Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Green Tribe]

reporter to gordan strachan after a match:

"gordon any chance of a quick word?!"

"velocity"

and off gordon goes. legend.

this lad is walking up in belfast when all of a sudden he is grabbed from behind and shoved up against the wall. teh man pulls out a gun and says to him,
"what religioin are ye?"
"what?"
"what religion are ye?"
"jewish, im jewsih"

"well i must be the luckiest fooken muslim in belfast today" and bang

already heard!!!

[Babysis]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to
the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine
and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee
down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes
in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,
WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.
It Works Every Time!!!

[paul_oshea]

already heard!!!

ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.

at least mine was half funny.

[Green Tribe]

ya so was yours!!!! and it was crap.

at least mine was half funny.

it is the terrible joke thread remember, so mine was good......

nice one babysis!! have not heard that one

[paul_oshea]

What's black and white & blows bubbles?


Michael Jackson!


whats pink and fluffly?

pink fluff!

whats blue and fluffly?

pink fluffy holding its breath


what do u call an italian with a rubber toe?

ruberto!

whats brown and sticky???

what did tarzan say when he saw jane with an elephant go up the hill?

"oh look theres jan going up the hill with an elephant!" classic.


whats the difference between michael jackson and frankie detorri?

i know ye have all heard it:

frakie has a license to rider two year olds.

[Closed Account 2]

whats smelly, steaming and comes from cows ?

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The Isle of Wight ferry.
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(If I'd typed Cowes it would have been obvious).

[aido_b]

What d ya call a sleepy dinosaur??
A tyranasnoreus!

Two oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other, you're round!

What was the last thing that Hitler said to his men before they got into their tanks?
Men, get into your tanks!

Whats white and if it fell outta a tree it'd kill ya?
A fridge!

Does anyone know where the Dublin altzeimers centre is?

did ya hear about the red sauce chasing the brown sauce?
it couldnt ketchup

What do u call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

I am so so sorry!

p.s. if anyone took offence to the above jokes i apologise!

[paul_oshea]

some classics there!!!

[strangeirish]

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

[tiktok]

A woman walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a 'double entendre'.
So the barman gave her one.

[hamish]

What's the definition of love all?
Stevie Wonder and David Blunkett playing Tennis.


Ballinasloe man loses sight of right eye and being so poor didn't even qualify for a medical card.
A neighbouring surgeon and carpenter took pity and devised a false eye made from a piece of ash tree and paint.
B'sloe man is overjoyed and celebrates by going to the Emerald Ballroom for a spot of jivin', like.
Spots girl in the corner who can't get a dance from any bloke and shuffles over to her.
"Hey hag, would you like to dance?"
She replies with delight, "Oh would I, would I"
"Fcuk off ya ignorant bitch!"

What's the difference between a man in a bath and a man going into confession?
One of them has hope in his soul.................

Ferdinand walking down the road, spots Frederick coming along the other side.
"Cooooooeeeeee Frederick, how's your hole?"
Frederick snaps back, "Shut up"
Ferdinand, "Oooooo, is that right, so's mine, must be the weather!

and this one's even worse.

Frederick walks into a very rough pub, clad in all pink gear.
Goes up to bar and orders a pink gin.
Barman tells him to fcuk off - "don't serve your type here"
Frederick says, "If you don't serve me, I'll set my dog on you"
Barman again tells him to fcuk off.
Frederick replies, "You asked for it - Cuddles ATTACK"
Big alsatian with ferocious fangs jumps up, faces terrified barman eye to eye and goes:
" bowzee, wowzee, wowzee!"

Panic in the church just before Mass.
No sign of a drop of wine.
Priest sends altar boy to shop to get some.
Boy returns but could only get orange squash.
At the consecration Priest intones:
"This is Mi Wadi, this is my blood"



I'll get my coat.......

[Green Tribe]

Breaking news

: HRH The Queen has lost her wig in the premises of Buckingham Palace, police are currently combing the area.........

[Fair_play_boy]

Does this qualify? It is supposed to be a true story.
A famous retired French actor started a relationship with a woman in her early 20s. As the guy was well into his 80s, the age difference caught the imagination of the French public.
One night on a live talk show, the interviewer asked him straight out if he was having a physical relationship with his new girlfriend. "Of course", he replied.
The interviewer asked: "Isn't that a little dangerous"?
The old geezer gave a brilliant reply,
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Scroll down.
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This is worth savouring . . .
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The old man replied:

[SIZE=5]"If she dies, she dies."[/SIZE]

[aido_b]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger!

Plenty more where that came from!

[hamish]

Great stuff, the three of yez above. The following was told to me by a Garda friend who swears it's true and he was there but I'm sure it's done the rounds.

Ballinasloe courthouse, usual Thursday morning session.
Local yob up on D and D charge, slouched beside his solicitor and yob is noisily chewing gum
Highly irritated judge beckons to court clerk, whispers in his shell-like.
"Tell the defendant to stop masticating"
Court clerk goes down to yob and says:
His honour says to take yer hand out of yer trouser pocket RIGHT NOW, yeh dirty little bo!!ix"

[Green Tribe]

NB (It is important to read out loud what the italian guy says in an italian accent )

An Italian tourist checks into a hotel in London, proceeds to the dinner hall as he is rather hungry after his journey from Napoli. At the dinner table he joins another lady guest; " Ciao Bella! He is disgusted that there are no forks laid out on the table, so he calls to the waitress... " Hey, I wanta two fork on the table" "Eh, what is, I just ask two fork on the table" The waitress and the lady is horrified, "I'm sorry Sir, but that's not very appropiate" , the waitress walks away. The Italian is left rather bemused

Later that evening, he checks his bed, it has no sheets whatsoever! So, he storms down to reception, talks to the manager " Eh, I wanta 2 sheet on the bed, you know whadda i mean-a?." Manager is taken aback, " sorry Sir? " Eh, I need 2 sheet on the bed-a, ok? I as for nothing just wanna sheet, come on..... Manager calls security and has poor Gianni removed from the hotel.........

[hamish]

Here's another one, before I forget it.

Main character called Knacky (pronounced Knee - ack- ee but much quicker and in a very nasal voice)

It's 1940 and Ballinasloe man Knacky is listening to the BBC on his steam radio about the blitz over London.
"I'm joining up to fight for the rights of small nations against the evils of fascism", he trumpets.
Off he goes to England and because of his impediment is drafted into the coastal defence.
By some oversight, he ends up in charge of an anti-aircraft unit near the cliffs of Dover.
This was before radar and all he had was a megaphone to communicate orders plus a pair of binoculars.
Knacky hears the drone of the Luftwaffe and starts to organise.
His underlings are primed and ready with their guns.
Knacky, looking through the binoculars, shouts:
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, reh, reh, readeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Unit awaits further command, Luftwaffe at 45 degrees.
Ae, ae, ae, aimmmmmm
Unit rising gun's elevation.
Luftwaffwe flying directly overhead, unit guns at maximum elevation.
Luftwaffe passed overhead, out of range.
Knacky:
Ffffff, Fuh, Fuh, ffff..Fcuk it, we'll get dem comin' back.

[hamish]

NB (It is important to read out loud what the italian guy says in an italian accent )

An Italian tourist checks into a hotel in London, proceeds to the dinner hall as he is rather hungry after his journey from Napoli. At the dinner table he joins another lady guest; " Ciao Bella! He is disgusted that there are no forks laid out on the table, so he calls to the waitress... " Hey, I wanta two fork on the table" "Eh, what is, I just ask two fork on the table" The waitress and the lady is horrified, "I'm sorry Sir, but that's not very appropiate" , the waitress walks away. The Italian is left rather bemused

Later that evening, he checks his bed, it has no sheets whatsoever! So, he storms down to reception, talks to the manager " Eh, I wanta 2 sheet on the bed, you know whadda i mean-a?." Manager is taken aback, " sorry Sir? " Eh, I need 2 sheet on the bed-a, ok? I as for nothing just wanna sheet, come on..... Manager calls security and has poor Gianni removed from the
hotel.........

[hamish]

World Cup Final, Munchen, Deutschland, 2006.

Ireland v Brazil.

Result at half-time: 3 all

Result after heart attack forming second half: 5-5

Result after amazing extra 30 minutes : 6-6

Penalty shoot-out, nerves jangling
Result after first ten spot kicks: 5-5

Result after 10 more penalties, Brian Kerr receiving emergency heart surgery:
10-10

Penos continue

Brazil ahead 14 - 13, last kick to Ireland.

Kevin Kilbane steps up turns to his teammates in centre circle and with a sheepish smile says:

"Promise you won't laugh if I miss"

[hamish]

Fancy dress ball in Ballinasloe.
Big turnout with the usual horror costumes - Dracula, Wolfman, Napoleon, Carlton Palmer etc all present.
Knacky, a late entree, enters the room. All eyes on him in shock and disgust.
Knacky is stark naked except for his willy stuck in a large bowl of yellow Birds Eye.
Master of Ceremonies stormes over: "What the hell are you supposed to be dressed as?"

Knacky replies: I couldn't get a costume so I'm fcukin disgusted"