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Thread: Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

  1. #81
    Seasoned Pro strangeirish's Avatar
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    Did you here the one about the Polish water polo team?

    The horses drowned.........
    Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.

  2. #82
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    If a Paddy and a Polack fell off a bridge, which one would reach the water first?
    The Polack - Paddy would have to ask for directions!

  3. #83
    Reserves M@ttitude's Avatar
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    This chap breaks into a house in a a nice area and starts putting dvd players and ornaments into his rucksack when he hears a voice saying 'Jesus is watching you', He stops and thinks he's just hearing things and gets back to what he's doing when again he hears 'Jesus is watching you', he panics and turns on the light only to see a parrot in a cage staring at him, 'Was that you saying that?', he asks the parrot, 'Yes it was', the parrot replies.. The man says looking confused, 'what are you talking about, are you Jesus or something?', 'No' the parrot says 'Im moses', The thief sniggers and says, 'What kind of family calls a parrot moses?', The parrot squaks 'The same family that calls a Pit Bull Jesus'

  4. #84
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by M@ttitude
    This chap breaks into a house in a a nice area and starts putting dvd players and ornaments into his rucksack when he hears a voice saying 'Jesus is watching you', He stops and thinks he's just hearing things and gets back to what he's doing when again he hears 'Jesus is watching you', he panics and turns on the light only to see a parrot in a cage staring at him, 'Was that you saying that?', he asks the parrot, 'Yes it was', the parrot replies.. The man says looking confused, 'what are you talking about, are you Jesus or something?', 'No' the parrot says 'Im moses', The thief sniggers and says, 'What kind of family calls a parrot moses?', The parrot squaks 'The same family that calls a Pit Bull Jesus'


    Nice one M@gnitude.

    You're the sound bloke who helped me with the internet hassles a while back. Haven't seen you in Footieland for a while??

  5. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by sirhamish


    Nice one M@gnitude.

    You're the sound bloke who helped me with the internet hassles a while back. Haven't seen you in Footieland for a while??
    M@gnitude? HaHa, babe-magnet-dude you mean. Yeah, ive been reading on and off but not posting much. Another joke......
    How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic??

  6. #86
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by M@ttitude
    M@gnitude? HaHa, babe-magnet-dude you mean. Yeah, ive been reading on and off but not posting much. Another joke......
    How many light bulbs does it take to change a dyslexic??

    Well Holy DOG!!! Another good one from the BABE MAGNET???

    Stop bragging - just enjoy it.

    Sigh. Tis just fond memories to me.

  7. #87
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    What d ya call postman Pat when he's unemployed?
    Eh .... Pat!

    What does 50 cent use to clean his floor?
    Bleeeeeotch!

    Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
    It stops them whistling on the way down! (so sorry! )
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

  8. #88
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aido_b
    What d ya call postman Pat when he's unemployed?
    Eh .... Pat!

    What does 50 cent use to clean his floor?
    Bleeeeeotch!

    Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
    It stops them whistling on the way down! (so sorry! )
    Wait'll Kerrs Tribe and Babysis see that last one aido b - you're a dead man.

    Still funny though.

  9. #89
    Seasoned Pro strangeirish's Avatar
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    The Irishman on Liverpool's docks would leave the job early every lunchtime, telling his workmates, 'I'm just going for more cotton.'

    When he died they wrote this epitaph on his headstone:

    'Gone - but not for cotton.'
    Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.

  10. #90
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Three characters: Knacky, Micky and the Preacher.

    Best to read this "joke" out loud and when Knacky speaks
    Say his line in a squeeky, nasal voice for best effect. (Knee -ack-ee)

    B'sloe men Knacky and Micky depressed. Knacky has a voice impediment and Micky has a deformed leg.
    Both tried all types of cure - no luck.
    They heard about this preacher in Redneck Springs, Alabama.
    He's supposed to perform miracle cures.
    Over to Alabama they go.
    Reach Redneck Springs, huge crowd, preacher in full voice.

    "Welcome all the way from Ireland, brothers Knacky and Micky, Haleluiah!!
    !I'm gonna heal your wounds, pray to the Lawd!

    Preacher instructs both to go behind curtain while he prays out loud.

    "Brothers, sisters, let us all pray for the recovery of Knacky and Micky".

    Crowd swoons, prays, screams etc etc

    Preacher roars:
    "Brother Micky - cast out your crutches"

    Pair of crutches sail out over curtain crashing onto ground in front of Preacher.
    All present shout "Halleluhiah"

    "Brother Knacky - speak to us all in a firm, strong voice"

    Knacky : "Micky fell"
    Last edited by hamish; 01/06/2005 at 10:27 PM.

  11. #91
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    A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    He screeches to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

    There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.

    “Ok,” the hunter says. “Now what?”
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

  12. #92
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aido_b
    A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    He screeches to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

    The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”

    There is a silence, followed by a deafening gunshot blast.

    “Ok,” the hunter says. “Now what?”

  13. #93
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    A naive young vicar from Lawth
    Raged against sins such as sloth
    He preached masturbation
    To the whole congregation
    And was washed down the aisle in the froth.

    Oh dear said the widow Mulgrew
    As the randy young curate withdrew
    I pre - fer the vicar
    He's quicker and slicker
    And half an inch thicker than you

  14. #94
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    Nice joke, last one of the evening ....

    One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

    Suddenly,emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

    And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "'Tis absolutely fantastic!

    At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too.
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

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    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    There once was a man from Bengal
    Who had a hexagonal ball
    Along with its mate
    Plus his penis plus eight
    Was twice the square root of fcuk all

  16. #96
    Seasoned Pro Réiteoir's Avatar
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    What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

    Justice Fingers
    Kom Igen, FCK...

  17. #97
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Réiteoir
    What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

    Justice Fingers
    Get your coat, NOW!!!!

  18. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by Réiteoir
    What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

    Justice Fingers

    I'm havin that...thats very good....

  19. #99
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    I know its cruel but it make me laugh....


    A man had two great tickets for the Cup final. As he sits down, another
    man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
    "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
    a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in
    England, and not use it?"

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.My wife was supposed
    to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
    haven't been to together since we got married."

    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
    you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to
    take the seat?

    The man shakes his head... .



    "No. They're all at the funeral."
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

  20. #100
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aido_b
    I know its cruel but it make me laugh....


    A man had two great tickets for the Cup final. As he sits down, another
    man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
    "No," he says. "The seat is empty."

    "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
    a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in
    England, and not use it?"

    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.My wife was supposed
    to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
    haven't been to together since we got married."

    "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't
    you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to
    take the seat?

    The man shakes his head... .



    "No. They're all at the funeral."

    LOL Brilliant!

    aido b strikes again. Top man.

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