Quote
Feck off, strangeirish, I know that one but worth the telling again. Had the shower and the kettle is boilin..........so...Originally Posted by strangeirish
When I first came over to the U.S. as a innocent young lad, myself and a couple of friends decided to go out on the town one night in Washington DC. After a good night hitting the local night spots and no joy with the totty, we stumbled across a place that had a red light in the window. Not sure what was in there, we decided one of us should go in and investigate. My first friend heads on in and returns a half hour later.
"Whats in there?" we asked. "Well," says he, " I met this girl in there and I gave her $20 and she got two pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked them off real slow"
My second friend couldn't wait and off he goes and returns an hour later. "Well?" we asked. "Listen, I met the same bird and gave her $40 and she got four pineapple rings and put them on me you know what. It was so nice and she licked the off real slow"
At this stage, I was beside meself, so off I went. Two hours later, out I come and the two lads can't wait to hear this one.
"What in Gods name did she do to ya?" "Well," says I, "I met the same bird and I gave her $100 and she got eight pineapple rings, whipped cream and a cherry, and put it on me you know what." " Go on" say the lads" "What next, what next, tell us now".
"Well," says I " It was so fcuking nice, I licked it off meself"
This story is weird and kinda surreal.
Main characters:
Knacky (pronounced Knee -ack -eee, with a nasal tone) B'sloe man
Bird
Knacky's moved to Galway and is feeling a bit lonesome so he decides to go to the dance. The Seapoint Ballroom in Salthill was the place to go to those days.
He puts on his best pants, complete with new twine to stop it from falling down and his least dirty overcoat.
In the ballroom, he notices an absolutely ravishing bird who is refusing every dance offer.
Over he goes and says to her: Dear Lady, it would be a great honour for me if you could accept my offer of a dance"
Bird: "At last, a true gentleman. Of course, I'd be delighted"
So off they twirl around the dancefloor for not one, but a RAKE of dances.
Knacky: "Would ya like a mineral?"
Bird: "Yes please, thank you so much"
They go to the mineral bar and Knacky orders one can of Fanta with two glasses and fills them up.
Dance ends and Knacky is still with her!!!
Knacky (holding out is hand) "Well, thanks very much and I'll say goodbye"
Bird: "You will not - you're such a true gentleman, you can leave me home"
Reluctantly, Knacky brings her outside and puts her on the bar of his bicycle.
Off up Lower Salthill they go and eventually arrive at her flat, just opposite Wards Hotel.
Knacky: "Well, goodnight, Miss"
Bird: "Such a gentlemen, I insist you come inside for a cup of coffee and no arguments"
Knacky, very reluctantly agrees after much persusion.
Kitchen, Bird puts kettle on and Knacky sits at table in a very uncomfortable state.
Bird produces two steaming hot cups of coffee.
After several minutes, she notices Knacky is not drinking.
Bird: "Why are you not drinking your coffee - is there something wrong?"
Knacky:"I can't tell you"
Bird:"Go on, if you have something on your mind, I'm a woman of the world and maybe I can advise you - and that's expensive coffee"
Knacky: "Well, as you might have noticed I have a speech problem"
Bird: "Nobody's perfect - your voice doesn't bother me"
Knack:"Well, it doesn't bother me either but........"
Bird: "But what?"
Knacky:"Ah, Jaysus, I can't tell ya"
Bird: "Look Knacky, drink your coffee and tell me what's the matter"
Knacky: "That's what's the matter"
Bird: "Come again?"
Knacky;" Well, y'see, my impediment is because I have a hole in the top of my mouth"
Bird: "So?"
Knacky: "When I drink anything, it goes through the hole, down my nose and back in to the cup again"
Bird: "God love you, but everyone need liquids, how do you manage?"
Knacky:"Oh Jayz, I can't tell you that"
Bird: "Look, nothing but nothing shocks me - how do you absord liquids?"
Knacky: "Through me ar$ehole"
Bird: "That wasn't hard to say, was it, but HOW do you take in liquids in such fashion?"
Knacky: Do you know those things people use when they run out of petrol, they pore the petrol through it from a can"
Bird:"You're luck is in, I just happen to have a brand new one in the cupboard"
Knacky: "No thanks, all the same"
Bird: "Knacky, that's rare coffee you have in front of you, you're drinking it. Now how do we manage this funnel thing?"
Knacky explains that he drops his trousers, sticks the funnel in and pours the liquid into it.
Bird: "Down with your pants, lie over the table"
Knacky does so and POP, she inserts said funnell in said orifice
Bird starts gently pouring coffee in....when...Knacky roars: "Ow.Ow, Oh Jesus"
Bird: "Oh Jesus, Knacky, is the coffee too hot?"
Knacky: "No, you fcuking eejit, you forgot to mix in the sugar"
There - a dirty joke and not a bit of sex involved.
The Old Man and the Punk
Bookmarks