QuoteThe Americans have George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder. We have Brian Cowan, no cash, no hope, and no effing wonder...
Bill Bailey was Axl Rose's real name. Ahhhhhh!!! So it's funny AND clever!
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The Americans have George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Stevie Wonder. We have Brian Cowan, no cash, no hope, and no effing wonder...
Little Johnny is passing his parent's bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks screwing. Before his dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" His dad, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
I went to the ATM this morning and it said "insufficient funds".
I'm wondering is it them or me.
Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?
Last edited by anto1208; 09/10/2008 at 3:21 PM.
I think he must have forgot he suffered from insomnia rather than amnesia!Originally Posted by joey4ireland
#NeverStopNotGivingUp
I was just wondering why he needed to have amnesia !!
I did know, but can't remember now
Tact is for people who are not witty enough to be sarcastic
Try it this way -
Have you heard about the Dyslexic, Agnostic, Insomniac ?
He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.
Out for a spell, got neglected, lay on the bench unselected.
Probably now time to trot out this hoary old chestnut:
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Tu-dum-tishhhhh!
Last edited by stann; 14/10/2008 at 7:14 PM.
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I met this really kinky girl last night. 'Humiliate me,' she said ... So I bought her a Tottenham shirt
Haringey council has blocked Tottenham's plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: 'We don't mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much.'
'I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make 'Tottenham Hotspur Football Club'. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.'
Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.
A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. 'What about your parents?' asks the social worker. 'No, they beat me,' says the boy. 'What about your grandparents?' says the social worker. 'No, they beat me even harder!' says the boy. 'Well ... where do you want to stay then?' replies the social worker. 'Tottenham,' says the boy. 'They don't beat anyone.
What do a toothpick and Tottenham have in common? They both have two points
Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. 'It ought to,' replies the groundsman. 'We put 70 million quid's worth of manure on it every week.'
I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.
What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox
After leaving San Siro, Jose Mourinho was asked if he was going to help Spurs get out of their slump. He turned around and said, 'No way, I ain't that special'.
Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Juande misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager.
Contrary to what you may think, Spurs are the strongest team in the league at the moment. Sure, aren't they holding everyone else up?
What do the Premier League and a cowboy have in common? They both have spurs at their feet.
A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.
What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.
Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.
Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone's at it.
A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: 'Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1,' reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, 'Oh, no, not again.' The shocked landlord says, 'That's amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?' 'Because he's a Spurs supporter,' the dog's owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, 'I don't know. I've only had him six months.'
When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.
All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.
A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, 'Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10'. The boy says, 'OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?' He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. 'I can hear cannons blasting, so it's an Arsenal ball.' Next he gives him a Millwall ball: 'I hear lions, so it's Millwall.' Amazed, the shopkeeper says, 'Get this and you can have it for nothing.' The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he's heard a cockerel. 'No,' says the boy. 'It's going down.'
What's the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.
I was walking home the other evening and saw half the spurs team playing football with a hedgehog. I was going to call the RSPCA but then I realised the hedgehog was 4-0 up.
Have you ever won the treble?
Years ago, a post like that could only have been made by an Arsenal fan, as they were natural rivals.
The way things are going, it looks like it could have just as easily been from a Leyton Orient fan...
Last edited by Bluebeard; 23/10/2008 at 4:35 PM.
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. "
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too $*%ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"
Another Spurs one:
Did ya hear the groundsmen are covering White Hart Lane in A4 pads.
Apparently Spurs are great on paper!
The glass isn't half full or half empty it's just too damn big!
What's the difference between a triangle and Spurs..
A triangle has 3 points
Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months
So old it probably was on the first page, has arthritis aaaaand you probably all know it by heart, but I still love it:
A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk,
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
The clerk replies, "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick *******."
slightly topical, my friend text me during the week and asked me would i run the marathon, i said no, he said its for blind and handicapped kids, i said "why not" i could win that!!!
Out for a spell, got neglected, lay on the bench unselected.
dunno where it came from, a friend of mine got it in a text
3 men are on death row and are going to be executed in a few days but are each granted one wish.
The first man said he wanted 10 bottles of whiskey,the second man wanted his wife by his side and the third man wanted 16 boxes of cigarettes. The first man gets his whiskey, the second gets his wife and the third man asks "doe's anyone got a lighter ?".
Coleman for Ireland
The way I heard that joke was they were all locked away for 10 years or whatever and thats the first thing he says when he is freed
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