Jokes (READ FIRST POST)

[strangeirish]

By the way, that isn't a true story....

So, a man didn't land on the moon ?...........

[Gerrit]

> A ventriloquist visiting Donegal walks into a small village and sees a
> local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little
> fun, so he says to the Donegal man "Can I talk to your dog?"
> Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
> Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
> Dog: "Doing all right."
> Villager: (look of extreme shock)
> Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
> Dog: "Yep"
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
> to the lake once a week to play."
> Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
> Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
> Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
> Horse: "Cool"
> Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
> Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
> Horse: "Yep"
> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
> down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
> Villager: (total look of amazement)

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
> Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a ****ing liar!"

[Superhoops]

How can you make a duck into a soul singer?

Boil it until its bill withers!


Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, a lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

[Thunderblaster]

I have to tell you this one. I was delivering shopping the other day for a lady and I called to the house. I went in and left the shopping in the kitchen. I asked her "where was the dog?". Next thing, I heard some "ruff,ruff,ruff" out the back and she turned around and said the dog answered your question. Both of us started laughing. It was absolutely hillarious.

[strangeirish]

Sean Connery was interviewd by Michael Parkinson,
and bragged that despite being 72 years of age,
he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said,
"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks
they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate
sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says,
"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour,
and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping,
hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even
better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
You'll have to.......

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.
No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks
"Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with
a scouser, she stole ma wallet !".

[aido_b]

heard a classic last night,

what did the 11 say to the 10?
who's the fat chick!

another one, what goes hahahahahahahabonk
someone laughing their heads off!

im sorry!

[strangeirish]

heard a classic last night,

what did the 11 say to the 10?
who's the fat chick!

another one, what goes hahahahahahahabonk
someone laughing their heads off!

im sorry!

Taxi for aido b. As a matter of fact get a lorry

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[Aldini98]

I have to tell you this one. I was delivering shopping the other day for a lady and I called to the house. I went in and left the shopping in the kitchen. I asked her "where was the dog?". Next thing, I heard some "ruff,ruff,ruff" out the back and she turned around and said the dog answered your question. Both of us started laughing. It was absolutely hillarious.

I think you had to be there........

[dahamsta]

A man goes to the zoo, but when he arrives there is only a dog on display.

It was a Shítzu.

[paul_oshea]

whats the definition of suspicion???










nuns doing squats in a cucumber field!!

[strangeirish]

whats the definition of suspicion???
nuns doing squats in a cucumber field!!

Holy sh*t

A man goes to the zoo, but when he arrives there is only a dog on display.

It was a Shítzu.

I likes that one.

[paul_oshea]

ya i like that joke but i think if you are telling it in the pub you would have to change it with:

he looks and says thats a ****zu.

[strangeirish]

This is a bit long winded, but how true it is....


New ATM Procedures

A sign in the local Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful and painstaking research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.



Please follow the appropriate steps below for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:



1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.



5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.



6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.



5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.



8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.



10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.



17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[dahamsta]

Someone noted much the same about women at checkouts a while back. Guy stands there with product in one hand, cash in the other, transaction takes a minute and a half. Woman stands there with product in one hand, enormous bag in the other with purse buried at the bottom, and plenty of conversational items in between; transaction takes an hour and a half. It's a pain in the hole.

(There are exceptions on both fronts. But the stereotype applies in general. Seriously, how hard is to to get the money ready while you're in the queue?)

adam

[aido_b]

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts.

[Green Tribe]

heh heh.

[Block G Raptor]

Motorway and a dual carriageway walk into a bar
motorway goes to the bar dualler gets a seat
while he's waiting for the motorway to return with the drink the dualler notices a strange looking skinny pink road sitting on his own in a corner
motorway returns ..."whats the story with that weird looking skinny streak overthere" asks the dualler gesticulating towards the pink road in the corner
the motorway almost collapses "Jaysus dont point at him.......he's a fcuking cyclepath"

[galwaygirl]

Heard this one today...
Hope it wasnt posted here already

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call an ibizan terriost?
All-summer-bin-largin-it

[hamish]

Those of you who know youe USSR history will remember the Solkhotz and the Kolkotz - basically two types of huge collective farms.

Anyway, Ludmilla, Kristina, Georgina and Karina were out in the fields one day on one of these farms and their job was to harvest carrots.

Ludmilla pulls out a massive carrot and gestures to the three other girls.
"Do you know what this reminds me of?", says Ludmilla.
"Ni idea", echo the others.
"My husband", says Ludmilla.
"How's that?", ask the other three.
"Guess", says Ludmilla.
"Oh, I know, tee-hee, the length of it?", says Kristina.
"No", says Ludmilla.
"The colour of it (giggle)?", says Karina
"No", says Ludmilla.
"The texture and thickness of it (snigger)?", says Georgina.
"No", says Ludmilla.
"What then?", ask the others.

"The dirt of it", says Ludmilla.

[sligoman]

Q. What do you call a dilusional Beeslow man who supports Linfield?

A. sirhamish.