Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Green Tribe]

Prob heard this but it's a cracker!

How do we know Jesus was Irish?

Because he was still living at home at the age of 30, he thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the Son of God..... Taxi!!!!!

[aido_b]

Right a couple of one liners then im outta here!

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back aga

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

[hamish]

Three Redneck women in a bar.
First one, Mary Jane, says: What do you call your old man, Irene?
Irene: "I calls him Big Dick"
Mary Jane: Why?
Irene: 'Cos he got a Big Dick"
Irene: What you call yo man, Britney?"
Britney: "I calls him Long John"
Irene: "Why?"
Britney: "'Cos he got a long john"
Britney:"What you call yo man, Mary Jane?"
Mary Jane: "Beaujolais"
Britney: "Aint that some kinda fancy liqour?"
Mary Jane: "That's ma man".

[Green Tribe]

Large manufacturers and supermarkets are starting to produce their own brand of condoms and have subsequently adapted their advertising slogans.........

Condoms by........

Sainsburys - Making life taste better

Tesco - Every little helps

Ronseal - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Nike - Just do it

Coca-Cola - The Real Thing

M & M's - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Polo - The one with the hole

Burger King - Have it your way/You're the boss

Kfc - Finger licking good

L'Oreal - Because I'm worth it.

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in

[hamish]

Pure filth.

[Dawn_Run]

Large manufacturers and supermarkets are starting to produce their own brand of condoms and have subsequently adapted their advertising slogans.........

Condoms by........

Sainsburys - Making life taste better

Tesco - Every little helps

Ronseal - Does exactly what it says on the tin

Nike - Just do it

Coca-Cola - The Real Thing

M & M's - Melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Polo - The one with the hole

Burger King - Have it your way/You're the boss

Kfc - Finger licking good

L'Oreal - Because I'm worth it.

Radio Times - If it's on, it's in

Pepsi - the taste of a new generation

Nokia - connecting people

[fosterdollar]

Microsoft - Where do you want to go today?

VW - Think small

Braniff Airlines - When you got it, flaunt it

Forbes - Capitalist Tool

Shell - You can be sure of Shell

Access - You're flexible friend

AT&T - reach out and touch someone

Lay's - Betcha can't eat just one

Smarties - WotAlotIgot

...

It's Miller time!!!

Got Milk?

[padjoe]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.

What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."

[padjoe]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week
>so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
>There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each
week
>and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
>understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
> "Look, it's not the same hat!"
> or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
>or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
>
>The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
>the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
>unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician
>luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the
>sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
>
>They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.
>This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally
on
>the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......
>
>"OK, I give up. Where's the Fliping ship?"

[padjoe]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the ther possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have one less
letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

AND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD

[padjoe]

Q. Whats the biggest Drawback of the jungle?
A. An elephants foreskin...

[carrickharp]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard confronts him and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[hamish]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the ther possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the First year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and komputer keyboards kan have one less
letter.

In the Sekond year there will be growing publik enthusiasm, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the Third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should be dropd.

By the Fourth year, people will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After ze fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sesibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

AND ZEN VE VIL TAKE OVER ZE VORLD

LOL

[TheOwl]

What's pink and hard???





...Maths Paper II

[strangeirish]

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall
and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray
and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane in a very
slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from
CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****in wall."

[KeCelt]

I`ve been married to my wife for 20 yrs & I still worship the ground she`s going into.



Two lads in a pub: My wifes a little angel.
Lucky b@sard, mines still alive.

[hamish]

Bill and Hilary Clinton moved house to a new area and Bill soon got into the habit of taking his daily jog in a beautiful, nearby park.
However, each day, on each jog, whenever he approached a certain bend on the track, a hooker would jump out and shout "50 bucks".
Bill would reply, "5 bucks" and run on.
This happened every day.
One day, Hilary decided to join him on the jog.
Bill was very apprehensive approaching that bend and, sure enough, saw the hooker.
As the pair reached the bend, Hooker shouts "Now, look what ya get for 5 bucks!"


Rufus and Cleetus, two good ol' rednecks, were drinking a few beers in front of Rufus's trailer.
Rufus said, "Cleetus, if I went over to your trailer, screwed your wife and made her pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Cleetus, "Dunno, but it would make us even".

[strangeirish]

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

[hamish]

The Christmas Parrot

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.
He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

LOL Nice one strangeirish.....do you get emails from Tiggy's Rib Ticklers/Funlol/Funthumbmissy etc ?......they're joke sites with funny videos, jokes etc and I get an email from each of them every day........there's a similar joke to yours on one I read today but not near as good. It's called Kermit Jagger and I'm trying to remember it just now.

[hamish]

Think I recall it now - shouldn't have deleted it so here goes.

Frog goes in to a bank and is directed to a lady called Ms. Pattie Whack.
He says to her, "I want a $30,000 loan".
Ms. Whack says, "Have you got collateral?"
Frog produces a tiny porcelain elephant and says, "Here's my collateral and just tell your manager that Mick Jagger is my father and there should be no problem".
Ms. Whack goes to her manager and says, "There's a frog at the counter and he wants a $30,000 loan, all he's got is this little elephant for collateral and he also says that Mick Jagger's his dad".
The manager says,
"It's a knick knack, Pattie Whack
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone".

Getting coat........