Good man Billy Connolly
City definetly have the best bands playing at half-time.
O'Bama - "Eerah yeah, I'd say we can alright!"
G.O'Mahoney Trapattoni'll sort ém out!!
Calling In Sick
Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the bill.
It's old, but still goodOriginally Posted by strangeirish
.
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Staying Young
Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Sirhamish's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Sirhamish replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Sirhamish his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Sirhamish interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
heh heh
Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Strangeirish, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Strangeirish picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Strangeirish had been kicked out by his, now, ex-Missus for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary.
Despite her initial resistance to his many advances, he finally suceeded in having incredible sex with her.
Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
"What do you mean, twice?" Strangeirish asked. "We only did it once."
"Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?" Rosemary asked
There's this bird called Mary, ri? She's a virgin like. She's not married or nothin, but she's got this paaaaartner, Joe, ri? He's a chippy like. Mary's shacked up wid him in a kip in Nazzareh. One day Mary meets this headtheball Gabriel. She's like 'Wha' areyou lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You're up da pole.' Mary's totally scarleh. She lays into him. 'Who are you callin a slapper. I'm noh common. I never done it wid no-one noh even me fellah".
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone like. Liz is wired. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Howzitgoin, Mary, I can feel me nipper in me guh and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're ri', ri''
Mary an' Joe haven't got a tosser so they feck a donkey, an' head for Be'lehem. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her nipper, ri'? an' that. But the kip is jammers. So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's burstin wid animals. Cowizz an' sheep an' dat. Then these three maaad lads turn up, looking the bizz, wi' crowans on their heads. They're like 'A'ri, bay-bee Jesus, howzitgoin like', an' say they're wise men from the East Wall. Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, what the crack with dis Frankenstein an' miir? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gaybo turns up again an' sez he's got another message from yer man the Lord. He's like 'The scruffers is comin an' they're killin all de chisellers. You better leg it off to Eejip.' Joe goes 'You must be on drugs it you think I'm goin' to Eejip on a bleedin donkey' Gaybo sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But not my problemo, knowharrimean?' So they legs it to E-jip till they've stopped killin the young lads an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jazis go back to Nazzareh, an' Jaziz turns water into Vodkaanrebbull.
Saw this on a football chants website and thought it was funny.
(Leeds to west ham in 1970's)
WERE FOREVER THROWING BOTTLES
PRETTY BOTTLES IN THE AIR
THEY FLY SO HIGH
ALMOST REACH THE SKY
THEN LIKE WEST HAM
THEY FADE AND DIE
I'd love to invent a time machine then go back in time and win the lottery, buy new players and a stadium. Time machines are brilliant aren't they- Ian Holloway
Back at ya!heh heh
Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life............
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.
The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but ****s instead.
The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.
Do you know any of these people?????
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
A little prayer for all you ladies lying beside your man before you sleep at night.
Lord, B 4 I Lay down to sleep, I pray 4 a man who's not a creep,one's who's handsome, smart+ Strong,one who's willy is thick and long.Oh send me a man who makes love to my mind,know's what to say when i ask ''How big is my behind?'' and as i kneel and pray by my bed, i look at the ****** you sent me instead.
In Pharmacology all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic
name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of
Acetaminophen, Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Motrin is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.
In other drug news, Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good
old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: Mount & Do.
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
A lesson to be learned from one typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was
difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home fom her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a Heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
.
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Two fishermen are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.
"What's this?", asked the first fisherman, "It looks as if someone is drowning!"
"No," explained the second fisherman, "It's just a little wave."
"I don’t want to tempt fate, but Thierry Henry is not having one of his best nights." - RTE co-commentator Jim Beglin, minutes before TH struck the stunning winner.
The following are all replies that women have written on Child Support....
.....agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. Or putting it another way..... Who's your Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out Number 11.......... it takes the prize and Number 3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sexwith a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Last edited by sligoman; 18/02/2006 at 8:10 PM.
Life without Rovers, it makes no sense...it's a heartache...nothing but a fools game. S.R.F.C.
Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay, pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd
done this several times,and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop
had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and
said,
"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Good one BGR.......And on a similar note...
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Classic !!
Three footballfans (one from Feyenoord, one from PSV, one from Ajax) are walking down the street together. They walk around a corner and then ..., there on the ground ... lies a naked woman! The Feyenoord-fan, very decent, puts his cap over one of the womans´ breasts. The PSV-fan, a little less decent but nevertheless, also puts his cap over the womans´other breast. The Ajax-fan sees the womans´vagina and decent as he is, he puts his cap over the womans´vagina. After a while two policemen find the woman, still lying on the ground. "Very decent of those footballfans, but it´s the first time I don´t see a dick under a Ajax-cap!"
Every disadvantage has its advantage!(JC, nr. 14)
Dutch joke, but easily ´translated´ into any language wanted.Three footballfans (one from Feyenoord, one from PSV, one from Ajax) are walking down the street together. They walk around a corner and then ..., there on the ground ... lies a naked woman! The Feyenoord-fan, very decent, puts his cap over one of the womans´ breasts. The PSV-fan, a little less decent but nevertheless, also puts his cap over the womans´other breast. The Ajax-fan sees the womans´vagina and decent as he is, he puts his cap over the womans´vagina. After a while two policemen find the woman, still lying on the ground. "Very decent of those footballfans, but it´s the first time I don´t see a dick under a Ajax-cap!"
Every disadvantage has its advantage!(JC, nr. 14)
I see what you meanThree footballfans (one from Shels, one from Pats, one from Rovers) are walking down the street together. They walk around a corner and then ..., there on the ground ... lies a naked woman! The Shels-fan, very decent, puts his cap over one of the womans´ breasts. The Pats-fan, a little less decent but nevertheless, also puts his cap over the womans´other breast. The Rovers-fan sees the womans´vagina and decent as he is, he puts his cap over the womans´vagina. After a while two policemen find the woman, still lying on the ground. "Very decent of those footballfans, but it´s the first time I don´t see a Pr!ck under a Rovers-cap!"
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