Quoteyeah i will don't worry!Originally Posted by strangeirish
Awww, don't get mad, get even!
Awww, don't get mad, get even!
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
yeah i will don't worry!Awww, don't get mad, get even!
Whats the difference between a red brick and a redhead?
Red bricks get laid
Didn't realise so many of us on here were red-heads.
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
No hair and red heads all of ye!
Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge then asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:
"If either of you f#ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have something to show you you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with
your wife ?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
That question was less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Help me, Arthur Murphy, you're my only hope!
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says.................
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'
__________________
Tact is for people who are not witty enough to be sarcastic
Courtesy of my mum!
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.'
This obviously doesn't apply to Ryanscare flights!
Tact is for people who are not witty enough to be sarcastic
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Classic !
Here's a few for our Irish League brethern from John Pepper's marvellous book:
Q. What do you call 300 Bangor Solicitors chained to a barge at the bottom of Belfast Lough ?
A: A Good start!
Q: What do they do in Ballymena about Sex ?
A: They have their tea! ( you need to say it aloud in a Norn Iron accent)
Q: Why is sex before marriage frowned upon North of the border?
A: It crumples the dress and keeps the bride late for the ceremony
Two old women chatting at bingo.
One says to the other , "did you come on the bus"
Yes came the reply but I made it look like an asthma attack!
I'll update this next year.
Two women talking one asks the other: '' Do you smoke after intercourse?''
The second one says: "I don't know I've never looked ......"
Two men talking to one another:'' Do you talk to your wife when you're making love?'' The second one says:'' Well if she telephones me I do''
A dumbass cowboy rides into town starkers. The sheriff comes out of his office and sees this vista . Arrests him and brings him in for questioning.
The sheriff asks him'' What are you doing riding into town naked as a jaybird?"
The cowboy says '' Well Sheriff it was like this. I was riding on my horse through the desert I hadn't seen anybody for days or weeks. I was low on water and the horse was tired and it wasn't looking good. All of a sudden I stumbled on this fertile patch of ground. There was water and trees with fruits and stuff.I ate as much fruit as I could and drank as much water as I could , so did the horse and refilled my canteen and was ready to go again. I rested a spell and then I heard a woman's voice calling for help in the distance. Just on the edge of that place there was a woman with no clothes on and she was tied to stakes by her hands and her feet. She says to me ' Cowboy they call me sexy Sue, and if you free me I will let you do whatever you want to.' So I got my knife out and cut her ropes on her hands and feet and she was free and naked as the day she was born. She asked me to take all my clothes off , so I did. Then she got down on all fours stuck her ass in the air and asked me to go to town... well here I am.''
Last edited by CollegeTillIDie; 24/10/2007 at 9:29 AM.
A croaking man goes up to an Icecream van:
The Ice cream man says : What will it be?
The croaking man says: Could I have a Vanilla cone please?
The Ice cream man says: Do you want syrup with that?
The croaking man says : No thanks
The Ice cream man says: How about Chocolate sauce?
The croaking man says: No thanks
The Ice cream man asks: A Flake?
The croaking man says: No thanks
The Ice cream man asks: Crushed nuts?
The croaking man says: No I have laryngitis
Does any one know the one about the World's greatest lies?
I'll start the ball rolling:
1) The Cheque is in the post
ive heard that joke for other types of people too...not nice!
How do you get 4 elephants into a mini?
2 in the front two in the back
How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
Open the door.
Put elephant in.
Close the door?
How do you get a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door.
take out the elephant
put in the giraffe.
close the door.
I cant remember the last one in that....
I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away
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