Quotewhile im at it.
whats the dif between a priest and acne?
acne waits till ur 13 b4 it comes on your face ( btw i go to mass!)
Here are a few Limericks plus a joke in there somewhere.
There once was a girl from Whick
Who said to her Mum "What's a dick?"
She said "My dear Annie,
It goes up your fanny
And jumps up and down till it's sick".
A horny young lady named Lil
phucked a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
in north Carolina
and bits of her tits in Brazil
There was a young man from Belgrade
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I'm a bit of a sh!t
But think of the money I save!"
A lady encountered two vicars
Who attempted to take off her knickers.
When she remonstrated
They replied, quite elated,
"Blame it all on spirituous liquors!"
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one"
She said, "Pardon my soul,
But you're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right one."
How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin divers
An bard named Tony McNamitar
Had a tool of enormous diameter,
But it was not the size
that brought tears to their eyes,
'Twas the rhythm and Iambic Pentameter.
There once was a jolly old preist
who was hornier than a wild beast
the sins of his mind
into some lads behind
were often from his soul released
There once was a fellow named Jock
with a most insatiable kock
his wife, so I hear
out of cruelty or fear
keeps it under a chain and a lock
Want to know 'bout this site's creator?
He is a world-class masturbater
He once won the Gold
for his famous choke hold
And hopes there is more to come later
I heard of a red-blooded male
Whose puckup techinque's yet to fail
He fills chicks with booze
and waits till they snooze
then serves 'em his special 'kock-tail'!
There was a young lady named Kite
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She left home one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."
An eager young vicar from Louth
Raged against sins such as sloth
He preached masturbation
To the whole congregation
and was washed down the aisle in the froth.
Last edited by hamish; 28/11/2005 at 9:12 PM.
while im at it.
whats the dif between a priest and acne?
acne waits till ur 13 b4 it comes on your face ( btw i go to mass!)
I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away
Originally Posted by steven17
Easy there now.
City definetly have the best bands playing at half-time.
O'Bama - "Eerah yeah, I'd say we can alright!"
G.O'Mahoney Trapattoni'll sort ém out!!
Just a few quotes from Gordon Strachan
On Wayne Rooney...
"It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a
call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson."
Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]
Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were
better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there.
Reporter: "Gordon, what will you take from today?"
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a
Yoghurt to finish, the expiry date is today.
Reporter: There goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home,
Become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge.
Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm
going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man,
down.
Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the
right man to turn things around? Strachan:No, I think they should have
got George Graham because I'm useless.
Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.
Reporter: "What is your impression of Jermaine Pennant?"
Strachan: "I don't do impressions"
Reporter: So Gordon, any changes then ?
Strachan: Naw, still 5ft 6, ginger and a big nose!
Gary Lineker: So Gordon, if you were English, what formation would you
play?
Gordon Strachan: If I was English I'd top myself!
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in
>the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
>
>
>"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
>"Boy," is the man's response.
>"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the service guy. An
hour
>later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun,
and a
>pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions:
>
>
>"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick
>until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the
gorilla's
>balls off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself
and
>allow you to put the handcuffs on him. OK?"
>
>
>The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
>The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the
gorilla,
>shoot the Chihuahua."
good one PJ! suprised I haven't had an abusive phonecall off ya yet after Corks win!
Eoin Mullen, Bohemians legend!
"You should always take good care of your cat" - Postman Pat, 1991
2005 - a great year for Irish football
One day Leroy got an easy homework assignment.All he had to do was put each of the following words into a sentence:Hotel-I gave my girlfriend da crabs,and the hotel everybody.Rectum-I once had two cadillacs but my ol'lady rectum both.Disappointment-My parole officer tolt me if i miss disappointment,he gonna send me back to da big house.Foreclose-If i hafta pay alimony,i wont have no flow foreclose.Undermine-There is one fine lookin ho livin in da apartment undermine.Seldom-My cuzin gave me two tickets to the knicks game,so i seldom.Tripoli-I went to buy my ol'lady a bra,but couldnt find no tripoli.Odyssey- I told my bro," you odyssey the tits on dis ho."Horde- My sister got in trouble cause she horde around in school.Income- I just got in da bed with this ho, and income my ol'lady.Fortify- I axed da ho,"how much" and she say fortify.Leroy got an "A".
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
Dr. comes into see George Best near the end
Dr: "well George I've good news and I've bad news"
GB: "ok doc do your worst, bad news first"
Dr: "sorry George but you've only got an hour to live "
GB: "Ah well doc not to worry whats the good news "
Dr: "Its Happy Hour"
TAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
last week!!!!
I'm a bloke,I'm an ocker
And I really love your knockers,I'm a labourer by day,
I **** up all me pay,Watching footy on TV,
Just feed me more VB,Just pour my beer,And get my smokes, And go away
na boy you've got your own problems without me dancing on you....cant believe you have not yet pulled in wolverhampton. how do you expect to attract listeners if you cant even get attention from a woman in a bar. all that alcohol, your accent or caroline should all be working in your favour.good one PJ! suprised I haven't had an abusive phonecall off ya yet after Corks win!
A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with a Fish Called Wanda.
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder
There was a lawyer that was talking to his client who just committed murder. He said "I have some good news, and some bad news. The bad news is that you're getting the electric chair." His client said "That's terrible!! Well, what's the good news? " The lawyer said "I got the voltage lowered."~
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly unsaturated
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change...boom boom
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?~
Did you hear about the hyena that swallowed the Oxo cube (beef stock cube)? Made a laughing stock of himself
How did the teenager know that he had bad acne? His dog called him spot
What does a lawyer use for Birth Control? His personality
Two statues, male and female, have been guarding the door of an old church for centuries keeping out evil spirits and such, so one day God decides to reward them. He comes down and says, "Ok, since you have been so good, I am going to give you a day off from guarding the church, spend it however you wish." A few minutes later, God sees the statues dissapear behind a bush. The bush commences rattiling and shaking like no ones business. Twelve hours later, they emerge. "Hey," God says "You've still g ot twelve hours left, go have fun!" So the female statue turns to the male statue and says, "Ok, this time you hold the pigeon and I'll crap on it."~
2 chickens at the side of the road.One goes to the other,"think i might cross over",the other goes "dont you'll never hear the end of it".
Whats the differnece between 10 dead bodies and a ferrari?
...........................
........................
I dont have a ferrari in my garage
If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.
A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to
get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting
in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to
consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on
you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big
broad smile and said:
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
25th November 2005.
George Best dies, 24 hour drinking is introduced in Britain.
Calsberg don't do irony......
Heh heh Nice one BE
An old South Down farmer wandered into his local newspaper office.
"Me wife died........what's the cheapest it would cost for an auld message?"
Newspaper man, "Well, it's £20 for four lines, Paddy"
"That's very dear, how much wud it cosht for one line?"
"Well, we don't do one line, Paddy?"
"Could ya give me a cut rate for two lines?"
"Eh, look, Tell you what Paddy, since it's your wife, I'll give you three lines for the twenty"
"Allright so, I'll take that but it's awful dear"
Paddy, "Write this down, young fella
Mary Murphy died yesterday, missed by her family
Funeral tomorrow at 11am"
Newspaper man, "Paddy, surely you can put more in than that. You've another line to fill?"
Paddy thinks for a long while.
"Right so, put in this"
"Hay for sale"
Last edited by hamish; 05/12/2005 at 10:17 PM.
The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!" And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "Fcuking homework and tests!"
Did you ever notice that in every painting of Adam & Eve, they have belly buttons. Think about that...take as long as you want.
nice jokes sirhamish and strangeirish, south down eh hamish??
TBH, the original joke was told to me by a buddy and it was about a Monaghan or Cavan farmer.
Ah, what's the difference. Monaghan, Cavan, south Down.......all border counties anyway with very strange inhabitants.........all the same to me.
Seen as the season that's in it..........
Some of my best toys run on batteries
I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
Christmas Parrot
One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"
The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."
The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"
The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."
When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire."
Santa's Little Pills (could offend some)
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's mooching 'round the dog kennel going, 'Here Rover, Nice doggy' "
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls.
What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
During the recent Karpov-Kasparov world chess championships they came to an adjournment and left for their hotel. In the lobby of the hotel several chess enthusiasts could be heard bragging, "I could beat Karpov with no problem".
"Oh yeah, I could beat both of them at the same time."
"That's nothing, I could beat both of them blindfolded!"
Finally, the hotel manager had had enough and threw them all out of the hotel.
But why?" a bystander asked.
"Because," the manager replied "I hate ..."chess nuts boasting by an open foyer!" ............boom boom
Why the Little Angel is at the top of the Christmas Tree ...
On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations. The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa--filled with rage--threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, "Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?"
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