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  1. #61
    International Prospect Green Tribe's Avatar
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    Talking Lost in translation II

    Again, you need to read it with an Italian accent.....

    A bus stops at a small town in South Carolina and two Italian tourists get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more.
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and then pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time, hey whadda bout tha, eh?"
    "You foul-mouthed ba$tard, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
    "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

    Class !

  2. #62
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=kerr's tribe]Again, you need to read it with an Italian accent.....

    A bus stops at a small town in South Carolina and two Italian tourists get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
    The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first.
    Den I come.
    Den two asses come together.
    I come once-a-more.
    Two asses, they come together again.
    I come again and then pee twice.
    Then I come one lasta time, hey whadda bout tha, eh?"
    "You foul-mouthed ba$tard, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
    "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."


    No need for KT a big LOL and

  3. #63
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Out of season joke.
    Why does Santy have no children?
    Only comes once a year and that's down the chimney.
    But when he does he fills your socks.

    I'm goin'. I'm goin'

  4. #64
    Reserves ollie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sirhamish
    Fancy dress ball in Ballinasloe.
    Big turnout with the usual horror costumes - Dracula, Wolfman, Napoleon, Carlton Palmer etc all present.
    Knacky, a late entree, enters the room. All eyes on him in shock and disgust.
    Knacky is stark naked except for his willy stuck in a large bowl of yellow Birds Eye.
    Master of Ceremonies stormes over: "What the hell are you supposed to be dressed as?"

    Knacky replies: I couldn't get a costume so I'm fcukin disgusted"
    class

    ye've probably all heard this before...
    2 men walk into a bar..
    ..You'd think 1 of them would have seen it.

    3 paddies were in a bar.Paddy irish man stood a round,paddy english stood a round and paddy scots man stood around.more a 1 to say than to type.
    Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months

  5. #65
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    My wife always wants to talk to me during sex...................just the othernight she rang me from her hotel room.

  6. #66
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ollie
    class

    ye've probably all heard this before...
    2 men walk into a bar..
    ..You'd think 1 of them would have seen it.

    3 paddies were in a bar.Paddy irish man stood a round,paddy english stood a round and paddy scots man stood around.more a 1 to say than to type.

    Thanks Ollie - loved yer second joke - my one above was actually a racist one so I changed it to B'sloe - anyway we're treated down here as the niggaz of Ireland so it's probably just as appropriate. Y'know horse fair, horse $h!te, green wellingtons, unsavoury practises with sheep etc. Not me of course re. the latter. Honest to God!

  7. #67
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Here's a brutal one.

    Beautiful bird brings a fellow to her room for a night of right royal passion.
    Both get nekkid and fellow starts to move towards her.
    No, no, no, she says, I just can't make love in this weather.
    Yer man says, "But it's alovely summer's evening"
    We can do something about that,she says. Now follow my instructions..
    So she makes him sit up on the clothes cupboard and places a large basin of water at his feet.
    She lies on bed
    Splash me with that water all over my body. He duly does with his right foot.
    She squirms and turned in ecstacy exclaiming : Oh water, it reminds me of rain - really turns me on
    Next she askes him to reach for light switch with his right hand and flick the switch on and off.
    "OOOOOOOOO, she says, lightning, really turns me on.
    Then she asks him to bang his left heel off the cupboard.
    Oooooooooo, thunder, what an orgasmic feeling, ooooooooo
    Then she tells him to operate the electric fan with his left hand.
    Ooooooooo wind, what a mega turn on.
    Glad for ya, says the bloke, ya got thunder and lightening, wind and rain.
    When can I come down to you for a bit of sex.
    She replies: Whaaaaaaaaaat SEX? Are you serious - on a night like this??


    Gullanes Hotel, B'sloe - it happened there, so I'm told.
    Last edited by hamish; 21/05/2005 at 10:52 PM.

  8. #68
    Seasoned Pro Risteard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paul_oshea
    whats brown and sticky???
    A stick?
    City definetly have the best bands playing at half-time.

    O'Bama - "Eerah yeah, I'd say we can alright!"

    G.O'Mahoney Trapattoni'll sort ém out!!

  9. #69
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    As promised KT.
    You know the story about the terrible problems cystic fibrosis sufferers have in getting organs for transplants. One of my friends daughters went to Newcastle to have a transplant operation which, thank God, turned out 100% successful. She was back at Karate after a couple of months.
    However, just before she went in to the operation theatre, the surgeon asked her was there anything she wanted to say before she went under. Now we're talking a life or death situation here. Do you know what she said to the surgeon?
    Could you throw in a boob job while you're at it?"
    I believe the surgeon had to sit down, he was laughing so much. The whole place was in knots.

  10. #70
    International Prospect Green Tribe's Avatar
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    nice one! you got a mention in the christmas meet-up london-for derry lads also thread today!

  11. #71
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kerr's tribe
    nice one! you got a mention in the christmas meet-up london-for derry lads also thread today!
    Cheers KT. How do I get to that?? = what thread is it?
    Silly old Hamish.

  12. #72
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    ya risteard thats it.
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  13. #73
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paul_oshea
    ya risteard thats it.
    Que???? Don't understand Paul O'Shea who's really a Galwayman but claims to be from Roscommon!!!!!

  14. #74
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    im from maigo eo did ye not see??
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

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    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paul_oshea
    im from maigo eo did ye not see??
    Ah Jesus, first Galway, then Roscommon, now Mayo. Ya tramp!!!!
    Slaggin and jokin aside POS, Kerrs Tribe mentioned some London Derry thingy - just a few posts above. How do I get to that?????

  16. #76
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    http://foot.ie/showthreasd.php?p=276680#post276680


    check the last and second last pages
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  17. #77
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Thanks good buddy = only got the usual cant be found thingy???

  18. #78
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    .-.-.-.-.
    Two goldfish in a tank..

    One goldfish says to the other: How the fcuk we gonna drive this thing?
    -.-.-.-.


    Thank you and goodnight!!
    Resign, now!

  19. #79
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    Seeing as he's taking over Celtic

    Strachanisms

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
    England squad?
    Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

    Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
    Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

    Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
    Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

    Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
    Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
    Coventry one, that's for sure.

    Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
    Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
    Were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
    Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

    Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
    Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

    Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
    Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

    Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
    To get your first win under your belt, won't you?
    Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
    Bother answering that one.

    Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
    Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

    Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
    Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

    Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
    Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

    Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
    Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

    Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
    better than you today?
    Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

    --------------------------

    just after he got the Southampton Job...they lost so he went into the dressing room and said O.K lads 9:00am tomorrow want you all in for training.

    Next day 9:00am, no show for Gordon...then at 10:30 the team get a call,

    Gordon: Right lads you wasted 90mins of my time yesterday, I wasted 90mins of yours today. So we're even. See you tomorrow at training."
    Keane O'Shea Given Best Long Cox

  20. #80
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eirambler
    Strachanisms

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the
    England squad?
    Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

    Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
    Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

    Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
    Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

    Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
    Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the
    Coventry one, that's for sure.

    Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
    Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
    Were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
    Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

    Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
    Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

    Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
    Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

    Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy
    To get your first win under your belt, won't you?
    Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to
    Bother answering that one.

    Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
    Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.

    Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
    Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

    Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
    Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

    Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
    Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

    Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
    better than you today?
    Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

    --------------------------

    just after he got the Southampton Job...they lost so he went into the dressing room and said O.K lads 9:00am tomorrow want you all in for training.

    Next day 9:00am, no show for Gordon...then at 10:30 the team get a call,

    Gordon: Right lads you wasted 90mins of my time yesterday, I wasted 90mins of yours today. So we're even. See you tomorrow at training."
    BRILLIANT - I can hardly type this I'm laughing so much.
    Man, where do you get all these sceals??? I've heard the odd Strachan quip but never as many as that. Respect man.

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