Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[Thunderblaster]

Manchester united Have Announced a huge new sponsorhip deal for next season (Take your Pick)

EasyJet :in and out of europe in 90 mins

Knorr : Chicken stock, Beef stock now Laughing stock

Pampers : P1ssy up front Sh1t at the back

Pizza Hut: Pizzas do fly!

Freshways: Manchester company that is the purveyeurs of fine prawn sandwiches.

[hamish]

There was this bloke who had a terrible stutter but despite that was a great hit with the ladies - different woman every night.
However, he decided that he wanted to get rid of the stutter and his doctor recommended him to a speech therapist.
The therapist did all the tests and eventually had a solution for him.
"Mr. Murphy, there is only one way to get finally rid of that stutter, I'll have to surgically remove the top three inches from your penis but when I replace the helmet on it you'll still have eight inches so you're sex life won't be affected".
Murphy - "Tuh, tuh, tuh, tuh-hanks, duh, duh, doctor, operate away".
Eventually, Murphy recovered from the operation but while he was delighted to be able to speak without any stutter he noticed that his luck with the ladies had become severely diminished. Now, he'd be lucky to score once a week.
It crossed his mind that maybe if he got his three inches back his success rate might improve again.
Off to the therapist he went.
"Doctor, whilst I'm most grateful for you ridding me of my stutter, my sex life has deteriorated terribly - would there be the possibility you could replace those three inches - even if I stutter again?"

Therapist replied (with an evil glint in his eye)

"Nuh...nuh.....nuh......not a ch....ch....chance"

[CollegeTillIDie]

A young adolescent lady attends the doctor for a medical. After testing her reflexes and sticking the flat thing on her tongue and getting her to say aah
He listens to her with his stethoscope " Big Breaths " he says to her.
" Yeth and I'm only 14 " she says

[hamish]

A young adolescent lady attends the doctor for a medical. After testing her reflexes and sticking the flat thing on her tongue and getting her to say aah
He listens to her with his stethoscope " Big Breaths " he says to her.
" Yeth and I'm only 14 " she says

I already posted that joke.

[CollegeTillIDie]

I already posted that joke.

How can you expect me to trawl through 25 pages of this thing?

[hamish]

How can you expect me to trawl through 25 pages of this thing?

Ah, but think of the fun you'd have.

[sligoman]

His new show

[ollie]

good GAA joke site here

You know you are a GAA shaper when...........




You wear white boots.

You are the only guy with tanned legs on the team in April.

You put gel in your hair before the game.

You have bleached hair or a pony-tail.

You have to get a hair cut before every match.

You wear your collar up to your ears.

You have at least one life threatening injury per game.

You hang around outside the dressing room after a match (still togged out) looking for people to tell you how good you played.

You warm up looking into the crowd.

You wear the latest range in thigh supports, knee bandages, etc when in reality there's shag all wrong with you.

You sulk every time you lose,you blame the pitch, the wind, the sun, the ball etc, if you miss a chance (above all it was not your fault).

You complain that the backs never play good ball to you (you are always a forward because they score (backs get no glory), probably wing or corner (because you can pick up a handy score there and also wave to the crowd)) and if the
selectors knew anything (which they don't) they would make you captain.

You insist on making yourself available for 2 championship matches on the same day.

You threaten to quit the team cause the manager won't pick your brother.

You make your own speech in the dressing room after the captain and mentors have made their speeches.

You leave in two soft goals...one dropped out of your hand....and you complain of a shoulder injury when trying to puck out the next couple of balls.

You wear white boots, white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.

You wear white boots, white socks a white helmet with a white club jersey.

[paul_oshea]

those quotes by michael o'mur..feck i cant spell his name but ye know who i mean, they are quality.

or the good aul rossie:

rossie:ref hows your dog?
ref:what? i dont have a dog.
rossie: well your the first blind man i have seen that doesnt have a guide dog. quality rossiees are the best.

the mayo test is also a good one.

[Mayo Red]

Gary Neville and Stevie Gerard walk into a brothel (recommended obviously by Wayne Rooney).

Neville asks how much for a little w.a.n.k?

Gerard asks how much for a f*ckin legend?

[Hulsey]

What do you call a nun riding a clown?
Virgin on the ridiculous.

A worried young woman goes into her doctors office. the doctor sees the look of anxiety on her face so he asks her whats wrong. She replies "I'm a bit worried that you can get pregnant from anal sex. Can you?", to which the doctor replies "Of course you can! Where do you think Man Utd fans come from!"

[3 Heroes]

Djibril Cisse’s wife has changed her name to 'Anette'. She reckons with a name like that he won’t be hitting her again all season.

"If you tolerate Rix,
then your children will be next"

[hamish]

LMAO - two good ones 3 Heroes. Now, for some nun jokes

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.
While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.
Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."
The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."
Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"
The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father Hamish, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their dogs. The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[hamish]

Oh, just remembered this old joke.

Two friends were chatting one day about making a few extra bob. Fred said, I hear that you get 50 euros each time you give a deposit at the sperm bank. Maybe we should try that". His friend Tom agreed and for several months they provided several samples for said bank and were very happy with their work.

One day, they made another trip. Tom entered the building, filled out the usual form, was given a cup, directed to a cubicle wherein there were a few porno magazines. He was "hard at work" when he heard groans, grunts, moans and sighs emanating from the next cubicle.
Curious, he jumped on a chair and looked over the cubicle wall. He saw Fred, lying on his back with a naked nurse on top of him, giving him a right seeing to.

"Fred, why the hell are you getting that treatment when all I get is a cup and a few porn magazines?"

Fred replies, "How many fcuking times have I told you to join the VHI, ya stupid b.ollocks!"

[strangeirish]

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said:
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied,

"Mission accomplished!!"

[hamish]

50th Anniversary

On the evening of their 50th anniversary, a reminiscing wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.
She went to her husband, a retired Marine, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said:
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?"she asked.

He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' "

She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said.
So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down and replied,

"Mission accomplished!!"

LMAO

Knacky went down to a red light area for a bit of sex.
He went up to the first hooker and said,
"How much do you charge?"
Hooker replied, "200 quid and that includes a lovely apartment".
Knacky - "Too fcukin' dear".
He tries the next hooker in line.
She says, "150 quid including a delightful apartment"
Knacky - "Still, too fcukin' dear"
So, on down the line he goes and eventually, the hookers get fed up with him and one said, "Look, try Lucy at the end of the street, she's the cheapest".
Knacky went up to Lucy and said, "How much do you charge?"
Lucy - "I only charge 15 quid".
Knacky - "How come you're so cheap?"
Lucy - "I haven't any womb".
Knacky - "Dats allright, we can do it up against the wall"

[strangeirish]

I likes that one

[Dun Laoire]

3 snowmen sitting in a sauna, one turns around and says "jesus lads who's idea was this".

[Den Perry]

Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the world. After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs. The secret operation is effective and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, hears a knock: "Who is it?", "It's Paul", Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Paul?" "Hashish from Morocco" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia""Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew ?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Luke" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Luke?" "Speed from Amsterdam" "Very well son, come in."

another knock ..."Who is it?" "It's Judas" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FBI MOTHER F*CKERS! EVERYONE AGAINST THE WALL!"

[gustavo]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?"
"I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his todger off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand pounds here..."