QuoteQ: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Irish Republic football team?
A: O.J. Simpson had a more credible defence.
The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.
So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?"
Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and the Irish Republic football team?
A: O.J. Simpson had a more credible defence.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
Originally Posted by Deckydee
Anyone ever told you, you look a little like Steve Austin??
Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg
Knorr have released a special edition black & white striped Oxo cube to celebrate the Newcastle United's Premier League season.
It's called the Laughing Stock.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist thinks it will change; the realist adjusts the sails.
BREAKING TRANSFER NEWS - Manchester City have sold Shaun Wright-Phillips to Madonna
"Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi". - Ian Holloway
A guy goes to see the doctor and says "You've gotta help me doc, I keep thinking I'm a can of deodorant" The doctor asks "Are you sure?" The guy replies "No,I'm Lynx"
'Fascists dress in black and go round telling people what to do, where as priests.....'
Just read the first post and surely it should be humour is subjective. I know I am a smart arse.
In Trap we trust
Objectively you're right, but subjectively Dahamsta is the admin.
Button badly injured in horrific F1 crash.
Two good ones from TodayFM yesterday.......
Man goes to meet a miracle worker who has been healing people all over the spot. Miracle worker asks what he need help with. The man replies "my hearing". So he healer puts one hand in each ear, rubs around a bit, massages, says a few prayers, and asks if it worked. Man replies, "Don't know, the hearing's not till next Wednesday"
Also, man spots a one handed lady walking down the street with a lightbulb. Man asks what she's up to and the lady replies she's going to change a lightbulb. "Won't that be difficult". "Nah, I have the reciept here"
The glass isn't half full or half empty it's just too damn big!
It was once said that a black man would be president of the US "when pigs fly" and indeed 100 days into Obama's presidency... Swine Flu.
Coat, hat, Taxi!
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
So they found a cure for swine flu.....Oinkment!!!
Taxi!
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and
shouted at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz
chord!".
Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in
Stevie's varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz
melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man
jumped up again and shouted "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz
chord".
Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the
place apart.
The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise. The little old man jumped up again. "No, no, NO. Play a Jazz
chord, a jazz chord!!".
Well and truly ****ed off that this little bloke didn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage "OK
smart ass, you get up here and do it!"
The little old Japanese man climbed nervously onto the stage, took
hold of the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing....
" A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo..."
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
ya i like it!!!Stevie Wonder was playing his first ever gig in Tokyo and the venue was
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new
audience he asked if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumped out of his seat in the first row and
shouted at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz
chord!".
Amazed that the little oriental man knew about the jazz influences in
Stevie's varied career, the blind virtuoso went into a difficult jazz
melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finished the whole place went wild - but the little old man
jumped up again and shouted "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz
chord".
Slightly annoyed, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dived
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band and really tore the
place apart.
The crowd went wild with this impromptu show of his technical
expertise. The little old man jumped up again. "No, no, NO. Play a Jazz
chord, a jazz chord!!".
Well and truly ****ed off that this little bloke didn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability, Stevie said to him from the stage "OK
smart ass, you get up here and do it!"
The little old Japanese man climbed nervously onto the stage, took
hold of the mike, faced the huge audience and started to sing....
" A jazz chord to say a ruv yoo..."
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team.
He's going to be their bow selector
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
First celebrity swine flu death...
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
My doctor wants to freeze me to minus 273 celsius my girlfriend is worried but i think ill be 0K
My Goal Is To Deny Yours...
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Very good!
more bass
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