Page 3 of 117 FirstFirst 123451353103 ... LastLast
Results 41 to 60 of 2323

Thread: Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

  1. #41
    International Prospect Green Tribe's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Galway
    Posts
    5,290
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    1
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    3
    Thanked in
    3 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by paul_oshea
    reporter to gordan strachan after a match:

    "gordon any chance of a quick word?!"

    "velocity"

    and off gordon goes. legend.

    this lad is walking up in belfast when all of a sudden he is grabbed from behind and shoved up against the wall. teh man pulls out a gun and says to him,
    "what religioin are ye?"
    "what?"
    "what religion are ye?"
    "jewish, im jewsih"

    "well i must be the luckiest fooken muslim in belfast today" and bang
    already heard!!!

  2. #42
    First Team
    Joined
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Galway city
    Posts
    1,933
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    0
    Thanked in
    0 Posts
    Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to
    the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
    Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
    headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
    and coast into the garage.
    Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
    get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee
    down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
    I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

    "His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

    I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
    hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes
    in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,
    WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
    It Works Every Time!!!

  3. #43
    Capped Player
    Joined
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Maígh Eó
    Posts
    15,412
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    2,081
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    902
    Thanked in
    725 Posts
    already heard!!!
    ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.

    at least mine was half funny.
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  4. #44
    International Prospect Green Tribe's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Galway
    Posts
    5,290
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    1
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    3
    Thanked in
    3 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by paul_oshea
    ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.

    at least mine was half funny.
    it is the terrible joke thread remember, so mine was good......

    nice one babysis!! have not heard that one

  5. #45
    Capped Player
    Joined
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Maígh Eó
    Posts
    15,412
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    2,081
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    902
    Thanked in
    725 Posts
    What's black and white & blows bubbles?


    Michael Jackson!


    whats pink and fluffly?

    pink fluff!

    whats blue and fluffly?

    pink fluffy holding its breath


    what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?

    ruberto!

    whats brown and sticky???

    what did tarzan say when he saw jane with an elephant go up the hill?

    "oh look theres jan going up the hill with an elephant!" classic.


    whats the difference between michael jackson and frankie detorri?

    i know ye have all heard it:

    frakie has a license to rider two year olds.
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  6. #46
    Closed Account
    Joined
    Jun 2004
    Location
    ...
    Posts
    2,870
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    121
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    340
    Thanked in
    200 Posts
    whats smelly, steaming and comes from cows ?

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    The Isle of Wight ferry.
    .
    .
    .

    (If I'd typed Cowes it would have been obvious).

  7. #47
    Reserves aido_b's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Vancouver
    Posts
    699
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    0
    Thanked in
    0 Posts
    What d ya call a sleepy dinosaur??
    A tyranasnoreus!

    Two oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other, you're round!

    What was the last thing that Hitler said to his men before they got into their tanks?
    Men, get into your tanks!

    Whats white and if it fell outta a tree it'd kill ya?
    A fridge!

    Does anyone know where the Dublin altzeimers centre is?

    did ya hear about the red sauce chasing the brown sauce?
    it couldnt ketchup

    What do u call cheese that isn't yours?
    Nacho Cheese

    I am so so sorry!

    p.s. if anyone took offence to the above jokes i apologise!
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

  8. #48
    Capped Player
    Joined
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Maígh Eó
    Posts
    15,412
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    2,081
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    902
    Thanked in
    725 Posts
    some classics there!!!
    I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
    And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
    I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
    Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away

  9. #49
    Seasoned Pro strangeirish's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    4,484
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    412
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    428
    Thanked in
    230 Posts
    Why don't oysters give to charity?
    Because they're shellfish.
    Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.

  10. #50
    Coach tiktok's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2003
    Location
    In Out Shake it all about
    Posts
    5,624
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    20
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    6
    Thanked in
    5 Posts
    A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'.
    So the barman gave her one.
    Cork City: Making 'Dream Team' seem realistic since 2007.

  11. #51
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Beeslow (Bsloe)
    Posts
    4,535
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post
    What's the definition of love all?
    Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing Tennis.


    Ballinasloe man loses sight of right eye and being so poor didn't even qualify for a medical card.
    A neighbouring surgeon and carpenter took pity and devised a false eye made from a piece of ash tree and paint.
    B'sloe man is overjoyed and celebrates by going to the Emerald Ballroom for a spot of jivin', like.
    Spots girl in the corner who can't get a dance from any bloke and shuffles over to her.
    "Hey hag, would you like to dance?"
    She replies with delight, "Oh would I, would I"
    "Fcuk off ya ignorant bitch!"

    What's the difference between a man in a bath and a man going into confession?
    One of them has hope in his soul.................

    Ferdinand walking down the road, spots Frederick coming along the other side.
    "Cooooooeeeeee Frederick, how's your hole?"
    Frederick snaps back, "Shut up"
    Ferdinand, "Oooooo, is that right, so's mine, must be the weather!

    and this one's even worse.

    Frederick walks into a very rough pub, clad in all pink gear.
    Goes up to bar and orders a pink gin.
    Barman tells him to fcuk off - "don't serve your type here"
    Frederick says, "If you don't serve me, I'll set my dog on you"
    Barman again tells him to fcuk off.
    Frederick replies, "You asked for it - Cuddles ATTACK"
    Big alsatian with ferocious fangs jumps up, faces terrified barman eye to eye and goes:
    " bowzee, wowzee, wowzee!"

    Panic in the church just before Mass.
    No sign of a drop of wine.
    Priest sends altar boy to shop to get some.
    Boy returns but could only get orange squash.
    At the consecration Priest intones:
    "This is Mi Wadi, this is my blood"



    I'll get my coat.......
    Last edited by hamish; 21/05/2005 at 12:39 AM.

  12. #52
    International Prospect Green Tribe's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Galway
    Posts
    5,290
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    1
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    3
    Thanked in
    3 Posts

    Red face

    Breaking news

    : HRH The Queen has lost her wig in the premises of Buckingham Palace, police are currently combing the area.........



  13. #53
    First Team
    Joined
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Cork
    Posts
    1,406
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    0
    Thanked in
    0 Posts

    Sex? At my age?? True story.

    Does this qualify? It is supposed to be a true story.
    A famous retired French actor started a relationship with a woman in her early 20s. As the guy was well into his 80s, the age difference caught the imagination of the French public.
    One night on a live talk show, the interviewer asked him straight out if he was having a physical relationship with his new girlfriend. "Of course", he replied.
    The interviewer asked: "Isn't that a little dangerous"?
    The old geezer gave a brilliant reply,
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Scroll down.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    This is worth savouring . . .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    The old man replied:

    [SIZE=5]"If she dies, she dies."[/SIZE]
    Injustice anywhere threatens justice everywhere - Martin Luther King Jnr.

  14. #54
    Reserves aido_b's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Vancouver
    Posts
    699
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    0
    Thanked in
    0 Posts
    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
    but don't start anything."

    What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
    A headbanger!

    Plenty more where that came from!
    Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!

    "You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991

    2005 - a great year for Irish football

  15. #55
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Beeslow (Bsloe)
    Posts
    4,535
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post
    Great stuff, the three of yez above. The following was told to me by a Garda friend who swears it's true and he was there but I'm sure it's done the rounds.

    Ballinasloe courthouse, usual Thursday morning session.
    Local yob up on D and D charge, slouched beside his solicitor and yob is noisily chewing gum
    Highly irritated judge beckons to court clerk, whispers in his shell-like.
    "Tell the defendant to stop masticating"
    Court clerk goes down to yob and says:
    His honour says to take yer hand out of yer trouser pocket RIGHT NOW, yeh dirty little bo!!ix"
    Last edited by hamish; 21/05/2005 at 4:23 AM.

  16. #56
    International Prospect Green Tribe's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Galway
    Posts
    5,290
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    1
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    3
    Thanked in
    3 Posts

    Talking Lost in translation

    NB (It is important to read out loud what the italian guy says in an italian accent )

    An Italian tourist checks into a hotel in London, proceeds to the dinner hall as he is rather hungry after his journey from Napoli. At the dinner table he joins another lady guest; " Ciao Bella! He is disgusted that there are no forks laid out on the table, so he calls to the waitress... " Hey, I wanta two fork on the table" "Eh, what is, I just ask two fork on the table" The waitress and the lady is horrified, "I'm sorry Sir, but that's not very appropiate" , the waitress walks away. The Italian is left rather bemused

    Later that evening, he checks his bed, it has no sheets whatsoever! So, he storms down to reception, talks to the manager " Eh, I wanta 2 sheet on the bed, you know whadda i mean-a?." Manager is taken aback, " sorry Sir? " Eh, I need 2 sheet on the bed-a, ok? I as for nothing just wanna sheet, come on..... Manager calls security and has poor Gianni removed from the hotel.........

  17. #57
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Beeslow (Bsloe)
    Posts
    4,535
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post
    Here's another one, before I forget it.

    Main character called Knacky (pronounced Knee - ack- ee but much quicker and in a very nasal voice)

    It's 1940 and Ballinasloe man Knacky is listening to the BBC on his steam radio about the blitz over London.
    "I'm joining up to fight for the rights of small nations against the evils of fascism", he trumpets.
    Off he goes to England and because of his impediment is drafted into the coastal defence.
    By some oversight, he ends up in charge of an anti-aircraft unit near the cliffs of Dover.
    This was before radar and all he had was a megaphone to communicate orders plus a pair of binoculars.
    Knacky hears the drone of the Luftwaffe and starts to organise.
    His underlings are primed and ready with their guns.
    Knacky, looking through the binoculars, shouts:
    "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, reh, reh, readeeeeeeeeeeeee"
    Unit awaits further command, Luftwaffe at 45 degrees.
    Ae, ae, ae, aimmmmmm
    Unit rising gun's elevation.
    Luftwaffwe flying directly overhead, unit guns at maximum elevation.
    Luftwaffe passed overhead, out of range.
    Knacky:
    Ffffff, Fuh, Fuh, ffff..Fcuk it, we'll get dem comin' back.
    Last edited by hamish; 21/05/2005 at 3:28 PM.

  18. #58
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Beeslow (Bsloe)
    Posts
    4,535
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post
    Quote Originally Posted by kerr's tribe
    NB (It is important to read out loud what the italian guy says in an italian accent )

    An Italian tourist checks into a hotel in London, proceeds to the dinner hall as he is rather hungry after his journey from Napoli. At the dinner table he joins another lady guest; " Ciao Bella! He is disgusted that there are no forks laid out on the table, so he calls to the waitress... " Hey, I wanta two fork on the table" "Eh, what is, I just ask two fork on the table" The waitress and the lady is horrified, "I'm sorry Sir, but that's not very appropiate" , the waitress walks away. The Italian is left rather bemused

    Later that evening, he checks his bed, it has no sheets whatsoever! So, he storms down to reception, talks to the manager " Eh, I wanta 2 sheet on the bed, you know whadda i mean-a?." Manager is taken aback, " sorry Sir? " Eh, I need 2 sheet on the bed-a, ok? I as for nothing just wanna sheet, come on..... Manager calls security and has poor Gianni removed from the
    hotel.........

  19. #59
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Beeslow (Bsloe)
    Posts
    4,535
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post
    World Cup Final, Munchen, Deutschland, 2006.

    Ireland v Brazil.

    Result at half-time: 3 all

    Result after heart attack forming second half: 5-5

    Result after amazing extra 30 minutes : 6-6

    Penalty shoot-out, nerves jangling
    Result after first ten spot kicks: 5-5

    Result after 10 more penalties, Brian Kerr receiving emergency heart surgery:
    10-10

    Penos continue

    Brazil ahead 14 - 13, last kick to Ireland.

    Kevin Kilbane steps up turns to his teammates in centre circle and with a sheepish smile says:

    "Promise you won't laugh if I miss"
    Last edited by hamish; 21/05/2005 at 4:00 AM.

  20. #60
    New Signing hamish's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Beeslow (Bsloe)
    Posts
    4,535
    Thanks Thanks Given 
    0
    Thanks Thanks Received 
    1
    Thanked in
    1 Post
    Fancy dress ball in Ballinasloe.
    Big turnout with the usual horror costumes - Dracula, Wolfman, Napoleon, Carlton Palmer etc all present.
    Knacky, a late entree, enters the room. All eyes on him in shock and disgust.
    Knacky is stark naked except for his willy stuck in a large bowl of yellow Birds Eye.
    Master of Ceremonies stormes over: "What the hell are you supposed to be dressed as?"

    Knacky replies: I couldn't get a costume so I'm fcukin disgusted"
    Last edited by hamish; 21/05/2005 at 4:25 AM.

Page 3 of 117 FirstFirst 123451353103 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Bad Jokes
    By max power in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 08/03/2006, 3:12 PM
  2. Jokes
    By 4tothefloor in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 28/04/2004, 3:41 PM
  3. RK Jokes
    By pete in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 15/06/2002, 8:37 PM
  4. a few jokes
    By mouldymurphy in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 15/03/2002, 6:04 PM
  5. a few (sad) jokes
    By mouldymurphy in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 26/02/2002, 3:01 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •