Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**2legged tackle** · 09/10/2007, 4:01 PM

If a fat bird falls in the woods would the trees laugh ????

**First** · 10/10/2007, 12:58 PM

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for Ireland but I was just too embarrassed to say."

**anto1208** · 10/10/2007, 2:39 PM

was asked to run a marathon and I said no chance.
Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids and I thought "**** it. I could win that!"

**paul_oshea** · 15/10/2007, 10:38 AM

what did gary glitter say to michael jackson?!

Ill give ye 10 for two 5's

**2legged tackle** · 15/10/2007, 12:30 PM

Kerryman #1 standin in a field moving his arms as if hes paddleing a conoe, As he continues paddlein faster and faster in his imaginery canoe, another kerryman passes.
Kerryman#2: Your de type of f**kin idiot that gives the rest of us Kerrymen the bad name of being stupid.
Kerryman#1: Your lucky i cant swim or i'd go over there and box your head in.

**2legged tackle** · 15/10/2007, 2:42 PM

Tallaght Girl goes into a dry cleaners and hands in a dress, when leaving she says:I'll be to collect it on wednesday roigh.
Dry Cleaner: Come again?
Tallaght girl: No its mayonaise this time.

**anto1208** · 17/10/2007, 1:07 PM

I asked a gym instructor if she could teach me to do the splits.
She said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can't make tuesdays"

A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!'

A guy walks into a bar and buys a pint.
A bowl of peanuts at the bar start to tell him how good looking he is and how much they think he will get the ladies tonight.
Confused he walks over to the fruit machine to have a few games.
The fruit machine tells him it f****d his mother last nite and that she was s**t.
Even more confused he walks back to the bar and asks the barman what is going on.
The barman says"well the nuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is just out of order"

**sligoman** · 18/10/2007, 12:29 AM

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Most people can chop beef but not many can pea soup

.

**strangeirish** · 18/10/2007, 12:38 AM

A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."

**smellyfeet** · 18/10/2007, 9:02 AM

Originally Posted by strangeirish

A heavily pregnant skanger girl phones the maternity hospital, obviously in some state of agitation:
"Nurse, nurse, I think me waters have broken."
Nurse: "OK, love stay calm love. Where are ye ringing from?"
Girl: "Oh, from me gee to me knees."

Classics

**smellyfeet** · 19/10/2007, 9:55 AM

I rear-ended a car this morning, on the way to work .....
I had a feeling it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, with an angry look on him, and I
thought, here we go -
And he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"
I said,
"well which f**ing one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started. ...

**strangeirish** · 19/10/2007, 5:16 PM

Top 12 Country Songs

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

7. I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's like You're Still Here

4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him

2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger

AND THE NUMBER ONE COUNTRY SONG IS: I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

**gustavo** · 19/10/2007, 7:37 PM

what about
I Cant Get Over You Till You Get Out From Under Me?

**strangeirish** · 20/10/2007, 9:20 PM

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in Miami Florida. Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: " . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: ".....What??"

RS: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I... don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!.Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodderon the side."

RS: "Wad?!?"

G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh
and copy... rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tanjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome

**jebus** · 21/10/2007, 4:51 PM

There's a group in Facebook after being set up called 'If We Get 10,000 Members We'll Give Maddy Back'

Genuinely think that's funny, they're getting dogs abuse over there though

**paul_oshea** · 21/10/2007, 7:51 PM

whats red and white and goes beep beep, beep beep , beep beep?

The England open top bus reversing back into the garage.

**strangeirish** · 21/10/2007, 9:39 PM

Originally Posted by paul_oshea

whats red and white and goes beep beep, beep beep , beep beep?
The England open top bus reversing back into the garage.

Oh, I thought it was Green Tribe backing up!

*Goes back to hiding in the tall grass*

**BohsPartisan** · 21/10/2007, 10:15 PM

Originally Posted by jebus

There's a group in Facebook after being set up called 'If We Get 10,000 Members We'll Give Maddy Back'

Genuinely think that's funny, they're getting dogs abuse over there though

Link?