Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[3 Heroes]

To celebrate Evel Knievel's life,BNP leader Nick Griffin has agreed to try to jump 100 Muslims in a double Decker bus

What does Hiroshima in Japan and Khartoum in the Sudan have in common?

Nothing...yet

I don't really understand World AIDS Day... but f**k it!
Happy AIDS Day everyone!!!

Women don't like to hear men's opinions, they just like to hear their own opinions in a deeper voice.

A little girl says to her mum "mummy you're getting really fat" "yes"replies the mum .'but remember,mummy has a baby growing in her tummy"."I know that"says the girl."but what's growing in your a*se?"

Bungee Jumping €20 a go

People from Cork and Kerry go free. No strings attached

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green, and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has

[2legged tackle]

2 Snowmen staanding in a field, One says to the other, Do you smell Carrots

A man driving down the road gets pulled over and when the cop looks in the boot he finds 3 penguins.
Cop: What the hell do you think your doin? You cant keep 3 penguins in your boot, Bring them to the zoo straight away.
Next day the same cop pulls the same man over and asks him to open his boot. When he opens it the same three penguins are there wearin sun glasses.
Cop: What the hell are you doin, I told you to bring them to the zoo and now there still here and you have them wearin sunglasses, What is goin on?
Man: I brought them to the zoo yesterday as you told me so today im bringin them to the beach.

[the 12 th man]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.


Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.



The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[chuckie]

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was ****ed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those *******s from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little ****s
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

[sligoman]

Little Red Riding Hood's skipping down the road when she sees the big head of the big bad wolf hiding behind a log. "Oh what big eyes you have" she says. The wolf runs off. Later, she sees him hiding behind a tree. "Oh what big ears you have" she says. Again, the wolf runs off. Later she sees him hiding behind a road sign. "Oh what big teeth you have" she says. The big bad wolf jumps out and says "Would you ever **** off, I'm trying to have a ****e here."
------------------
Paddy buys a bath. He takes it back the next day complaining water keeps running out. The store manager says "Did you buy a plug?" Paddy says "Ya fecker ya! You never said it was electric".

[strangeirish]

Two Englishmen- businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent asked "What are you selling' here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,


"You’re doing well ... Only two left!"

[Block G Raptor]

A british comedian/magician is doing a gig in the bogside. the promoter sticks his head around the dressing room door and says "the boys are in tonight" the english magician looks puzzled and ask's who are the boys ? the promoter answers " just a few eh local characters" so the Magician goes on stage and say's "good evening london-derry!!" not the best Idea in the bogside I know. a few mins into his act he know's he's lost the crowd and he's being heckled loudly(he can't fathom why) so decides on a change of direction, audience participation! so he turn to the rowdy throng in the hall and asks " Can I have a Volunteer from the audience!! a large man in combats and beret steps up from the crowd and asks "wad'ya want a volunteer for?" to which the magician answers "I going to make a woman disappear" Combats and beret answers "all ready done that, been there bought the t-shirt"

[Paddyfield]

The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:




'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'



.

[strangeirish]

Two very old bedridden men are talking to each other one day when one says, "Come on, lets get the feck out of here and ride two whores".
The other lad says, "Sure we cant even walk, let alone ride and how can we afford them?".
The first lad pulls a wad of cash from under his mattress and says, "Grab hold of your zimmer frame and come on".

Three days later they arrive to the brothel at the end of their road, stinking of **** and other old people smells. They knock on the door and the lady of the house says, "Feck off you smelly tramps, you're gettin feck all to eat off me". "No you don't understand" says the first guy, "We want to ride your two best girls". Just as the lady was about to kick him in the nads, he produced the wad and was ushered in to the sitting room with champagne on arrival.

The lady had a good look at them and decided that these half blind doddery old farts wouldn't know the difference between a woman and a blow up doll, so she gave them a room each with a doll and left them at it. About an hour later, they met in the corridor.

"How did you get on?" said the first. "I think I killed her because I rode the arse off her and she never moved!. I even stuck my mickey in her eye and she never blinked, how about you?".
"I think mine was a witch because I gave her a lovebite and she flew out the fecking window".

[biscuit]

Two very old bedridden men are talking to each other one day when one says, "Come on, lets get the feck out of here and ride two whores".
The other lad says, "Sure we cant even walk, let alone ride and how can we afford them?".
The first lad pulls a wad of cash from under his mattress and says, "Grab hold of your zimmer frame and come on".

Three days later they arrive to the brothel at the end of their road, stinking of **** and other old people smells. They knock on the door and the lady of the house says, "Feck off you smelly tramps, you're gettin feck all to eat off me". "No you don't understand" says the first guy, "We want to ride your two best girls". Just as the lady was about to kick him in the nads, he produced the wad and was ushered in to the sitting room with champagne on arrival.

The lady had a good look at them and decided that these half blind doddery old farts wouldn't know the difference between a woman and a blow up doll, so she gave them a room each with a doll and left them at it. About an hour later, they met in the corridor.

"How did you get on?" said the first. "I think I killed her because I rode the arse off her and she never moved!. I even stuck my mickey in her eye and she never blinked, how about you?".
"I think mine was a witch because I gave her a lovebite and she flew out the fecking window".

thanks SI, we just fell around work laughin!!quality,its even gotten rid of my hangover!

[paul_oshea]

that joke was crap.

[strangeirish]

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

[gustavo]

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

Simple ones are best

[strangeirish]

Simple ones are best

That was for O'Shea. Easy for him to understand.

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded, " Arrr, I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys, arrrr." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered, " Oh that? Arrrr, I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, " Arrrr ye fool, it was the day after I got me hook!"

[Lev Yashin]

i went to the doctor the other day and he told me i'd have to stop masterbating...i said why? and he said cause he was trying to examine me!

[paul_oshea]

you shouldn't really be telling people that shannonman, this is the jokes thread not the "your most embarrassing moments" thread. If I were you id keep quiet about that sorta stuff

[DmanDmythDledge]

What do you call a fat chinese person?

SPOILER: A chunk

[Aaron]

Why I fired my Secretary. Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'. And I just sat there... On the couch..........












Naked

[2legged tackle]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[2legged tackle]

Two young lads sittin in a cinema and as the movie is gettin a bit stale one shouts "Help! Help! Is there a doctor in here?"
Doctor replies "Yes I'm a doctor!"
Young lad says "**** film, isnt it"
Doctor "If i could see you i'd beat the ****** of ya!"