QuoteLads, quit it. It's not right. It's starting to really tee me off.Originally Posted by strangeirish
I always thought Tiger was a good driver myself.
Lads, quit it. It's not right. It's starting to really tee me off.
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
Looks like he may have played another birdie.
'Fascists dress in black and go round telling people what to do, where as priests.....'
Did he Ryder?
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
You're all so good with the puns...I'm green with envy.
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Will have to keep the "Fairway To Heaven" headline on hold
Your puns are putting us in our place.
'Fascists dress in black and go round telling people what to do, where as priests.....'
How do you know Santa Claus was a insert racial stereotype here??
Cause he only works one day a year and breaks into houses
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
A man from Sligo was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got
into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every
evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery
red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect
night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the
sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took
his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Susan Boyle.
That evening, the man brought Susan to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
- perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Susan
and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Susan batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for
him.
He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
NORTH SIDE DUBLIN LEAVING CERT *(includes vast areas of South Dublin not on the Dort Line)
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NICK.NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GANG NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for EUR300 and 90 grams to Tomo for EUR90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Anto pimps 3 brassers. If the price is 40 Euro a royid, how many royids per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?
3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for EUR7,000 to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?
4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got EUR350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends EUR33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22m2 and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?
6. Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun,
how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?
SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT* (includes Clontorf, Malahoid and Hewth)
MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN
NAME
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
______
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
______
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
______
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
______
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________ (if longer, please continue on a separate sheet)
SCHOOL :
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_____
DADDY'S COMPANY :
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
__________________
1. Julian smashes up the old man's cor, causing x amount of damage and killing, loike, three people? The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system,
then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of cor is Julian driving now?
2. Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own‐.brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to
Fiji and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference. Is she, like, thick or what?
3. Roly fancies the orse off a certain number of torts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious.
If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever, like, going to shag the other two‐.thirds and s**?
4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana..
How much does liposuction cost?
5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners, however he only has access to the Hoover every third week.
When does his Sunday Independent column start?
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?
Santa only has 3 ho's.
Cop: "So Elin, how many times did you hit him?"
Elin: "I can't remember, but you can put me down for a five".
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
A bloke picks up his phone and calls his doctor:
Man: The medication you gave me last week doctor, has made me incontinent
Doctor: Where are you ringing from?
Man: From the waist down mainly.
#NeverStopNotGivingUp
[FONT=Courier New]You all know little Johnny!* It's near the Christmas break of the[/FONT]
school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really
nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides
to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these b*tches would
Just keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine. They are such *******s.
What did the scottish epileptic kid get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
the little feckers
Somebody might be able to help me here but i first heard this joke on Killinaskully when Pa delivered it. Then i heard it at work yesterday and i still don't get it?
So here it is.
Why do the dogs always bark when the doorbell rings?
Cos they think its for them?
Can anybody explain this?
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks