Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Sligo Hornet]

Does any one know the one about the World's greatest lies?
I'll start the ball rolling:

1) The Cheque is in the post

2) College Till I Die

[2legged tackle]

Does any one know the one about the World's greatest lies?
I'll start the ball rolling:

1) The Cheque is in the post

3) I was going to, but i didn't get around to it.

[strangeirish]

3) I was going to, but i didn't get around to it.

4) We'll have a World class manager.
5) I'll pull out(Stephen Ireland...Ambiguity anyone?)

[2legged tackle]

Stan's gettin 800K for the next two years!

[Bluebeard]

Stan's gettin 800K for the next two years!

I almost reckon it's worth it to ensure he isn't picking the team. What kind of mug would appoint him in the first place.

[Green Tribe]

I almost reckon it's worth it to ensure he isn't picking the team. What kind of mug would appoint him in the first place.

check out the 2nd link on my sig

[Sligo Hornet]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a geologist.
Dave: - He ain't no geologist ! A geologist wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Dave: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er, mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a W****R!

[joeSoap]

Eddie O'Sullivan asked Graham Henry after Ireland failed to get into the Quarters... "Graham, What's the secret in selecting a great team?".


Pretty simple, replied Graham "I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one question".
"That simple?" said Eddie, "Yep", replied Graham, "pick one of my squad and see how he does".
Eddie thinks for a while then nominates Dan Carter. Graham calls him over & asks him,
"Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
"Ah simple, Graham", says Dan, "it's me". "Well done Dan", says Graham, & Eddie is very impressed.


Eddie returns to the Hotel & wonders about the intelligence of his team. He calls in Brian O'Driscoll and says to asks him "Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
Brian thinks & thinks & doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Eddie & I'll give you an answer tomorrow?".
"Of course", says Eddie, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer".
Brian goes away, thinks as hard as he can, & then he calls in his team mates.


Paul O'Connell thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
D'arcy was certain that it couldn't be anyone.
Peter Stringer refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Isaac Boss owned up to having already failed the test and that's why he had to come to play for Ireland.
Andrew Trimble thought it would be an Uncle in England who had been adopted as a child.
Ronan O'Gara went into the fetal position.
The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess.

20 hours later, Brian is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go.

Eventually, Brian thinks: I know, I'll ring Keith Wood; he's bloody smart, and will surely know the answer.
He phones Keith. "Keith, tell me, who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?
Very simple says Keith, "it's me".
Of course, says Brian and rings Eddie. "Eddie", I've got the answer: "it's Keith Wood".
"No, you idiot", says Eddie. "It's Dan Carter."

[Lev Yashin]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

This is my life...and im only 26.....wow...what a life i have in front of me!!!

[Bluebeard]

Eddie O'Sullivan asked Graham Henry after Ireland failed to get into the Quarters... "Graham, What's the secret in selecting a great team?".


Pretty simple, replied Graham "I picked my players for their intelligence and asked them just one question".
"That simple?" said Eddie, "Yep", replied Graham, "pick one of my squad and see how he does".
Eddie thinks for a while then nominates Dan Carter. Graham calls him over & asks him,
"Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
"Ah simple, Graham", says Dan, "it's me". "Well done Dan", says Graham, & Eddie is very impressed.


Eddie returns to the Hotel & wonders about the intelligence of his team. He calls in Brian O'Driscoll and says to asks him "Who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?"
Brian thinks & thinks & doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Eddie & I'll give you an answer tomorrow?".
"Of course", says Eddie, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer".
Brian goes away, thinks as hard as he can, & then he calls in his team mates.


Paul O'Connell thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
D'arcy was certain that it couldn't be anyone.
Peter Stringer refused to answer in case he was sacked for not knowing.
Isaac Boss owned up to having already failed the test and that's why he had to come to play for Ireland.
Andrew Trimble thought it would be an Uncle in England who had been adopted as a child.
Ronan O'Gara went into the fetal position.
The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess.

20 hours later, Brian is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go.

Eventually, Brian thinks: I know, I'll ring Keith Wood; he's bloody smart, and will surely know the answer.
He phones Keith. "Keith, tell me, who is the child of your Father & of your Mother who is not your Brother & is not your Sister?
Very simple says Keith, "it's me".
Of course, says Brian and rings Eddie. "Eddie", I've got the answer: "it's Keith Wood".
"No, you idiot", says Eddie. "It's Dan Carter."

[strangeirish]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms,
so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the
register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,
was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could
have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'

A few customers back was Sligoman. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a
live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the till
he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his trousers and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up
The Intercom and said...
















'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

[paul_oshea]

i dont know if i told this one before but here goes:


this fella who has had a few drinks and goes into Tesco to buy some more beer, as he is standing in the queue he notices this young woman with a basket full of food in front of him. As she starts to empty the contents of her basket onto the conveyor belt, he notices that she has half pint of milk, small loaf, half butter tub, 1 chicken curry ready meal for 1, 1 pasta meal for 1 and so on and so forth. The man then looks at her and says "you are single aren't you?!" , the woman slightly taken aback but at the same time shocked and suprised notices a slight smell of drink, she turns back round to the guy and says "how did you know that?"

He turns and looks at the shopping and then looks to her and says "Because your ugly!"

my jokes are definately the best, those long winded ones are crap.

[strangeirish]

my jokes are definately the best, those long winded ones are crap.

Change the channel ye grumpy looking Angelina Jolie wannabee......And, your jokes are shoite! Now,


A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.” Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”
“Rubbish,” says the girl.
“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”
The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”
“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”

[paul_oshea]

This fella walks into a bar and he says to the bar man, I could fcuk any girl in here, the bar man turns round to him and says, fancy yourself as a bit of a ladies man do ye, he goes "me, no, I'm a ...."

[CollegeTillIDie]

A list of the World's greatest lies

1) The Cheque is in the post

2) I was going to, but i didn't get around to it.

3) We'll have a World class manager.

4) I'll pull out(Stephen Ireland...Ambiguity anyone?)

5) My granny's dead

6) No not that one the other one

7) ''This won't hurt at all ,'' said the dentist

[Torn-Ado]

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One was the first person to walk on the moon and the other is a paedophile.

[strangeirish]

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb".
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence".
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb".The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'".
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid".
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence".
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid".
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says,
"Buckwheat, spell dictate".
Buckwheat stands and says, "dee-eye-see-tee-a-tee-e, dictate".
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence".
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I's may be dumb and I's may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

[paul_oshea]

Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

One was the first person to walk on the moon and the other is a paedophile.

class

[gustavo]

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful."

[Lev Yashin]

Why did Cmdr. Uhura leave star trek???


Cause William Shatner