Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[anto1208]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging,violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please
give me the strength to cross the river'

Poof!.....God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof!.......God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.


Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof!.....He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Yea right she read the map !!! ******

[Block G Raptor]

Maths made easy with Manchester United

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Cristiano Ronaldo have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Dublin. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex has a hotel room booked in Moscow for the Champions League Final. How much money will he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Christiano is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £18m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Barcelona were a pushover.

[anto1208]

Here are a few belters form sickipedia .

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the light bulb has got to want to change

this one is long and stupid but i fell off the chair laughing .

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll
have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't
help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy
goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when
I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish,
I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie
waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me.

Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet
with £1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every
time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.'

And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For
my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

[paul_oshea]

thats class....i love those type jokes.

[Block G Raptor]

Chinese style

[GavinZac]

Yea right she read the map !!! ******

Oh she read it alright, once she'd figured out what direction she was facing then rotating the map accordingly

[strangeirish]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.... That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes ..

After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[willymccann]

Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Little Paddy thinks, 'Whoo hooo! I'm bleedin' deadly at General Knowledge. This is gonna be sooo easy!'


Teacher: 'Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Little Paddy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntleroy at the front.

"Yes, Farqhuar?" Farqhuar (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Farquhar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."


The next Thursday comes around, and Little Paddy is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said?" We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Little Paddy's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss!" Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: "Yes Tarquin?"

Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."


The following Thursday comes around and Little Paddy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: '"Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'"

Little Paddy's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."


Little Paddy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "WHERE THE F**K DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?"

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts:
"Who said that?"

Little Paddy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Padraig Pearse, GPO, 1916. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

[sligoman]

Found a website of Maltese proverbs

The highlights for me:

"A woman is like a lemon; you squeeze her and throw her away."
"Seven women in their right senses are surpassed by a mad man."
"Women have got long hair and short sense."
"A woman who does not understand by a look of the eye won't understand by a box of the fist."

[paul_oshea]

i have some great jokes just not suitable for public domain, pm me if ye want them!!

[Torn-Ado]

i have some great jokes just not suitable for public domain, pm me if ye want them!!

Get it done.

[thischarmingman]

i have some great jokes just not suitable for public domain, pm me if ye want them!!

[ramsfan]

Man U Sing:

'Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house'
----------------------------
The offside rule explained for the ladies
Picture this: you're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.

[DmanDmythDledge]

A woman stands nude in front of a mirror. She says to here husband, "I'm fat, horrible and ugly. Pay me a compliment." Her husband replies, "Well at least your eyesight is spot on."

[Bluebeard]

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1967, the first moon landing."

Teacher: '"Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Says loads about the standards of teaching these days that the teacher doesn't know enough to correct the pupil on the date of the alleged first moon landing...

[pól-dcfc]

the alleged first moon landing...

I actually laughed out loud.

[Norm]

Two Teddy Bears in a hot press.
Which one is in the Army..?????....................................... ..........


The one on the Tank.......

[shedite]

A man walks into a petrol station and says " can I please have a kitkat chunky".

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"no" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat b!tch"

[anto1208]

Josef fritzl’s neighbour was asked by a journalist "how long he had known the fritzl's daughter alice"



Alice ? he repiled who the f**k is alice ?



Do you mean FOR 24 YEARS IVE BEEN LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ALICE . . .

[pól-dcfc]

Josef fritzl’s neighbour was asked by a journalist "how long he had known the fritzl's daughter alice"



Alice ? he repiled who the f**k is alice ?



Do you mean FOR 24 YEARS IVE BEEN LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ALICE . . .

Topical!