Afraid Of The Strange
Development On The Inside Of Her Upper Thighs ...
A Green Spot On The Inside Of Each Thigh
They Won't Wash Off, They Won't Scrape Off, And They Seem To Be
Getting Worse.
The Doctor Assures Her He'll Get To The Bottom Of The Problem, And
Tells Her Not To Worry Until The Tests Come Back.
A Few Days Later, The Woman's Phone Rings. Much To Her Relief, It's
The Doctor.
She Immediately Begs To Know What's Causing The Spots.
The Doctor Says, 'you're Perfectly Healthy----there's No Problem....
But I'm Just Wondering.... Is Your Boyfriend A Limerick-man'
The Woman Stammers, 'why, Yes, But How Did You Know?'

'tell Him His Earrings Aren't Real Gold.'

[Lev Yashin]

need advice???

A freind has offered me 8 legs of venison for 60 euro.....do you think its too dear?

[Pike B]

Guy wins big at the races and buys the Wife flowers. He walks in and shows them to her and she says 'I suppose you want me to spread my legs now', He says 'Why, haven't you got a vase?' (Junior Soprano)

[placid casual]

2 old folks meet in a retirement home and decide since they're not long for the world to get married.off they go to rome on a honeymoon.first night in the marital bed,the old bloke is lying in bed waiting for his slice,while then aul wan is getting undressed in front of him .
he says"i cant wait to get you into bed and give a good seeing to"
she says"I just want you to know,before we start,i have acute angina"
hes says"well i hope its better than them tit$"

[the sparks]

two weasels walk in to a bar,one weasel turns to the other and says i shagged your mother,no second weasel ignores him a few mins later he says it again,i shagged your mother the second weasel says will you shut up dad your drunk
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a man walks into a butchers and says to the butcher have you got pigs toes,the butcher says yes and the man says do you find em hard to walk on
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a couple have been married for 20 years but the wife is ****ed off becoz her husband has never had sex with her with the lights on no matter how much she wants to,so 1 nite while their doin it she quickly flicks on the lite and to her shock she sees her husband using a dildo on her,she is furous and says to him i cant believe for the last 20 years you have been doing that to me and thats why you wont make love with the light on ive never been so hurt in all my life so explain yourself and he says i will if you explain our 3 kids
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how do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach,its not hard

[anto1208]

What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.


i have c.d.o. its obsessive compulsive disorder only in alphabetical order like it should be


First, it was Shannon Matthews' step-dad's step-uncle who was arrested.

Then her step-dad. Then her step-dad's sister, and step-dad's mum.

Now Shannon's mother, Karen Matthews has been arrested.

It's good to see the police clamping down on ugly people.