Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[hamish]

Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Jesus, strangeirish, I came across that joke only last night on one of the joke sites I get emailed to me each day. You must be telepathic!!!

[strangeirish]

Jesus, strangeirish, I came across that joke only last night on one of the joke sites I get emailed to me each day. You must be telepathic!!!

I keep getting these from my mother via E-mail from Australia. I need to put her in my spam folder!!!!!!!!

[hamish]

I keep getting these from my mother via E-mail from Australia. I need to put her in my spam folder!!!!!!!!

Hope she doesn't see that comment. If she does, it's trousers round the ankles and the strap for you, you pup.

[strangeirish]

Hope she doesn't see that comment. If she does, it's trousers round the ankles and the strap for you, you pup.

Yea, I can see it now, pulling me by the ear to the back yard yelling "Ya little scut ya, yer father won't recognise by the time I'm done with ya" Mad women in her day!!!!!!

[hamish]

Yea, I can see it now, pulling me by the ear to the back yard yelling "Ya little scut ya, yer father won't recognise by the time I'm done with ya" Mad women in her day!!!!!!

Dead right too!!!

I remember, it was donkey's years ago, my mum chasing me for misbehaving. I scuttled up a tree and stayed there until she cooled down. Seemed like weeks I was up there.
Still went to bed with a sore ass.
Can laugh about it now.

Worst time though was when I let off a ripper of a fart and my sister came from her bedroom with an iron poker and fairly whacked me despite my best efforts to make myself small under the covers. I was fcuking black and blue with bruises the next morning.

My sister, how she hated/hates farts!!!

[strangeirish]

Dead right too!!!

I remember, it was donkey's years ago, my mum chasing me for misbehaving. I scuttled up a tree and stayed there until she cooled down. Seemed like weeks I was up there.
Still went to bed with a sore ass.
Can laugh about it now. D

I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol"

[hamish]

I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol"

strangeirish legend

Here's a dry one and not PC.

Black bloke and a honky were arguing whether God was black or white.
Both went to Jerusalem.
Black guy shouts out: "God, is you black or white?"
Honky shouts out: "God, are you black or white?"
Earth trembles, lightening and thunder etc.
Voice booms out from on high.
"Ah is what ah is".

[Fair_play_boy]

I remember me granny chasing me with a tool from the fireplace. Can't remember what I had done, but she couldn't catch me after chasing me half way around the farm. So she sets her dog after me, who the week before had drank a half a gallon of petrol! Anyway, as I was running as hard as I still could, I turned around and saw the fceker on his back with all fours up in the air. My grandmother was in bits and called to the neighbour for help. He came over and looked at the dog and said "Oh dear God". "What is it?" screams me granny. "Was it heart failure?"
"No" says the neighbour, "he ran out of petrol"

Classic!
Fugging Classic!!

[aido_b]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[hamish]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

aido b - top marks.

[hamish]

Bloke sitting at a bar drinking a Martini..

Stunning blonde walks in and sits beside him. She orders an orange juice.

Blonde turns to bloke and says : "My gynecologist has just told me I'm pregnant so I'm celebrating"

Bloke: "Congratulations, I'm celebrating too"

Blonde: "How is that?"
Bloke: "I'm a chicken farmer, for months my hens were infertile but this morning I discovered that they aren't anymore"

Blonde: "How did that happen?"
Bloke: "I changed cocks"

Blonde: "What a coincidence, so did I"

[steven17]

a man walks into a pub and calls 3 pints of guinness...the man does this everynite for 2 years,the man would call the 3 pints per call and down everyone.so the barman gets to ask him "come ere whats the story with the 3 pints per round like"!?.

so the man replys " i have a brother in america and a brother in austrailia,and everynite we used go for a few pints and that was the call."right says the barman,just wondering.

so one day he walks in and orders only 2,not wanting to seem noisy the barman just pours the two pints and says nothing,until the third round.
"look" said the barman."i dont wanna seem like im intruding but for the last 2 years its been the 3 pints per round 4 u and the 2 brothers of yours,hassomthing happened to one of them?
"no no no! says the man everythings fine,im just on the dry.!

thank u thank u.

[hamish]

a man walks into a pub and calls 3 pints of guinness...the man does this everynite for 2 years,the man would call the 3 pints per call and down everyone.so the barman gets to ask him "come ere whats the story with the 3 pints per round like"!?.

so the man replys " i have a brother in america and a brother in austrailia,and everynite we used go for a few pints and that was the call."right says the barman,just wondering.

so one day he walks in and orders only 2,not wanting to seem noisy the barman just pours the two pints and says nothing,until the third round.
"look" said the barman."i dont wanna seem like im intruding but for the last 2 years its been the 3 pints per round 4 u and the 2 brothers of yours,hassomthing happened to one of them?
"no no no! says the man everythings fine,im just on the dry.!

thank u thank u.

Boom Boom

[hamish]

This one is for Trekkies.

Why is Lieutenant Uhura Brown??

William Shatner.

[steven17]

a german is driving threw mahon,lost he stops the car and asks a local
"sorry iz zer a B&Q in mahon,?
the local stares blank at him for about 5 mins and says" jes i duno boss but theres 2 d`s in DunDalk.

as a great man once said "boom boom"

[strangeirish]

This one is for Trekkies.

Why is Lieutenant Uhura Brown??

William Shatner.

How do catch a unique woman?
Unique up on her!!!!!!!!!!!


Taxi...........

[hamish]

How do catch a unique woman?
Unique up on her!!!!!!!!!!!


Taxi...........

Strangeirish strikes again with another goodie

I've been thinking about posting the following for a while 'cos it's very gross but fcuk it, here goes. (It was told to a bunch of us by a part time magician called Paul Tuohy in the Cellar Bar in Galway in the 70s - he had string of similar jokes which had the entire bar pi$$ing itelf laughing)

There was a fellow called Paddy Mulhearn back in the old days who had a fierce interest in the news of the day, not only local but worldwide.
He says to himself: "Well, I've shook hands with dem all - de Valera. Lemass, de Pope but der's one fellow I'd truly love ta meet"
His friend asked him who.
"He's a Mexican fellow called Pedro Rodrigues but he's better known as Pancho dee Bandido"
So, anyway, Paddy decided that he'll save up the bobs and travel to Mexico to meet him and off he goes.
He arrives in Mexico city and decides that he'd have a better chance meeting Pancho if he leaves the city and heads out to the countryside.
After several enquiries, he books a bus trip to a forested area where the bandit is supposed to hang out.
The bus drops him off at a junction and the driver tells him to carry on up an old dirt road nearby.
He tramps up this dirt road for about an hour and eventually spots a peasant riding a mule and coming in his direction.
"Erra boy, I'm lookin' for Pancho dee Bandido - you wouldn't know him by any chance?"
The peasant replies: "Senior, you ask ME if I know Pancho dee Bandido?"
(He had perfect English by the way )
Peasant: "Only this morning, senor, I was travelling on dees very track on my mule. I meet a beeg hombre on a beeg white horse and he say 'Make way for Pancho dee Bandido'
I say, No. senor Pancho, I weel not.
He say: "If you no make way for Pancho dee Bandido, you are in beeeg trouble'
I say NO again, senor.
Then, senor Paddy, Pancho bring out a beeeeg gun and point it at me.
He say: 'Get down off your mule"
I get down off my mule
He say; 'Drop your pants'
I drop my pants
He say: Makea dee bid $h!te on the ground'
I makea dee big $h!te on the ground
He say; 'Now, eat it'
Senior, I am terrified and I eat it.
'Always make way for Panco dee Bandido', he say
But, senor Paddy, as Pancho rose to get back on his horse, he slipped and fell, dropping his gun on dee ground and I grabbed dee gun and said:
Pancho dee Bandido, Drop your pants!
He say, 'No'
I say: Drop your pants or I will shoota you
He say: 'Si'
I say: Now, Pancho, makea dee $h!te on dee ground
He makea dee $h!te on dee ground.
I say: Now Pancho, eat it
He eat it

And Senor Paddy, you ask me if I know Pancho dee Bandido?

We have lunch together!!!


Here's another one before I get banned:

Pirate captain: Arrrrrrrrrrrrr, there be buggery aboard this ship.
There be taste o' $hit o' the first mates pr!ck.

[strangeirish]

Pancho dee sirhamish...classic one!.............

[hamish]

Pancho dee sirhamish...classic one!.............

Thanks senor strangeirish. I've another Knacky one in similar vein. I'm gonna have a shower now and a bite to eat and I'll post it later.

Make sure you've eaten long before you read it!!!!

Keep de good jokes comin'