Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[BillytheFin]

What does D.N.A stand for.............

National Dyslexic Association.

[stann]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

[Mr A]

Why wouldn't the dyslexic prude go see the movie "Dune"?

He thought it would be full of nudity.

[Mr A]

Did you hear about the dyslexic armed robber?

He walked into a bank carrying a gnu.

[Mr A]

Didja hear about the dyslexic on the Atkins' Diet Plan?
He couldn't lose any weight even though he stopped eating crabs!

[strangeirish]

1. Schizophrenia---Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder---We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder---Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? I can see Russia from my home.

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder--- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let it.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of knickers. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
To which he replies, "Oh, They're Carol's."

[BillytheFin]

What did the Banana say to the Vibrat** ?

I don't know what you are shaking for, shes going to eat me!

Happy Christmas all.

[Lev Yashin]

three pieces of string walk into the bar and the first one ask's for a pint but the bar mans says we dont serve string get out.....the second one decide's he'll chance it...he walks up but gets the same responce as the first string...the third string seeing this goes outside ties himself into a knot and ruffles up his hair...he walks in askes for a pint and the barman says "are you a piece of string?" to which he reply's NO! i'm afaid not....

[oscar]

my god

[Jock MIB]

Jake was dying, his wife Becky was by at Bedside. "Becky" he said in a tired voice "There's something i must confess"
"SHHH" thers nothing to confess Everythings all right"
"No Becky i must die in peace, I had sex with your Sister,Your best Friend, Her Best Friend and your Mother"
"I know" whispered Becky
"Thats why i poisoned you , you B**t**d"

[paul_oshea]

did you hear about the dirty egg?

he got arrested for getting his yoke out all over the place.

[hunt4the]

the road from Ireland to Sunderland.

last call for ryanair flight FR322 Cork to Sunderland

[Lev Yashin]

this is bad and i APOLOGISE......Doctors have released Jett Travoltas cause of death. Apparently he had a Saturday night fever, which prevented him from, ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive.

[Heliodorus]

There are two women sitting in the living room of one of their houses, chatting away, when the lady of the house happens to look out of the window. “Oh God…” she says, annoyed, “Here comes my husband with a big bunch of flowers”
“But… but… that’s very romantic, don’t you think?” Says her friend.
“Romantic?! Ha!” Says the woman “Romantic? It just means I’m going to have to lie on my back all night with my legs wide open!”
“Oh I see.” Says her friend. “Haven’t you got a vase?”

[Den Perry]

two blondes walking home after club one night. One says "Debbie, which do you think is nearer, London or the Moon"

Debbie replies:"Helllooooooo can you see London?

[Den Perry]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effective and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?", "It's Paul", Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia""Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FBI MOTHER F*CKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

[oscar]

[pineapple stu]

Something to offend everybody...


A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.

Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.....

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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?

Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.

'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

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Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!

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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

[Lev Yashin]

so we have a black president of America...the best golfer in the world is black...the F1 champion is black...Will Smith is one of the highest paid actors in hollywood and he is black...basically its a good time to be black....you cant help but feel sorry for Michael Jackson.

[L37Ultra]

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!