Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

**strangeirish** · 14/05/2012, 1:02 PM

Greek Immigration Officer - "Name please ?"

- "Angela Merkel"

Greek Immigration Officer - "Occupation ?"

- "No, just here for a few days."

**bluemovie** · 16/05/2012, 10:06 AM

Robbie Keane said he was delighted to meet President Obama in the White House. He's supported him since he was a boy.

**SkStu** · 17/05/2012, 10:11 PM

**Mr A** · 17/05/2012, 10:14 PM

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right flipping idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

**nigel-harps1954** · 20/05/2012, 6:45 PM

**nigel-harps1954** · 21/05/2012, 1:48 PM

I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches & hoes.

**jinxy lilywhite** · 21/05/2012, 10:32 PM

I met my girlfriend speed dating
we both had a lot of explaining to do

**SkStu** · 21/05/2012, 10:44 PM

**Lev Yashin** · 31/05/2012, 2:41 PM

Saw a fella carrying a ladder the other day...you should have seen what he got up too.

**jinxy lilywhite** · 24/07/2012, 10:40 PM

Definition of Pressure:
a wife
a mistress
and a mortgage

all one month late

**jinxy lilywhite** · 25/07/2012, 7:49 PM

For a laugh with a few mates Chuck Norris peed into the petrol tank of a lorry. The lorry became known after that day Optimus Prime

**Real ale Madrid** · 25/07/2012, 8:43 PM

Man walks into a fishmongers with a large Salmon under his arm.

"Do you do fishcakes?" - ask's the man.

"We do yeah?" - replies the fishmonger.

"Well can you do one for this fella - he's 2 today".

**strangeirish** · 02/08/2012, 6:14 PM

The young Chinese swimming ace,Ye Shiwen, was asked if the she'd take a gender test following her two gold medals at the Olympics. "I will in me ballix", she replied!

**SkStu** · 03/08/2012, 2:14 AM

**jinxy lilywhite** · 18/08/2012, 2:35 PM

after seeing a photgraph of RVP and his wife, Ryan Giggs has vowed to treat him like a brother

**osarusan** · 19/08/2012, 1:41 PM

**SkStu** · 21/08/2012, 3:20 PM

Top Ten from Edinburgh Fringe ....

1) "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." – Stewart Francis

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

3) "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." – Will Marsh

4) "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." – Rob Beckett

5) "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don't know Y." – Chris Turner

6) "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." – Tim Vine

7) "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." – George Ryegold

8 ) "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" – Stewart Francis

9) "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." – Lou Sanders

10) "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn't fancy her chances." – Nish Kumar