From the letters page of todays Irish Examiner.
What's the difference between a pothole in Ireland and a cigarette?
A cigarette has more tar in it.
"Garlic bread - it’s the future, I’ve tasted it."
Brian Potter - Phoenix Nights
Terry : 'What a ****e couple of years. Lost loads in the bookies, lost a scrap in a nightclub, Mum's a thief, Dad's a druggy and I missed the decisive penalty in the Champions League final'
Bridge : ' Hey, count yourself lucky mate.....I've just found out my missus has got Aids
Forget about the performance or entertainment. It's only the result that matters.
I heard Eamon Lillis stood up in court to make his case and said "I misunderstood my wife when she said she wanted a decking in the back garden"......
Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.
They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.
I've decided to kill my wife and make it look like an accident.
Bought her a new Toyota.
Can't wait for the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie
Toyota Recall.
When are Toyota going to take responsibility for the accelerator problem?
Think someone needs to put their foot down.
John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.
Last edited by dahamsta; 10/02/2010 at 5:37 PM.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
Why did Lieutenant Uhura leave star trek??? Cause William Shatner!!!
I know its Probably been posted before but its a classic!!!
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
I fully understand what the Haitians are going through. When I've had ten Aftershocks, I have trouble finding my house too.
Extratime.ie
Yo te quiero, mi querida. Sin tus besos, yo soy nada.
Abri o portão de ouro, da maquina do tempo.
Mi mamá me hizo guapo, listo y antimadridista.
just broke up woth my haitian girlfriend
she was crushed,
scientist have discovered a new drug for lesbians, its called trycoxagain,
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Funny that, a lesbian scientist friend of mine was saying that it isn't as effective as something called Di-xarmofunOriginally Posted by don ramo
scientist have discovered a new drug for lesbians, its called trycoxagain,
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
Perhaps I'm getting old, but despite the fact that I haven't paid that much attention to Haiti, I still don't find those jokes funny.
Probably says something about me too that it took me a couple of goes to get it as I can't say that word in my head without pronouncing the 'x' as it should be, as a 'z'.
more bass
Indeed.Probably says something about me too that it took me a couple of goes to get it as I can't say that word in my head without pronouncing the 'x' as it should be, as a 'z'.
Simply placing the hyphen at the other side of the 'x' would have sorted that out. Shoddy really.
Bluebeard is slipping.
Placing the hyphen after would have made it sound more like "dicks" than "dykes" which was what I was aiming for - I was hoping that the ellision on the x (planned for the "z" style sound) would have carried it. Retrospectively speaking, spelling it "Di-gusarmofun" may have had that effect but I fear it would have lost its more clinical impression on a visual level. I am glad that I achieved the aim of having people have to pronounce it a few times to get it thoguh, as that is the classic thing with medicines, one has difficulty "naming" it until said aloud on a couple of occasions.
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
Chaos reigns at the Vancover Olympics. Following the Luge accident and subsequent death, the Irish Bobsleigh team are refusing to compete unless the course is gritted.
What do you call nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on the wall?
Wallnuts
What do you call nuts on your chin?
Deep Throat.
From the county where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-Suir Ireland.
Recently a routine Garda patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening
the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on,
then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
I checked into a hotel in Bulgaria last week and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded s*xy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!
Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
Whats the difference between the Irish Government and the Mafia? One of them is organised...........
What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong
What do you call a Chinese woman with an opinion?
Wong.
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
What cheese can be used to hide a horse?
Maskapony
A guy goes to the Civil Service to apply for a job in the Dept of
Agriculture.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the Public Service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army" he says, "I was in Chad for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at
10:00 A.M. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.? I'm Not
looking for any special favours"
"What you have to understand is that this is a civil service job," the
interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around
drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."
Last edited by the 12 th man; 06/04/2010 at 4:52 PM.
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